More acronyms? WTF?

We who work at home can become distanced from the rhetoric of business, the everyday shorthand that infects most offices.

At-home workers who fail to recognize the hot terms or sprinkle them into office communications will be marked as incompetent outsiders, employees who are OOTL, or "Out Of The Loop."

I use that real-life business expression to demonstrate the most important part of speech in the corporate world -- the acronym.

Yes, acronyms are all the rage. From NIMBY to BYOB, and all points in between, acronyms adorn the conversations of those who are ITK, or "In The Know." Newspaper financial pages are more elaborate and detailed than ever before, and they're chock-full of acronyms. Everybody's paying attention to the economy because we all invested our retirement funds in IPOs, or "Idiots Purchasing Obsolescence."

CEOs ("Can't Explain Overruns") want employees and freelancers who know the lingo. If you want to stay current in your field or, more importantly, want to keep working at home, you must prove you know your ASAP from a hole in the ground.

But, you whine, how can I find time to learn all my acronyms? I'm too busy doing actual work to waste hours cramming my head full of alphabet soup.

Fear not. The Home Front is here to serve. What follows is a dictionary of acronyms, carefully gleaned from e-mail, business correspondence, financial magazines, newspapers and various other documents found here on my desk. You may have seen such lists before, but we can all use a refresher. Current jargon is always changing, and sometimes acronyms have come to mean something new. You want to be up to date.

ASAP: Act Stupid And Procrastinate.

SASE: Scan and Snub Expeditiously.

FAX: Fetch And Xerox.

TELEX: Troglodytes Employing Lost Era's Xerox.

HWHAP: Houston, We Have A Problem.

NASA: No Assigned Space for Amateurs.

NYSE: New York. Suckers Enticed.

S&P: Staggered & Poorer.

NASDAQ: Need A Second DAiQuiri.

DOW: Death Out Window.

WTC: Whew, Trouble Coming.

SBA: Sorry, Bub. Attrition.

GNP: Gosh, No Payroll.

MBO: Mumbling 'Bout Opportunity.

INC: Investors Need Cash.

LTD: Limo To Debt. A luxury car manufactured by FORD (Fix Or Recall Daily).

GM: Gradual Misery.

PG&E: Pure Greed & Exit.

IBM: I've Been Moody.

ATT: Atomized To Telebabies.

MS: See ATT.

NYUK: Not Your Usual Kackle. (Said three times in a row.)

ALAN (Greenspan): Ambivalence Lends Anxiety Nationwide.

UN: Unlikely Notions.

CFO: Can't Find Overruns.

DOT-COM: Dang, Orphan Time. Career Opportunist on Market.

RSVP: Reassigned. Send Vintage Pinot.

BYOB: Bad Year. Out of Booze.

NIMBY: No, I Mean Bleep You.

TV: Terrible Violence.

T&A: Titilliate & Assail.

CSPAN: Congress Snoozes Peacefully At Naptime.

CNN: Controlled News Narcotic.

ESPN: Exceedingly Stupid Playoff Nattering.

AM: Airheads Muttering.

FM: Foghat Mucho.

MSG: Might Sneeze Gallons.

FDIC: Funds? Duck Into Casinos.

OSHA: Ouch, Sure Hurts. Actionable.

USDA: Unsick Steers. Deny Anxiety.

USFS: Un-Safe Fire-Starters.

IRS: Intentionally Relaxed Stance.

INS: Inciting Neighbors to Sneak.

FAA: Forget About Arrival.

CTS: Can't Type. Suing.

DOS: Dummies' Option -- Suicide.

SPAM: Sex Pitches And Misrepresentations.

BTW: Bored To Writhing.

IMHO: I May Have to Orate.

LOL: Losing Our Lunches.

ALT: Alas, Locked Terminal.

DEL: Despair, Entry Lost.

ESC: End Silly Column.