Take this job and sing it

When I learned the country band Lonestar had a hit song called "Mr. Mom," my first reaction was: Hey, those guys are working my side of the street.

I've been milking the Mr. Mom work-at-home routine for years. Who do these upstarts think they are, suddenly jumping on the househusband bandwagon and getting rich off of it?

Then I began to see the error of my ways. I've been writing 600-word newspaper columns about being a middle-aged man who deals with kids and stains and housework and plumbing emergencies. That's not what consumers want. They want country songs!

And what's the secret to a hit country song? Lyrics that are easily encapsulated in one snappy catch-phrase: "Take this job and shove it." "Achy-breaky heart." "Honky-tonk heroes." "Boot scootin' boogie."

(That last one always makes me think of a cowboy who stepped in something, but never mind.)

If I want to make my Mr. Mom theme finally pay off, what I need are country song titles that will capture the public's imagination and sell a jillion copies. Doesn't matter that I can't sing or play an instrument. The snappy title's the main marketing tool here. If one of them catches Nashville's attention, I can always write a song to go under it.

Here are some of the country song titles I'm working on:

--"Stuck at Home, Sweet Darlin', While You Work"
--"Honky Tonk Soccer Daddy"
--"My Home Office Sure Is Empty Without You"
--"I Feel Like a (Washer)Woman"
--"Sadder than a Winter Coat in the Grade School Lost-and-Found"
--"Lookin' For Gloves in All the Wrong Places"
--"I Got Swingin' Doors, a Toolbox and a Casserole"
--"Oh, Little Baby, Why Won't You Let Me Sleep?"
--"Cold, Cold Leftovers"
--"I Do Paperwork After Midnight"
--"Come Back, Sweetheart, and Take These Children Away"
--"Another Saturday Night and I'm Watchin' Barney"
--"You Can't Get Grape Jelly Out of Rayon, Darlin'"
--"Achy-Breaky Shake 'n' Bakey"
--"Can't Chase Women While Wearin' an Apron"
--"If I Had a Hammer (I'd Break My Thumb With It)"
--"In the Poorhouse Now"
--"The Toilet Overflowed and Washed My Sanity Away"
--"A Man of Constant Borrow," from the hit movie, "O Brother, Where Art That Money I Loaned You?"
--"That's Not Lipstick, I Swear. It's Crayola"
--"Your Cheatin' Lawyer"
--"I Can't Change, Baby, But That Diaper's Got To"
--"Tumblin' Dustbunnies"
--"We're Cookin' Tonight, Sweet Mama, 'Cause We Can't Afford No Fast Food"
--"Nothing Wrong with You a Little Salve Wouldn't Fix"
--"Vacuumin' For Your Love"
--"Broken Dreams and Smart-Aleck Teens"
--"Can't Spruce Up the Place While I Pine Over You"
--"Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Work in Cubicles"
--"I'll Kiss It and Make It Better"
--"Real Cowboys Don't Wear Sweatpants"
--"The Kids Pushed Me (In Front of that Train)"
--"Rednecks, White Socks and Clean Underwear"
--"Computer Reboot Boogie"
--"If You've Got the Money, Honey, I'll Work at Home"