Cannabis, crime and THE BIG WINK

My crime novel THE BIG WINK is looking more and more like a snapshot of history. On Tuesday, the City Council in Redding, CA, voted to ban medical marijuana dispensaries, effective Dec. 1.

I wrote THE BIG WINK while we were living in Redding in 2009. It was a wild time in Northern California, with everyone jumping on the medical marijuana bandwagon while the feds looked the other way. Thirty dispensaries opened in the city, and thousands of people got medical recommendations that allowed them to legally smoke pot. Everyone, it seemed, was scrambling around, trying to find a way to cash in on the Green Wave.

Perfect setting for a crime novel. Into this mix, I introduced a crew of robbers led by hardened local criminal Ray Bunch. My fictional gang knocked over half a dozen dispensaries, stealing cash and weed that could be resold on the street. But during one hold-up, a prominent banker gets shot. Suddenly, the news media, the cops and advocates on all sides of the cannabis issue are focused on Redding and the robberies.

I'm very proud of THE BIG WINK. I think it's one of my best novels, and it's garnered five-star reviews. But soon it may no longer reflect the real world. If the City Council's ban holds up against the lawsuits to come, the dispensaries will disappear and potheads (and legitimate medical users) will go back to buying off the street.

Read the news story here. And, please, read The BIG WINK. Only $2.99 on Kindle, Smashwords and other e-book platforms.

Food mortgages

Remember when a trip to the supermarket didn’t require a major investment?

Food prices have climbed so much recently that buying groceries should now come with a mountain of qualifying paperwork, like a second mortgage.

“Sorry, sir,” the cashier would say, “but it appears you don’t have the financial history to take on this much debt. You’d better put back the ice cream.”

Food prices are tied to energy prices -- shipping food to your supermarket requires diesel -- and we all know how that’s gone lately. Truckers are going broke, farmers are barely staying afloat, and the oil barons would be laughing all the way to the bank if weren’t for the strain of carrying all that money.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are standing in the supermarket aisles, trying to decide whether we can afford to invest in dessert.

Maybe this is the latest strategy for curing obesity -- make food so expensive that we Americans have to curtail our eating. Won’t work, of course, because the most fattening foods are the cheapest.

The government tells us we should eat healthy fish and lean meat and fresh fruit and vegetables, then the prices on those items go through the roof. Pretty soon, all we can afford is hyphenated food like mac-and-cheese and Rice-a-Roni and Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. Every day, we get a little fatter and a little poorer.

It starts to feel like it would be cheaper to eat dollar-menu fast food all the time -- at least you wouldn’t have to heat up the kitchen -- but who can afford enough gasoline to sit in a drive-thru line? And, if you eat burgers all the time, it eventually will cause your spleen to explode.

I’d been somewhat insulated from the latest surge of food price inflation because I hadn’t been doing the grocery shopping. For years, my wife was the breadwinner, and I did the actual shopping for bread. But once she joined me in working at home, she took over the hunting and gathering.

My wife’s a more canny shopper than I am. She’ll go to three different discount grocery stores to get the best deals and come home with loads of food for less money than I might spend on, say, beer.

Bargain-shopping makes for strange combinations sometimes and some unfamiliar labels in the pantry, but she knows how to whip these items into delicious meals that might not even involve the microwave, so it turns out fine.

Recently, though, she was busy and I went to the store. I did it my usual way -- no coupons, no comparison shopping, same supermarket I always use because I know where everything is.
Holy mackerel! No, wait, mackerel’s too expensive. Let’s say: Holy ramen noodles! I couldn’t believe how much prices have soared.

I started paying attention to prices, hunting the cheapest brands, putting stuff back, and I still spent $200 on a not-quite-full cart of groceries. At the checkout stand, I swiped the “club card” that entitles me to special prices, then played Bob Barker -- “Come on down!” -- while I watched the total on the register readout diminish only slightly.

I sheepishly brought the groceries home. Our two teen-aged sons had it all eaten within, oh, three days. Then they wanted to know why we were out of ice cream.

