My Bouchercon joke

Sometimes, you hear a joke you like so much, you keep it to yourself, saving it for a special occasion. I did just that recently with a joke told to me by my Redding, CA, pal Rick Hobbs. I didn't post it on the Internet or e-mail it to my friends. I saved it for the after-hours poker game at Bouchercon.

And now I share it with you:

Two old boys were out hunting when they stumbled upon an enormous sinkhole in the woods. The hole was so deep that they couldn't see the bottom, so naturally they start looking around for something big to throw in there. Over in the bushes, they spot a rusty auto transmission. The two of them lift it and stagger over to the edge and heave the transmission into the hole.

They're both leaning out, listening for the transmission to hit bottom, when they hear an enormous crashing behind them. They wheel around just as a full-grown goat comes charging out of the bushes. The goat runs right between the two startled hunters, goes off the edge and disappears into the hole.

The hunters are dumbfounded. Before they can sort it out, a farmer in overalls ambles out of the woods and says, "Hey, you boys seen a goat?"

The hunters stammer out that they had by God just seen a goat, and that the goat had run right past them and committed suicide in that there sinkhole. Damnedest thing they'd ever seen.

And the farmer says: "Naw, that can't be my goat. My goat is chained to an old transmission."

That's my Bouchercon joke. Feel free to share it. Or save it for a special occasion.

More fun with typos

From the front page of today's Record-Searchlight here in Redding, CA: "Republicans reek to avoid adding to debt."

I'm pretty sure the newspaper meant "seek," but things have been different at the R-S since Dr. Freud started working on the copy desk.

I recently saw a Craigslist real estate ad that mentioned "double pain windows." Imagine how bad that view must be.

Finally, there was the professional author whose Facebook post the other day referred to "overcoming a handy cap." That's when you put your cap in an inconvenient place? So it's not so handy?

Yet more fun with typos

As reported recently, I've done a lot of high-speed typing lately, and that has resulted in some interesting typos:

--"camera bang"
--"sightning"
--"peeking in the widow"

I was talking about music, but it came out "concrete promoter."

This one for NRA members: "Gunsot."

Grossest: "tick carpet underfoot." Eeww.

This typing was part of the Kindle prep for "Lonely Street," the first Bubba Mabry mystery. The one they made into a movie. Coming soon to Kindle and other e-book formats.

More fun with typos

This is the best one yet. Last night, at a Chinese restaurant here in Redding, we spotted this in the seafood section of the menu:

Fun with Craigslist

In anticipation of our big move, I'm spending way too much time looking at rental properties on Craigslist. Because people do their own copy-editing on Craigslist, you sometimes find hilarious mistakes, such as the recent ad that began, "Basque on your sun deck. . . "

Here's today's find. In an ad for a nice apartment were the words "ceramic tile threw out the kitchen."

Ha-ha. We all know that's wrong. They mean "thrown."

By any other name

I love the fact that my city has a windshield repair place called "Crackmaster."

Also, there's a giant sign over a bookstore/religious goods shop that says "Redding CHRISTIAN SUPPLY." In case you were wondering where to buy some.

Hard-boiled

Trying out a bit of dialogue:

"I like my coffee like I like my women -- hot, sweet and in my lap."

What do you think? No? Doesn't work?

I told this one to my wife, just kidding around, and she said, "What do you mean 'women,' plural?'"

Whoops.

Headline of the Day

From Bloomberg.com: Japanese Finance Chief Nakagawa Resigns in Blow to Aso

Helpful hint: The prime minister of Japan is named Taro Aso. Isn't "taro" a root?

Literary memories

Every time I walk down our home's central hall, I see on top of a low bookshelf a thick Richard Ford novel I still haven't read, "The Lay of the Land."

And every time comes this unbidden thought: I remember her! From high school!

Proof, once again, that I will always be fourteen years old.

DIY holiday letter

With the holiday season wrapping up and a new year dawning, many Americans feel compelled to write "holiday letters" full of family news.

These missives, often sent instead of Christmas cards, allow the sender to update everyone on the mailing list with tantalizing tidbits from the past year without drafting individual, personalized letters or e-mails. They are the holiday equivalent of "spam."

Perhaps you, too, would like to wipe out all your correspondence debts by sending a holiday letter, but you don't know where to begin. Maybe the act of writing is too daunting, or you feel you have nothing to say, or you're too jaded to master the required "folksy" tone.

We're here to help. All you need to complete an interesting holiday letter is a template, a fill-in-the-blanks format that will get you started. Once you get rolling, you'll find you have plenty to say, and you'll probably end up telling all your family's failings and funny foibles. Then, next year, you can write the "please forgive me" letter.

