Cutting-edge TV

Now, just in time for summer, comes the latest hot new TV destination aimed at sluicing advertising dollars toward an increasingly narrow market share.

That's right, folks, the same people who brought you the 24-hour Shark Channel and the Poetry Channel and the Expensive-Mansions-You-Could-Never-Afford Channel now present the cable network for Everyman: YW, the Yardwork Channel.

Cable viewers tune in to YW for how-to shows and infomercials and "news" programs that feature the latest cutting-edge technology in lawn mowers and power pruners.

YW's programming is targeted toward middle-class homeowners who have their own dreams of someday redoing their home landscapes -- homeowners just like you. And most of our shows include segments featuring actual work being demonstrated. Shoveling and weeding and mowing and lawn-sprinkler repair, all done before your very eyes.

But wait, you say, could it really be that interesting to watch somebody mow a lawn? Won't YW be boring?

To which we say: Haven't you ever seen the Nielsens for golf on TV? Haha, a little cable humor there. But seriously, you'll quickly find that you love our programs. Watching YW, you get the vicarious thrill of home improvement without actually getting up off the couch.

At the Yardwork Channel, we don't talk about recipes or redecorating or hoity-toity crafts projects accomplished with a hot-glue gun. We feature the most difficult home-improvement jobs of all -- the ones out in the yard.

We found these programs were particularly satisfying among our test audiences. Test results show that male viewers will spend hours in front of yardwork programs, particularly if power tools or heavy machinery present an element of danger. Many viewers find it more thrilling to watch an amateur operate a backhoe, for instance, than to view more established programming, such as professional wrestling.

Most of all, our research shows, viewers prefer yardwork programs that show lots of grueling physical labor. And we give you that at YW, around the clock.

Take a look at a sampling of our outstanding programs:

"This Old Yard"

Our flagship show, in which celebrity do-it-yourselfer Bob Vila branches out by going outdoors. Each week, Bob and his crew help some lawn-hungry family redo an entire property. Bob performs this feat of landscape makeover without ever losing the crease in his khakis. 7 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

"Ditch"

Each week, Mortimer Haskins and his imported team of highly skilled laborers dig a trench across some willing homeowner's property. Close-up camera work keeps this entry exciting; you can practically smell the sweat. 7:30 p.m. Mondays.

"A Man, a Woman, a Yard"

This reality program takes us inside the Beequish household as newlyweds Melvin and Hannah Beequish of Hardpack, Ill., decide to landscape the yard of their new home. The young lovers encounter numerous obstacles -- bank snafus, lazy contractors, dandelions. In the exciting climax, their marriage is pushed to the brink by an argument over a privet hedge. 9 p.m. Fridays.

"The Scourge of Spurge"

Host Elwood Hammermacherschaefer takes us inside the dark, steamy world of those insidious villains -- weeds -- and gives us the latest updates in the war on this vile enemy. 11 p.m. nightly.

"Property Line Court"

Tough-as-nails judge Winifred Shucker wields her gavel with the full weight of the law as feuding neighbors bring her their disputes over overhanging tree branches and cracked patios. Daily at 3 p.m. and 5 p.m.

"Bay Leaf"

Voluptuous, sweaty, scantily clad lifeguards grow their own herbs. Daily at 10 a.m., 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m., 10 p.m. and midnight.

And that's just a sampling. The Yardwork Channel also offers such exciting shows as: "Raking Techniques," "The Doug Gilstrap Story: I Dug My Own Swimming Pool by Hand," "Lawn Vs. Dog," "Bug Zapper II: Return of the Blue Light," "Post Holes," and "Blood Work: Beer and Flagstones."

Call your local cable provider today and tell them you want the Yardwork Channel! Soon, you'll be in front of the set with a beer, tuned to YW, watching some poor slob breaking up concrete with a pickaxe.

Remember our motto here at YW: The only thing more personally rewarding than grueling physical labor is watching somebody else do it.