Bad Santas

A bartender in Australia was robbed at knifepoint by two men wearing Santa hats and long white beards.

Police in Townsville on the northern coast of Queensland said the woman bartender was alone at the Cutheringa Bowls Club when the Santas approached. One produced a hunting knife and ordered her to fill a shopping bag with money from the till.

After she complied, the bartender escaped out a back door.

No word on whether she heard the clatter of tiny hooves on the roof.

Full story here.

Sacre bleu

How come nearly all my spam these days (or at least what gets caught in my America Online spam filter) is in French? Are you seeing this too, or is just moi?

I can't read French, and know only a handful of words in that language. But I'm pretty sure the French word for "spam" is merde.

Call me crazy

Modern life drives us all a little crazy, often in unexpected ways, which means perpetual job security for the psychiatrists who give new names to mental malfunctions.

For shrinks, the bible is a book called the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV," or "DSM-IV," which details the assorted ways people can go loony. The latest edition is -- no joke -- 943 pages long.

As you can tell from that "IV," the "DSM" is updated every few years to include more of our delusions and dementias. In between updates, people in the mental health field write long papers about illnesses they've discovered and argue over which should be included in the next edition.

You don't have to be a psychiatrist to play that game. Any observer of the big ice-cream sundae that is American life can readily identify the nuts.

Here are some suggestions for "DSM V: The Sequel:"

Parentanoia -- the fear, often justified, that your teen-agers are conspiring against you.

Ipodosis -- the need to shut out the real world with earphones.

Desktopathy -- the delusion that someone keeps rearranging the junk on your desk and that's why you can never find your stapler.

Baublehead -- one who's obsessed with jewelry. For related conditions, see "Manolomania" and "Pantaloon."

Sighchosis -- the notion that you can alter the behavior of others with loud, weary exhalations.

Orangefingerphobia -- the fear of eating Chee-tos.

Decompression depression -- the lingering sadness that follows a vacation.

Neatfreakitis -- unreasonable irritation at messiness. Scientific name: "Disorder disorder."

Iraqophobia -- the fear of expensive entanglements.

Commitmentophobia -- the fear of expensive entanglements. See "Baublehead."

Telemarketopathy -- the compulsion to call strangers at dinnertime.

Starbuckomania -- an obsession with fancy coffees. For related conditions, see "Chocoholism" and "Cola Nut."

Bratophobia -- the fear of other people's children.

Stetsonpsychosis -- the strong desire to dress like a cowboy. See also: "Lunatic Fringe."

Remotomania -- the unconscious drive to constantly see whether something better is on a different TV channel.

Subpoenas Envy -- an overpowering desire to become an attorney so you can sue anyone, anytime.

Rainbrain -- an obsession with the weather.

Hotenoughforumania -- an obsession with talking about the weather.

Cellumania -- the compulsion to talk on a cell phone at all times, even when such behavior seems rude and/or stupid. Related conditions, see: "Disturbopaths" and "Lowbattophobia."

Distracted Driver Syndrome -- the inability to focus on the act of driving, no matter how dangerous the conditions. Often related to "Cellumania." See also: "Rearview Narcissism."

Relaxedfitophobia -- the fear that you're being followed closely by a large backside. Sufferers often whirl around to find that no one's there. Related conditions: "Overlap disease" and "Airlineseatanoia."

Clackclackamania -- the compulsion to use rolling luggage.

Cluckamania -- the delusion that everything "tastes like chicken."

Rebootosis -- persistent anxiety over expected computer crashes.

Thumpamania -- the unbridled need to irritate others with loud car stereo speakers. See also: "Backward Baseball Cap Disorder."

Odoreaterphobia -- the fear that something horrible is growing in your kids' sneakers.

Schizorestaurantbillia -- the powerful need to demand separate checks, even when dining alone.

Comedo-Diagnosis Psychosis -- the delusion that one can be funny, coming up with new names for the "DSM."

Today's market news

You know it's a bad day on the stock market when the closing bell makes a sound like the whistle of a falling bomb.

The Dow dropped 679 points today, which coincidentally is exactly how many stockbrokers leaped off tall buildings in New York.

I sure am glad we spent that trillion dollars in taxpayer money to save the national economy.

Deck the halls

With the leaf-whump arrival of autumn, it's time to snuggle indoors in front of a hearty fire and notice that you've never really liked the way the living room is arranged.

That's right, it's Home Decorating Season. The season of thumbing through catalogs and designating a place for the Christmas tree and locating "just the right thing" to dress up that naked corner before relatives arrive to visit.

It's too cold to plant anything else in the yard, so the women of America move indoors and start rearranging the furniture. Just in time for football season.

Across the nation, men are sacked out on sofas, watching ESPN and trying to avoid raking leaves, and their wives stand in front of the TVs with fevered eyes, saying, "Put down those Chee-tos, and help me nail these pine boughs to the mantel."

Sorry, ladies, but guys are blissful idiots when it comes to making the house look nice for the holidays. It's all up to you. As long as you don't stand a lamp in front of the TV, we're OK with whatever you want to do. Just don't expect us to know anything, to have any opinions or, frankly, to care about slipcovers or potpourri or tinsel. Not with the playoffs coming up.

To understand how little the subspecies "guy" thinks about interior decorating, look at the basic bachelor pad, the nest of the undomesticated male. There are three rules for home design in bachelor living:

1) The sofa shall be parked squarely in front of the TV. No matter what.
2) The fewer the steps from sofa to fridge, the better.
3) A bed is nice, but not absolutely necessary.

Beyond those precepts, guys simply don't care. We could live in a cave as long we get cable TV. Or, we can live in a room where all the rickety antiques are draped in matching frilly chintz and every square inch of every wall is covered in holiday finery. It doesn't matter to us.

Men who settle down soon learn to pretend to care about how the home looks. We learn to murmur appreciatively over new purchases and to have the right opinions about "window treatments." We learn to go into hiding if we see our wives cooing over "Sunset" magazine.

Most of all, we learn to notice when our wives place little decorative touches around the house. If we know what's good for us.

This busy time of year, guys should make a cursory reconnaissance of the home every night, in search of new stuff that has been hung by the chimney with care.

First of all, you can mention how nice it looks (be specific!) and score much-needed Home Decorating Season points. Secondly, you can keep track of how much is spent spiffing up the place and consider working some overtime. Most importantly, a quick nightly check of the home's current status might prevent you from later falling over a table in the dark.

Beyond simple "noticing," guys should try to get into the spirit of the season. Grunt up off the sofa and help nail some stuff to the walls. Move some furniture. Bring some leaves in from the yard and arrange them into a colorful centerpiece.

You can get a lot accomplished during halftime.