THE UNIVERSAL HOLIDAY LETTER TEMPLATE

Season's greetings from the (your last name here) family! Hope this letter finds you all doing well, enjoying the holidays with your (choose one: many/few/dreaded/drunken) friends and relatives!

It's been a busy year in the (your name) household! We've been (blessed/cursed) in many ways, and we're (thankful/disillusioned/insulted) that (your deity here) has seen fit to let us welcome another year.

By now, many of you have already heard that we've moved. Please note our new address, but don't spread it around to the (stalkers/bill collectors/legbreakers) we've left behind. Our new (home/trailer/tent) is delightful, and we're really looking forward to (decorating/furnishing/being evicted from) it.

This past year has been a big one for (letter writer's name here), a time of (change/renewal/misery). As you might've heard, I now have a new (job/drug habit/lover), and this naturally has put a certain strain on all of us around here. Haha. I'm adjusting (fine/poorly/slowly) to these new conditions, and hope to soon be (promoted/divorced/paroled).

As for (spouse's name here), this has truly been a year of miracles. The (doctor/lawyer/psychiatrist) says incredible progress has been made, and soon (spouse) will be able to (walk/talk/drink/drive/eat/work) just as (he/she) did before! We feel truly blessed by this news.

The kids are doing great, too. (Child's name) will (graduate/be released from) (high school/college/juvenile hall/rehab) this spring, and we hope (child) soon will select a (field of study/career path/part-time job/hobby) that will reflect (his/her) true (talents/abilities/ridiculous lifestyle).

Our other child, (name here), suffers from typical teen-age (acne/ennui/depression/pyromania), but we're hoping that will clear up real soon. Haha. (Child) is looking forward to the new year when (he/she) will be (driving/going to prom/flunking school/running away from home).

Modern life is always a challenge, isn't it? This year, our (car/computer/TV/plumbing/iron lung/pet) gave up the ghost and we had to (replace it/have it fixed/steal a new one/go without). That's the way it goes!

Some sad news came our way this year when we (learned of/witnessed/caused) the death of favorite (grandparent/aunt/uncle) (dead person's name here). The holidays just weren't the same without (dead person) among us, (laughing/singing/whining/boozing/lifting her skirt over her head) the way (he/she) always did at Christmastime. We're sure (dead person) is looking down on us right now, (smiling/weeping/criticizing/spitting).

I could go on and on about our (successes/failures/health problems/legal woes/bad habits), but I've said (enough/too much) already.

Drop us a line! We'd love to hear about your (family/career/health/bankruptcy), especially if you're (poorer/unhappier/sicker/crazier) than we are. We can always use some good news!

Happy New Year! And many happy (returns/birthdays/tax audits/colonoscopies/holiday letters)!

Useful new words

(Editor's note: There's some problem with getting Friday's column on redding.com, so I'm posting it here for those of you who don't see the actual paper. This one cracks me up.)

Now, from the people who brought you “splut” and “wobblywad,” come more new words that should be added to the dictionary:

Allergenetics: Breaking out in hives whenever exposed to extended family.

Ascut: Getting one’s necktie caught in the paper shredder.

Ballpointless: An ink-stained shirt pocket.

Barrump-barrumps: Those little raised lane dividers on highways.

Bickerbacker: One who supports an argument.

Bleeper: Someone who curses whenever he’s paged.

Boopster: One who speaks in a high, girlish voice. (See also: “Giggletwitter.”)

Boxscars: Wounds resulting from mishandling of cardboard.

Browbeatle: A haircut with long bangs.

Chakrakhan: Doing yoga to musical accompaniment. (See also: “Manilotus“)

Clickerspeed: The measurement of how fast you can change the TV channel when a “Girls Gone Wild” commercial appears in a room where there are children.

Daisycheney: Attacking one foreign nation after another.

Dowdownfall: Stock market plunge.

Filenotfoundophobia: The fear of losing your computer data.

Googlelicious: Attractive to Internet search engines.

Heelmoons: The marks left when you put your feet up on the coffee table.

Hellofodder: Words wasted on e-mail greetings.

High-hat trick: Snubbing someone three times.

Holidazement: Zombie-like state brought on by shopping and Christmas carols.

Injurypool: People who lose wages while serving in a courtroom.

Ipodectomy: Surgical removal of “ear buds.”

Kneebang: Injury resulting from sudden movement while seated at a desk.

Maddenmouth: The impulse to use onomatopoeic words like “bang!” and “pow!”

Mooger: The crusty residue found on a squeeze-bottle of mustard.

Nascarcinoma: Cigarette advertising at auto races.

Noprob: An ill-mannered way of saying “You’re welcome.”

Palindrone: A speech by a vice presidential candidate.