“Because,” I told them, “I’m waiting for the paperwork to clear on the home-equity loan.”

Unceremoniously dumped

My last Home Front column ran today in the Record-Searchlight. I was told just before Christmas that the newspaper would drop the column for budgetary reasons.

Budget must be really tight at the R-S if they can't afford a weekly freelance column. Earlier, I lost my "in" at Scripps Howard News Service when the Albuquerque Tribune went under. Tough year for newspapers.

While glad to be out of an industry in decline, I'm a little nostalgic about what may be my last byline in a newspaper. I entered the biz in 1975, and journalism has played a big role in my life.

But I'm not really going anywhere. I'm right here online. And bigger things are in the works. Stay tuned.

How can we miss them if they won't go away?

I know it seems that the news media are in the business of alarming statistics, but no set of numbers has alarmed me more than this tidbit from the U.S. Census Bureau: One-third of all American men between the ages of 22 and 34 live with their parents, an increase of 100 percent in the last two decades.

Chilling, no?

Just when you think you've survived parenthood, the kids come back home. The whistle has blown, but your shift isn't over. You've completed the marathon, only to find they've moved the finish line. The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a locomotive.

You thought you'd finally have your house all to yourself only to discover, living in your basement, an unshaven, unkempt, unmarried, Nintendo-playing, beer-swilling troglodyte who smells of Fritos.

It's simply not fair. There's a progression to parenting that's being violated here. You have the baby, you nurture the adorable toddler, you support the brave first-grader, you oversee homework and moral development through the formative years, you argue with the smart-aleck, rebellious teen, then -- poof! -- the kid is gone, off to college or marriage or some other institution.

The nest is empty. Our golden years arrive and we slow down and putter at our hobbies and enjoy visits from our grandchildren and smile our way into the grave.

That's the way it's supposed to work, dammit. That's the natural order. You don't kick the baby bird out the nest only to have him fly in a circle and land right behind you.

But apparently that's what's happening these days, at least with one-third of the young men out there. They flap their wings in the real world for a while, and find they like it better in the nest. Or, they never leave at all. They sit on their feathered rumps, waiting for Mama Bird to rustle up another batch of home-cooked worms.

Social scientists studying this phenomenon find many reasons behind it. Entry-level jobs don't pay enough to cover the cost of housing. More students live at home while they go to college. People are waiting longer to get married. The social stigma of "living with my folks" has decreased.

(Here's one they rarely mention: Spare bedrooms. We tend to live in houses that are bigger than truly necessary these days, so there's plenty of room for the kids. Why should they move away when they have all the space and privacy they need?)

We've got two teen-aged boys at our house, and I love them very much. But they've been told since they were small how much I look forward to the day they can live on their own. I've made a special point of teaching them simple cooking and basic laundry and other life skills so they can survive out there. Times may be hard, but children of privilege should suffer a little poverty, working their way through school. It makes them appreciate subsequent success.

I tell my sons that, as soon as they leave, Mom and I will downsize to a condo with no extra bedrooms, just to thwart any notions about "boomeranging" back home. They laugh. Haha, Dad's such a joker. Only Dad's not kidding.

If they're lucky, I might give them our forwarding address.

Today's market news

You know it's a bad day on the stock market when the closing bell makes a sound like the whistle of a falling bomb.

The Dow dropped 679 points today, which coincidentally is exactly how many stockbrokers leaped off tall buildings in New York.

I sure am glad we spent that trillion dollars in taxpayer money to save the national economy.

How to pay your bills

With the economy in the toilet, paying the bills has never been more challenging or alarming.

In our current economy, money "trickles down" to each household, then pours out again in a torrent. Keeping up with the flow can be frustrating, and experts believe the associated hair-tearing is a major cause of baldness in America.

But bill-paying doesn't have to be unpleasant. Take stock of your bill-paying habits and find ways to make writing those checks more palatable.

