CEO = Corporate ethics omitted

Today's topic: "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Lying."

Corporate America has been shaken and stirred recently by one scandal after another. Almost daily, it's revealed that trusted honchos lied about their companies' financial health, then sold off their own stock holdings before the resulting crash. Or, they "cooked the books" to make them more palatable to investors. Or, they "loaned" themselves millions they knew they'd never pay back, then fled through the nearest fire exit.

The Bush administration has pledged -- without audible snickering -- to go after these corporate criminals, and a handful have been arrested. A few crooked CEOs eventually will exchange their pinstripes for a different sort of striped suit, one that complements the surrounding décor of steel bars and clanging doors.

(We can only hope they don't wind up in so-called "country club" prisons with cable TV and tennis courts. The average American wants corporate wrongdoers locked up in real prisons, preferably in the same cell with Junior, a sweaty 360-pound inmate who likes to dance.)

Whatever the punishment, it's too little too late for those of us who had money in the stock market or in one of the looted pension funds. We've lost our assets, the economy is staggering like a drunk on payday, and our dreams of retirement homes now center around cardboard boxes that once contained major appliances.

These shocking developments have led Americans to lose faith in Big Business and to ask themselves whether "business ethics" has become a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron like "jumbo shrimp" or "holy war."

Now, no doubt, we're in for a long period of navel-gazing as pundits, politicians and tycoons re-examine the nation's business practices in search of any evidence of ethics. It's an opportunity we shouldn't let slip away.

All of us should take a hard look at our own business ethics. Whether you work for a multinational corporate conglomerate or off your kitchen table, you're given the choice, nearly every day, between cheating and conducting business in an honest fashion.

How to be sure you're on the right road? Examine your own ethical nature with the following quiz:

Question: If given the opportunity, which office supplies would you steal for home use?

A. Pens and pencils.
B. Scotch tape.
C. Oil paintings off the walls.
D. The corporate jet.

Q: You're making change for a customer who gives you too much money. You can correct the error or pocket the difference. How much money would it take for you to choose the dishonest route?

A. Dime.
B. Quarter.
C. Dollar.
D. $400 billion.

Q: What should be the proper slogan for corporate America?

A. "The business of America is business."
B. "The customer is always right."
C. "Great googly-moogly, where'd my 401(k) go?"
D. "Greed is good."

Q. What is your worst vice?

A. Lying.
B. Cheating.
C. Stealing.
D. Making Securities Exchange Commission investigators weep.

Q: Say your company is going under and you're caught cashing in your stock options on the way to the Bahamas with a false identity and a briefcase full of purloined pensions. You should:

A. Claim it was all a misunderstanding and offer to repay the money.
B. Claim you were set up by your competitors.
C. Blame your employees.
D. Blame your accountant.

Q: If a client complains about a service or product, you should:

A. Refund his money.
B. Solve the problem to the client's satisfaction, no matter how much time or expense is involved.
C. Show him the fine print where it says you're liable for nothing, ever.
D. Buy the client's firm and liquidate it.

Scoring: If you answered "A" or "B" to any of the above, there might be hope for you yet, if you clean up your act. If you answered "C," it's too late to change. You might want to "make a killing in real estate" by investing in boxes labeled "Amana."

However, if you answered "D" to all of the above, then you're ready for a job as a chief executive officer in a major international corporation.

The recent arrests have created some new openings at the CEO level, but you'd better hurry. Junior's dance card is getting full.

Ladders, adders and TV cameras

"Extreme" sports are all the rage these days, feeding an ever-growing hunger for fast-paced action, sudden violence and crass "reality."

In case you've been living in a nice safe bomb shelter for the past decade, let me explain: "Extreme" sports (also known as X-sports, X-treme sports, X-tra Crispy sports and various other near-names) are those televised athletic "events" that involve elements of danger.

For example, a show called something like "Real Triple-X-Treme Real Sports Challenge of the All-Stars" might feature real juvenile delinquents on skateboards flying high off a plywood "half-pipe" at breathtaking speeds, performing various twirling moves in the air and almost landing in a pit of irritable vipers before being yanked to safety by a bungee cord attached to their feet. The show's shouted advertising slogan will be something like: "WHO'll still be standing at the END?"