Parashoot: Free fall.

Pavemint: The refreshing taste of asphalt.

Photofinnish: A picture in which everyone looks Scandinavian.

PINsive: That edgy feeling when you make errors while trying to use an automatic teller machine.

Quaranicotine: The practice of isolating cigarette smokers.

Raisinography: The tracing of face wrinkles.

Schedfull: An overbooked calendar.

Shamupoo: Whale soap.

Snickerdoodie: Laughing in public restrooms.

Spatterpatter: The string of curse words unleashed when you’re burned by flying grease.

Splatula: The greasy mark left on a countertop by a kitchen implement.

Stereotypist: One who can work on a computer and listen to music at the same time.

Stewpid: Too dumb to cook from scratch.

Thumbtax: Overwork via text-messaging.

Triscuitdeckophobia: The fear of eating snack crackers outdoors.

Tweeterbeater: Someone who awakes before the early bird.

Waistbasket: A large, round belly.

Wickerpedia: Knowing everything about baskets.

Woodgie: The painful result of sliding down a banister.

Xerorepromoonics: The practice of photocopying one’s backside.

Zapology: The study of remote control usage.

Zeroneologist: One who has nothing better to do than to come up with silly new words.

Stars in my, um, eyes

My horoscope on America Online begins this way today: "Your 2nd House of Money is cooking today as the Full Moon aligns with electrifying Uranus."

I'll do a lot of things for money, but electrification isn't one of them. I'm not showing a full moon, either, I don't care how much is offered.

Take this job and sing it

When I learned the country band Lonestar had a hit song called "Mr. Mom," my first reaction was: Hey, those guys are working my side of the street.

I've been milking the Mr. Mom work-at-home routine for years. Who do these upstarts think they are, suddenly jumping on the househusband bandwagon and getting rich off of it?

Then I began to see the error of my ways. I've been writing 600-word newspaper columns about being a middle-aged man who deals with kids and stains and housework and plumbing emergencies. That's not what consumers want. They want country songs!

And what's the secret to a hit country song? Lyrics that are easily encapsulated in one snappy catch-phrase: "Take this job and shove it." "Achy-breaky heart." "Honky-tonk heroes." "Boot scootin' boogie."

(That last one always makes me think of a cowboy who stepped in something, but never mind.)

If I want to make my Mr. Mom theme finally pay off, what I need are country song titles that will capture the public's imagination and sell a jillion copies. Doesn't matter that I can't sing or play an instrument. The snappy title's the main marketing tool here. If one of them catches Nashville's attention, I can always write a song to go under it.

Here are some of the country song titles I'm working on:

--"Stuck at Home, Sweet Darlin', While You Work"
--"Honky Tonk Soccer Daddy"
--"My Home Office Sure Is Empty Without You"
--"I Feel Like a (Washer)Woman"
--"Sadder than a Winter Coat in the Grade School Lost-and-Found"
--"Lookin' For Gloves in All the Wrong Places"
--"I Got Swingin' Doors, a Toolbox and a Casserole"
--"Oh, Little Baby, Why Won't You Let Me Sleep?"
--"Cold, Cold Leftovers"
--"I Do Paperwork After Midnight"
--"Come Back, Sweetheart, and Take These Children Away"
--"Another Saturday Night and I'm Watchin' Barney"
--"You Can't Get Grape Jelly Out of Rayon, Darlin'"
--"Achy-Breaky Shake 'n' Bakey"
--"Can't Chase Women While Wearin' an Apron"
--"If I Had a Hammer (I'd Break My Thumb With It)"
--"In the Poorhouse Now"
--"The Toilet Overflowed and Washed My Sanity Away"
--"A Man of Constant Borrow," from the hit movie, "O Brother, Where Art That Money I Loaned You?"
--"That's Not Lipstick, I Swear. It's Crayola"
--"Your Cheatin' Lawyer"
--"I Can't Change, Baby, But That Diaper's Got To"
--"Tumblin' Dustbunnies"
--"We're Cookin' Tonight, Sweet Mama, 'Cause We Can't Afford No Fast Food"
--"Nothing Wrong with You a Little Salve Wouldn't Fix"
--"Vacuumin' For Your Love"
--"Broken Dreams and Smart-Aleck Teens"
--"Can't Spruce Up the Place While I Pine Over You"
--"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Work in Cubicles"
--"I'll Kiss It and Make It Better"
--"Real Cowboys Don't Wear Sweatpants"
--"The Kids Pushed Me (In Front of that Train)"
--"Rednecks, White Socks and Clean Underwear"
--"Computer Reboot Boogie"
--"If You've Got the Money, Honey, I'll Work at Home"

A letter to E.T.