Here are some tips:

1. Create a pleasant space where you can do household paperwork. Give yourself a wide, flat work surface and a comfy chair. You want a quiet spot, maybe some soft music, a warm drink. Perhaps several drinks, depending upon the state of your bank account.

2. Make sure you have all the supplies you need: A calculator, a calendar, pencils, scratch paper, stamps, envelopes, bourbon, tranquilizers, a sturdy noose.

3. Get organized. Use a filing system to help you keep your bills in order, so you don't overlook any. A filing cabinet or even a simple cardboard box will help you keep all your bills together, and that makes it much easier to throw them out a window when you get fed up.

4. Don't try to pay your bills while watching television. It's too distracting and could lead to mistakes. You might send a check to Oprah, for instance, and she doesn't need the money. Or, you might write out a check for the amount of "31-28, in overtime."

5. Prioritize. Sometimes, it's not possible to pay everyone every month. It's important to set priorities so your electricity stays connected, food's on the table, etc. If you rotate your many debts, you can pay everyone occasionally, so no company's kept waiting so long that they send over a beefy guy named Cheech for a little talk.

There are many ways to set priorities. One is simple gravity -- whichever bill falls off the desk loses out that month. Some people prefer dartboards. I like the "Wheel of Fortune" model: Put all your bills on a Lazy Susan and give it a spin. Whoever hangs on gets paid.

6. Pay bills online. It's no less painful, but it's quicker than writing out checks. If you're the type who prefers to yank a bandage off rather than remove it slowly, then online payments are for you.

7. A positive attitude can help you weather even the worst financial landslide. Don't let that monthly mountain of debt overwhelm you. Chip away at it until you're done. If you keep a smile on your face the whole time, family members will assume you're crazy and keep their distance.

8. When faced with a pile of paperwork, remember: a bonfire can be a welcome source of heat.

9. Regularly balance your checkbook. It takes practice, but as you get better at this, you'll learn to balance the checkbook on your chin, on the tip on your nose, etc.

10. Create a budget and stick to it. Hahahahaha.

One final tip: If you simply can't face the monthly bill-paying chore, then do what I do. Get your spouse to handle it. Then you can live in blissful ignorance of the household financial situation, right up to the moment when the repo men arrive.

Tell Cheech I said hello. And the check's in the mail.

Taking stock

The good news -- your retirement fund and other investments didn't lose any more money today.

The bad news -- that's only because it's Saturday and the markets are closed.

The wrong weekend to give up drinking.

Don't walk under NY ledges

The House refuses to spend $700 billion in taxpayer money on a financial system bailout. Stock market falls 777 points in one day. It's the end of the world! The big crash! We'll never recover!

The next day? Stock market closes up 485 points. Which proves, once again, that the Bush administration doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. And neither does anyone else.

We can only hope that the rest of us survive the fallout as the greedhead Wall Street types take it in the shorts.

Crunching the numbers

It's hard to get your head around $700 billion.

The Bush administration wants to use that much money to bail out the troubled financial industry, thereby saving the economy from another Great Depression. The administration says the taxpayer money would buy up problem mortgages and much of it would eventually get paid back. Hahaha.

The folks at the Florida Sun-Sentinel did the math, and found that this is what you could get for $700 billion:

You could literally buy the world a Coke. One two-liter bottle per person per week for a year.

Or, you could buy a 60-inch high-def TV for every man, woman and child in the U.S.

Or, you could buy braces for the teeth of everyone in Great Britain -- and France.

Or, you could buy all 32 NFL teams -- 27 times.

Or, you could provide Mac laptops to every school-age child in the U.S. -- seven laptops per kid.

Best option of all: You could buy a year's worth of gasoline for every person in the U.S.

Now that might boost the economy.

Happy Mother's Day

Hope all you moms have a great day.

My column in today's Redding Record-Searchlight is about how Mother's Day is a $15 billion industry in America, though surveys show we're spending a little less this year because of the stumbling economy.

