Broken news

"Good evening, and welcome to Eyewitness On-the-Spot First Live Late-Breaking News. I'm Tony Wardrobe. Jana Divot has the night off because she's having a bad hair day.

"We'll get to our Big Exclusive Story in a minute, but first this Breaking News you'll see only here on Channel 5. Bob Gocup reports live, right now, from high in the sky in our exclusive helicopter. Bob?"

"That's right, Tony. Chopper 5 was first on the scene at this fender-bender on a gravel road approximately 37 miles from downtown. No one was injured, but you can see from this shaky aerial shot that police cars are on the scene."

"I guess this will tie up the evening commute, Bob."

"Not really, Tony. This is a dead-end road that's rarely used. But, as you can see in our exclusive shot, the police cars are flashing their pretty red lights and that makes darned good video."

"Thanks, Bob. Now for tonight's Big Exclusive Story. Crime. It's everywhere, all the time. There's probably a criminal lurking outside your bedroom window right now. You should hide behind your sofa until the police get there. Stay with Channel 5 for the latest updated Crime News.

"Now let's go to Wilbur Forehead for our First Look at the weather. Wilbur?"

"Thanks, Tony. It's been a pleasant day so far, but I can see through our exclusive studio window that there's one small cloud near the western horizon. Anything could happen. You viewers shouldn't go out of the house without first taking proper precautions. Keep it tuned here for further weather reports."

"Thanks, Wilbur. We'll get back to you for the Full Forecast in a few minutes. But first, a follow-up to a Big Story you first saw here three days ago. Channel 5 was first with the exclusive story about a tragic incident that forever changed the lives of one local family. Death, property damage, bad vibes. All because someone used a hair dryer in the shower.

"We'll be back to hold the victim up to ridicule after these words from our sponsors. Coming up: Will we go to war with Iran? Did the local basketball team win? Are you about to have a heart attack? All that and more when we return."

(Insert six minutes of moronic commercials here.)

"Welcome back. Tonight, we'll bring you disturbing video of a high-speed chase by police in a distant state, the latest congressional scandal, a new terrorism alert and your full seven-day forecast. But first these messages."

(Six more minutes of inanity.)

"We're back with the latest crime news. Robbery. Murder. Arson. Assault. These crimes and more could happen any minute. Quick, run out and buy yourself a gun and some body armor.

"If you know anything about these crimes or if your neighbor's dog won't stop barking, you should call Crime Stoppers and rat somebody out."

(More commercials.)

"Now for an investigative story you'll only see here on Eyewitness On-the-Spot First Live Late-Breaking News. Are M&Ms hazardous to your health? What about the green ones? For the latest on this troubling investigative story, we go to Juanita Botox, 'live' in the newsroom, which means she's maybe six feet from where I'm sitting. Juanita?"

"Thanks, Tony. So far, the makers of M&Ms aren't returning our phone calls. And we all know what that means."

"Thank you for that exclusive report, Juanita. It certainly does look suspicious. We turn now to international news in this 'World Minute' that I taped during my lunch break.

"Crises in the following countries: Iraq. Iran. North Korea. Israel. Venezuela. Could these international developments affect you? Will gasoline prices rise? Could this be the end of the world? Tune in at ten, when we'll give you the full details.

"We'll be back in a few minutes with more news, weather and sports. But first, the really Big Story of the day. Our ratings are up! Thanks to viewers like you, who demand nothing more, we can spend all our time on self-promotion, meaningless crime scares, long-winded weather reports and cute video of little doggies, and we're the No. 1 station in our time slot! Now, for more exclusive commercials. . . "