NEWS ITEM: A Rutgers University study concludes that extraterrestrials are more likely to contact us through some physical means, such as a written message, than through radio signals, which fade and scatter as they travel through space.

Which raises the question of our reply:

Dear Sir or Madam (or Other):

Greetings from Earth! Hope this letter finds you doing well in the four trillion years it will take to reach your galaxy.

Boy, were we surprised to hear from you! Sure, we've been thinking about you for centuries, but most of us never really expected this first contact. Many didn't even believe you existed! Ha-ha. Are our faces red now, or what?

We've thought long and hard about how to respond, and it took a while to reach a consensus. (After all, there are six billion of us here, voting on it. How big is your neighborhood?)

The main message we settled upon is this: We Mean You No Harm.

Yes, we tend to be a warlike species, as you've no doubt noted from afar. But we only kill each other (if you don't count all those extinct Earth species, such as dodos, but let's not go there). We've never hurt any creatures from beyond our planet, as far as we know. So you have nothing to fear from us, particularly if you're sitting on advanced weapons such as Death Rays that could vaporize our planet.

Whew, glad we got that out of the way! Now to tell you a little about ourselves. We are bipedal creatures with (and we're trying not to brag here) large brains. We are symmetrical, but come in many sizes and shapes, mostly ovoid.

We live on land masses, which we've divided into "countries," to give us a reason to hate each other. Good borders make good neighbors, we always say.

Different countries have different political systems, but most work like this: The people give their wealth to a government, which in turn spends it. This is known as "taxation," and is one of the many forms of torture our species has devised.

Our wealth, usually in the form of "money," comes from producing goods and services, or as we call it, "work." Do you have "work" on your planet? If so, how many weeks of vacation do you get each year? If not, can we come live there?

The "money" that isn't sucked up by the government goes to "buy" goods and services for our family units. These include shelter, fuel, clothing, college tuition and beer. Our food comes from many sources -- plants, animals, sugar, and an assortment of chemicals. (But we don't dine on other humans. Well, hardly ever. And you shouldn't either! Ha-ha.)

When not working, we amuse ourselves in ways that probably seem primitive to you, such as television and sex. We also enjoy "sports," which are various forms of simulated war in which nobody gets hurt. Much.

Most Earthlings believe in some sort of Supreme Being who created the universe. Have you encountered such a being in your travels? Sorry to say, He never mentioned you all to us. That's partly why we were so surprised to get your message. Of all the things our prophets might've mentioned, you'd think this encounter would've been right up there.

Ah, well, surprise is good for us. At least we've stopped warring long enough to look skyward in wonder. We're no longer aiming missiles at each other; we're pointing them at the heavens.

Let us reiterate: We Mean You No Harm. Really. Feel free to stop by anytime. We're the blue planet, third from the Sun. Our atmosphere is always open!

But you might want to call first.

Funniest thing I've read lately

From one of my favorite sites -- www.overheardinnewyork.com:

Hobo: Can anybody help me? Can anybody help me get some food? Can anybody help me get something to eat? I appreciate it.

20-something girl, handing him a ziplocked sandwich: It's peanut butter and jelly.

(Hobo hands it back, reconsiders, opens bag, sniffs it, and reluctantly eats it)

Hobo eating sandwich: Cam amymumy hem me. Cam amymumy hem me geh some food that's not a peanut butter sammich. I appreciate it.

--1 Train

Those stinkers

On our fridge we have one of those magnetic notepads where we keep a running list of Things We Need From the Supermarket. Today, I noticed someone had written on the list: "Nice cheeses."

Damn straight. I hate those cheeses that aren't nice. They're always pushing around the other groceries.

Fish today?

Last night at Marketfest, I was in the beer line behind a young woman who had this tattoo on the back of her neck: "Carpi Diem."

It took all my willpower to resist tapping her on the shoulder and pointing out that the Latin phrase for "seize the day" is actually "Carpe Diem." None of my business what she wants permanently inked onto her neck, right? But still . . .

On the other hand, maybe she spelled it that way on purpose. "Carpi" is the plural for the bones in the wrist. Maybe she meant "Wrist the Day." I don't get it, but then I'm an old fogey with no tattoos at all.

What's the Latin for "Stop tattooing yourself until you learn to spell?"

And my seat cushion is a flotation device

I was eating a "fun-size" Milky Way bar when I noticed this on the label: "May Contain Peanuts."

Dude. If a Milky Way contains peanuts, it's a Snickers.

Another lifestyle choice

This came to me in a dream last night. It's an idea for a sign:

BEATEN PATH

KEEP OFF

Overheard in Seattle

College girl and guy walking together around Green Lake.

Girl: "I called you a strapping brute like four times yesterday!"