The column includes a silly little poem. I try my hand at rhyming poetry about once a decade, just often enough to send me fleeing back to prose.

Pass the gas

With gasoline prices at record highs, a trip to the pumps can feel like a particularly efficient mugging. You stop at a gas station with an empty tank and leave with empty pockets.

Oil companies attribute higher prices to the war in Iraq and other overseas scares, but we consumers aren't so easily fooled. With Texas oilmen running the federal government, it's a pretty safe bet that domestic price-gouging will continue to be "overlooked."

Oilmen hope higher fuel prices will make military action in the Middle East and drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge seem like good ideas to Americans who hear their life savings ding-ding into their gas tanks. We'll bomb our way out of high prices, or we'll plunder the Earth in search of more fuel. And caribou don't get to vote, except in Florida.

All the protest marches and angry e-mails in the world probably can't stop our nation's drive to slake its oil-thirst, or the ever-rising prices. So what's a consumer to do? Use less gasoline.

There's never been a better time, for instance, to work at home. Cut the daily commute out of your life, and you consume less gas. The money you save can be used for purchases for your home office, such as snack food.

Not everyone can work at home, of course. And, even people who don't commute to a job find they must drive sometimes. Children need rides. Face-to-face appointments must be kept. It's easier to ferry groceries home in a car, particularly if you're transporting large amounts of snack food.

But there are ways to cut our fuel consumption. Here are some to consider:

--Try human power. Walking, for example. Bicycles, skates, scooters, skateboards. Not only will you save on gas, but you'll get some exercise. Better to burn those snack-food calories than to burn gasoline.

--Public transportation can be more relaxing than a grueling commute. If you don't have to pay attention to the road, you can spend time reading or napping or exchanging ideas with your fellow passengers. These discussions can be lively. On a bus, you often hear passengers communicating about topics such as personal hygiene, DUI histories, psychotropic medications or each other's parentage.

--Try hitchhiking. If you think the people on the bus are scary, wait until you see who picks you up.

--Carpooling saves gasoline, and you can save even more if you make excuses for not driving whenever it's your turn. You can skip several turns by having your car "in the shop" before your fellow carpoolers catch on and dump you on the shoulder of the road.

--If you have children, much of your gasoline consumption undoubtedly goes to transporting them to after-school activities. Tell your kids such events have been canceled. Once they figure out you're lying, tell them it's their "patriotic duty" to stay home and save gas. If that still doesn't work, try this phrase: "We'll go as soon as you pony up your allowance for Premium Unleaded."

--Park your car and turn off the engine when communicating on your mobile phone. If you insist on using your car for a phone booth, you can at least sit still while you're doing it. Not only will you save fuel, but it'll be safer for the rest of us.

--Drive a more fuel-efficient vehicle. Much has been written about giant SUVs and how much gas they consume. Most people who drive SUVs don't need all that four-wheel-drive power and cargo room because they never take them outside the city limits. They drive SUVs because they think such vehicles are "cool." (Note: SUV is not pronounced "suave.")

Smaller vehicles not only get more miles per gallon, they're easier to push when you run out of gas altogether.

Or, follow my example and drive an aged minivan. It may not be fuel-efficient, but you'll be less tempted to cruise around aimlessly because someone might see you. Plus, if it runs out of gas, you can just abandon it.

And walk away.

Scams and frauds and cons, oh my

If you believe the advertising, work-at-home opportunities are everywhere.

E-mail boxes fill up daily with "spam" ads for home-based careers. Classified ads for "business opportunities" often boast that the businesses can be run from home. Nearly every utility pole on every street, it seems, sports an ad: "Earn $100's Every Week, Working at Home!"

Many of these pitches, sad to say, are simply fraud. They prey on working parents who'd like to stay home all day with the kids, but still make something approaching an income. These scams, experts say, often require the victim to lay out hundreds, even thousands, of dollars as an "initial investment" or for "equipment costs," and then provide no way to recover that money.