This kind of programming is irresistible to a large, mouth-breathing audience composed entirely of those who wear their baseball caps backward. Since that's the perfect market for Zima, motor oil and other such products, these shows have proven to be commercial gold mines.

Naturally, such a restless audience grows increasingly desensitized to fake suspense and "real" mayhem, which means the shows must keep ratcheting up the level of risk so the goobers will keep tuning in. Before long, extreme sports will feature athletes who, at breathtaking speed, fashion their own bungee cords out of irritable vipers before leaping directly into a pit of bubbling lava.

Extreme sports is changing the whole definition of sports. Many of us remember when a "game" usually involved something called a "ball" and was played by professional athletes with recognizable names. Extreme sports feature athletes you've never heard of doing dangerous, unseemly things with strange combinations of equipment, such as a downhill snowboard race through a forest fire with each participant simultaneously lifting weights and playing the nose flute, all while being pursued by angry National Rifle Association members on snowmobiles.

So far, network producers have overlooked one area of real everyday risk-taking that should be considered an extreme sport -- homeownership.

American homeowners regularly take our lives in our hands, working around the house. We use dangerous, unfamiliar tools to attempt repairs we're not qualified to make. We use whirring blades and whipping plastic line to trim our lawns. We perform complicated aerial maneuvers involving aluminum ladders and overhead power lines.

What's riskier than mowing a yard dotted with hidden metal sprinkler heads? Is anything more dangerous than a power saw in the hands of a klutz? What's more thrilling than a fat man climbing a rickety ladder while wearing sandals and trying not to spill his beer?

Such everyday events may seem catastrophic in real life, responsible for property damage, divorce and overcrowded emergency rooms, but let's face it: They'd make good television.

All it takes is a little organization and a video crew, and we could take TV by storm. We could call the show "The Real Extreme All-Star Homeowners Challenge." Plenty of homeowners would volunteer to play, particularly if free beer is involved. We'd stage the events in the participants' own homes, recording their every move with handheld video cameras. Their critical neighbors would eagerly volunteer to be judges.

Participants would race the clock while facing extreme challenges, such as an overflowing toilet with rusty parts flooding a carpeted bathroom. Each barefoot homeowner would be armed with only a monkey wrench and an electric hair dryer. Imagine the possibilities!

Sure, much of the work could be boring, but careful editing would result in clip after clip of homeowners skinning their knuckles and tripping over live wires and doing backflips off parapets while holding TV antennas. That, folks, is entertainment. If you don't believe it, ask your neighbors.

If such basic competition fails to keep our show's audience loyal, we can always elevate the risk and add to the gear involved. Imagine high-speed ladder-climbing by cigar-smoking men carrying buckets of combustible roofing tar and wearing heavy tool belts and funny hats.

Now that's extreme. If that's still not enough, we can always throw in a few vipers. Particularly if free beer is involved.

Price fixing

That didn't take long.

Hours after I told you about the apparent pricing mistake on Amazon.com that resulted in trade paperbacks of my novel "Cutthroat" going for $4.60 a pop, the good folks at Amazon have corrected the error. The book is back at $11.66 per copy.

Thanks to all the Home Front readers who ordered "Cutthroat" during our secret, unauthorized "sale."

Inside dope

A secret insider tip, only for Home Front readers:

My latest novel, a big, fat thriller called "Cutthroat," sells in trade paperback for $14.95. But, somehow, it's selling on Amazon.com for the less-than-wholesale price of $4.60.

The book hasn't been remaindered. In fact, it's been selling pretty well. When I asked my publisher about Amazon's low, low price, he didn't know anything about it, and freaked out a little. He's contacting Amazon to find out what's what, and I expect that low price will change back to something normal any minute.

In the meantime, Home Front readers, go get yourself a bargain. Buy a bunch. Give them away as gifts and no one will ever know you didn't pay full price. Heh-heh.

April fooled

This morning, my wife and I are in the home office we share when she says: "Did you know 'gullible' is the only common word that's not in the dictionary?"

I say, "That can't be right," and yank a dictionary off the shelf and flip pages and of course the word is right where it belongs.

"Here it is!" I cry, and I start reading the definitions aloud and get through "easily duped" before I remember that today is April 1.

I expect her to stop laughing by midnight.