Take, for example, one of the oldest swindles -- stuffing envelopes. The only way to "Earn $100's Every Week" stuffing envelopes is if you stuff them with heroin.

It's a shame that so many people fall for these con games, though it's hard to see what the victims expect from any industry where the primary form of advertising is flyers pasted on telephone poles.

However, for people who are creative and industrious, there are "legitimate" ways to make money at home. Let's look at some of these careers, and the special skills and talents they require:

--Telemarketing. Sick of sales pitches during the dinner hour? Then you should look into telemarketing. In this field, you can be the one interrupting other people's dinner! Special skill required: Access to a phone.

--E-bay and other online auction houses. You can make money by selling the junk out of your garage! Once you run out of junk, you can start "borrowing" stuff from your neighbors' garages. Removing garage clutter can be considered a public service! Special talent required: Stealth.

--Selling vitamins and other health products. Americans, particularly Baby Boomers, are obsessed with their health, so this is a hot sales arena. Special requirement for this career: A healthy glow. Customers won't trust your claims if you look sickly.

--Selling beauty products. Not for the naturally ugly. See above.

--Retirement consultant. Guide customers through the tricky thickets of the thrill-ride stock market, slumping 401(k)'s and other investments. Win or lose, you get your commission! Special talent required: Boundless optimism.

--Computer consultant. With a computer on every desk in America, this is a field that just keeps growing! Many people still are not comfortable working with computers, and you can use this discomfort by constantly warning them of viruses, worms and other electronic plagues. If that doesn't work, you can always develop a virus that only you can fix. Talk about a captive audience! Some actual computer skills required.

--Market research and political polling. See "Telemarketing" above.

--Phone sex. Fleece the twisted and lonely! Necessary talent: Must be capable of keeping boredom out of your voice as you say, "Ooh, baby, baby," 179 times a day.

--Psychic hotlines. Thousands of people pay good money every day to consult by phone with seers who can describe the future. No skills required, beyond a healthy imagination. Anyone gullible enough to trust in psychics will believe whatever you tell them.

--Writing books and articles. Forget this one. There's no money in it. Special talent required: Masochism.

--Spam-oriented businesses. Someone, somewhere, is making money from all those e-mail ads offering to refinance your mortgage, shrink/enlarge particular portions of your anatomy or show you the "hottest porn on the Internet." Why shouldn't that someone be you? Special skills: Basic computer skills and the surgical removal of your conscience.

--Brokering business opportunities. You can help others "Earn $100's Every Week" from home-based businesses. They do the work, and you make money from their "initial investments!" Special requirement: Must have a flexible schedule that allows for jail time.

Deal 'em, HAL

We were having the carpets cleaned at our house, and I was sitting at my desk in my home office. No chance of doing anything productive with carpet-cleaning machinery roaring all around, so I was plunking away at computer Solitaire.

The carpet guy noticed and said, "Solitaire, huh? It's funny, with all the high-tech games out there, the one I see people playing most is good old Solitaire."

"It's my downfall," I said without looking away from the screen, too busy losing another game. "Keeps me from getting any work done."

"You're in good company," he said. "Everywhere I go, doctors and lawyers, everyone's playing Solitaire."

That brought me up short. Here's a guy who spends all day in other folks' offices and homes and, everywhere he goes, people are wasting time playing cards with their computers? Don't they have anything better to do?

I recently saw a good movie called "The Man from Elysian Fields." In the film, Andy Garcia plays an unsuccessful novelist (a role for which I felt a special empathy). During one tough period in the novelist's life, he's suffering from writer's block. How did the filmmakers illustrate this? They zoomed in close to his computer to show he was playing Solitaire instead of working.

A guilty titter arose from the audience, one that said, "Been there. Done that."

And all this time I thought I was the only one who wasted hours of every workday playing computer Solitaire and its evil cousin, Free Cell. Apparently, the problem is more widespread.

You might expect that people like me, those without regular jobs, would be especially susceptible to this addiction. We're in our home offices all day with no bosses looking over our shoulders.
But "doctors and lawyers?" Are attorneys spending their billable hours diddling their keyboards rather than seeking truth and justice and headline-grabbing tobacco settlements? Are doctors taking time away from patients to have "consultations" with their computers?

These days, most American workers have computers on their desks. Are they all squeezing in a few hands of Solitaire between clients? Is this why you can never get anyone to answer a business phone?

The United States has the most productive workforce on the planet. Could we be even more productive if we weren't wasting huge amounts of time playing cards? If everyone stopped playing Solitaire, maybe we could pull the economy out of its slump.

Then again, perhaps Solitaire is the cause of the slump. Maybe, after 9/11 and Enron and Iraq and the deluge of other bad news, American workers said to themselves, "Whew, I can't take it anymore. Maybe a few quiet games of Solitaire will lift my spirits . . . "

Next thing you know, the economy's in the toilet.

You don't have to be completely paranoid to take this even further, though it helps. Computer Solitaire could be a terrorist plot to wreck our productivity. Or, it could be Bill Gates' secret plan to take over the world economy.

That "irrational exuberance" Alan Greenspan's always going on about? That's when someone wins a game.

Because what could be more irrational than devoting large blocks of time to a game that's so hard to win? No matter how much you practice (and, believe me, I've tested this theory), Solitaire remains very difficult. Lots of luck involved. Make one wrong move and -- pfft! -- it's time to start over.

And you will start a new game. You might plan to just dip in, play one little game, and get out again before anyone notices that you're wasting company time. But you're an American; you want to win. Next thing you know, the only people left in the office are you and the janitors.

How can we stop this evil influence? By swearing off Solitaire. We can become more productive workers and stop wasting our lives.

Follow my lead, America. No more Solitaire. Find a better way to use your workday.

I, personally, intend to spend more time playing Tetris.

Got money?

Many of us who work at home find ourselves separated from the mainstream of the stumbling American economy.

While regular workers spend increasing amounts of time worrying about their money, we freelance types say in resentful, guttural tones: "What is this 'money' and how do we get some?"

But say you have some of this so-called "money." Do you know what to do with it? Are you saving for retirement? College? A rainy day?

Whether you work at home or in the usual slave labor, how you handle your money can determine whether you weather the current tidal wave of economic crises or become more welfare flotsam.

Money management is not for amateurs. Make a mistake, and you can regret it for a lifetime or beyond. Yet studies show that most Americans know more about football than they do about financial planning.

To see whether you're knowledgeable enough to handle your own finances, take the following quiz:

Question: To "invest" means to:

A. Plant your money in a place where it will grow.
B. Hide your money in the pocket of your vest.
C. Buy a new truck.
D. Wave bye-bye to your money.

Q. "Consumer debt" is:

A. Money you owe to MasterCard.
B. The fuel in the engine of the American economy.
C. Something we all have in common.
D. A lifelong pursuit.

Q: A "pension" is a:

A. Retirement fund.
B. Small hotel in France.
C. Pipe dream.
D. CEO's slush fund.

Q. The term "interest" means:

A. To hold one's attention.
B. Your share in a successful enterprise.
C. Money you earn on your savings.
D. Money you pay to a loan shark.

Q. "Mortgage interest" can be deducted from:

A. Your taxes.
B. Your landlord's taxes.
C. Your wallet.
D. The national debt.

Q. A 401(k) is a retirement fund that allows you to invest your pre-tax earnings now and collect the gains when you retire. What does the (k) stand for?

A. Karma.
B. Klutz.
C. Kick yourself.
D. Kill yourself.

Q. An "IRA" is:

A. A tax shelter.
B. A method of earning 2 percent interest on your retirement savings.
C. One of the Gershwin brothers.
D. The Irish Republican Army.

Q. The stock market is a way to:

A. Secure your future.
B. Diversify your portfolio.
C. Lose your assets.
D. Justify suicide.

Q. When considering a particular investment, you should:

A. Research it carefully.
B. Consult a professional.
C. Ask your Uncle Morty for a "hot tip."
D. Flip a coin.

Q. "Mutual fund" means:

A. A collection of investments managed by a professional.
B. A shared risk.
C. Read the fine print.
D. Community property.

Q. "Taxes" are:

A. Every American's responsibility.
B. To be avoided.
C. An albatross around the neck of the working man.
D. The largest state in the contiguous U.S.

Q. If you find ways to reduce your "tax burden," you could end up:

A. With more money to invest.
B. With more money to spend on a new truck.
C. In an IRS auditor's office.
D. In prison.

Q. "Wealth" is:

A. The measure of all your collected assets.
B. Relative.
C. Something your relatives have.
D. A pipe dream.

Q. The safest place to keep your money is in:

A. Mutual funds.
B. An interest-bearing savings account.
C. The stock market.
D. A cookie jar.

Q. To "diversify your portfolio" means:

A. To spread your money around among several different types of investments.
B. To carefully balance risk investments against "sure things."
C. To change the color of your briefcase.
D. To put your money in several different cookie jars.

Q. It's often said that "money can't buy happiness," but it can buy:

A. Financial security.
B. The illusion of happiness.
C. Politicians.
D. A new truck.

Tell us something we didn't know

So former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan goes on TV and says the nation's definitely "in the throes of a recession." The stock market responds by immediately plunging into negative territory.

Could someone please tell Mr. Greenspan to shut the hell up?

Thank you.

It's the economy that's stupid

Now that the phrase "The New Economy" must always be accompanied by a loud flushing noise, you might be asking yourself: Does it still make sense to work in a home office?

The answer is a resounding "You betcha!"

Sure, the economy's on the skids. Yes, the stock market's bouncing up and down like a beach ball at a Jimmy Buffett concert. And, of course, the current economic crisis makes managers edgy and cold. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't barge into the boss' office and demand to be allowed to work at home.

Your boss no doubt is distracted by the falling stocks ticking inside his head. Your boss is fumbling for the ripcord on his golden parachute. Your boss has big worries, such as whether to buy silence from his accountant before the Feds close in.

Your boss does not have time to deal with puny problems such as whether you, loyal worker, perform your duties from the corner office or from a corner of your den.

(For that matter, you could file your reports from the corner bar, and your harried boss probably wouldn't notice.)

So now, while the Big Guy is preoccupied with big issues such as tax evasion, might be the perfect time to ask: Can I work from home?

In The New Economy (flush!), working at home makes more sense than ever. Communications technology makes it possible to keep in touch all the time, and most high-tech, information-oriented work can be done from a home computer.

The 20 million-plus of us who already work at home know it's cheaper, simpler and more efficient than commuting to a job. Working at home makes for a flexible lifestyle, which is important if you have school-age children who always need to be driven somewhere. Plus, a home office comes with such intangible benefits as being able to eat Twinkies at your desk while working in your underwear.

Despite these benefits, many nervous employers resist the home office trend. They don't trust New Economy (flush!) workers to put in a full 60-hour week unless someone keeps an eye on them. Employers prefer "all hands on deck" so they have a large number of scapegoats to blame when things go terribly wrong.

The trick to persuading bosses to allow you to work at home is to show them that it's to their benefit to not have you underfoot.

Here are some facts to help you make your pitch:

--Studies have shown companies save money when they don't have to provide office space for all their employees, particularly the fat ones.

--Research has found that at-home workers are just as productive as ones kept under surveillance, and they're happier and more likely to stay in a particular job.

--Time currently spent commuting could be used more productively. And you'd conserve fossil fuels, unless you count the Twinkies.

--At-home workers are less likely to testify against their employers.

--Fewer documents to shred.

Working at home does have it hazards, particularly if you have school-age children who always need to be driven somewhere. Some people find they lose their foothold on the Ladder of Success when they work at home in their underwear. You can find yourself "out of the loop," missing important watercooler gossip about who's getting promoted and who's getting fired and who's going to prison.

(On the other hand, you get to be absent when SEC investigators raid the place.)

If working at home sounds right for you, go spring the question on your boss. What have you got to lose? Well, your job, for one thing. Your request might be the straw that breaks the proverbial CEO's back. He might say something like, "You want to stay home all day? Go ahead. You're fired."

But is that any worse than sitting around the office, biting your nails and watching the stock market, anxiously awaiting news that the pension fund's gone or the company's going belly-up or the Big Guy's going to Club Fed?

The New Economy (flush!) is steeped in worry and uncertainty, but you can be worried and uncertain anywhere.

Wouldn't you rather sit it out at home?

Executive privilege

MEMORANDUM from:
N. Ron Andersen
President and CEO
Upuhrs Industries, Inc.

Dear trusted employees:

It has come to our attention here at headquarters that some of you are dissatisfied with recent developments in the company's economic condition.

Let me be honest. Yes, our great ship of industry has hit the rocks. Yes, our stock, which topped out at nearly $100 a share, now is so worthless that even panhandlers won't take it. And yes, all of your retirement benefits were tied up in that same stock.

But this is no time to despair. You should look at this financial cataclysm as a learning opportunity. As our government officials have declared, the falling fortunes of Upuhrs Industries prove a valuable lesson in the vagaries of capitalism, the economic system that made this country great.

Capitalism, a word derived from the ancient Greek for "every man for himself," gives every American the opportunity to ascend the corporate ladder and amass immense riches. Sure, it helps if you're a white male with friends in powerful places. But the very founders of this country were white males with powerful friends, and where would we be today if it hadn't been for those slave-owning white males? To question our great corporate culture is simply unpatriotic.

(To those churlish employees who spray-painted "Eat the Rich" on our $300 million corporate headquarters, I can only say: You are un-American. By the way, we know who the culprits are, and they can expect a late-night knock on the door of the cheap motel room where they've been staying since the company's fortunes went kablooey.)

As I was saying, capitalism allows every American the chance at great wealth. Need proof? Then look at the corporate board of Upuhrs Industries. Each of the suits who sits on our board made hundreds of millions of dollars by selling off his Upuhrs stock before the "crash." They remain what's commonly known as "filthy rich," even though our company has tanked and all the employees are now broke. If that's not filthy, I don't know what is.

But to resent the good fortune of our corporate leaders is to take the short-sighted view. We worked hard to reach the top of the ladder, climbing and striving and pushing competitors off the rungs. Sure, we had the advantages of Ivy League educations and inherited fortunes and friends in the White House. But, otherwise, we're no different from you lowly employees. We struggled, believe you me. I myself still bear the scars from injuries suffered in a college lacrosse match. And I know each of our board members has, at some time in his life, suffered a wicked hangover.

But why, you might ask, has this suffering made us wealthy, while you regular employees are off to the poorhouse? It's for the greater good of society.

Republicans have argued for years that we at the top should get all the juicy tax cuts because we'll use our money to benefit mankind, and that same philosophy applies here. What would you employees do if you still had money? You'd use it to retire, send your kids to college, buy a new boat, make mortgage payments. These are all selfish reasons. We, on the other hand, will use our vast gains for the greater good, such as buying a new yacht. By doing so, we'll keep this country's yacht builders at full employment. And that benefits the American economy.

To those who believe we lied, stole and "cooked" the books to get rich while you got nothing, I can only feel pity. I would gladly dispute those contentions, but our corporate attorney, H.R. "Stonewall" Jaxon, has advised that I should not go into specifics here.

Instead, I would ask you to look at the bigger picture. You've all worked hard for years to make Upuhrs Industries a great company. We at the top appreciate those efforts, and we've profited greatly from them. Thanks to you, we can afford congressmen and teams of lawyers that will keep us from being prosecuted for our alleged misdeeds. While you're pacing the floor all night, worrying, we will enjoy untroubled sleep as the waves gently lap at our yachts.

And that, my friends, is the true meaning of "executive privilege."