2.13.2009

Just the FAQs

Need help? Perhaps the information you seek is in the Frequently Asked Questions below:

Question: How widespread is the term FAQ?
Answer: FAQs are everywhere these days. A Google search for “FAQ” found more than 1.2 BILLION “hits.” Apparently, we’re an inquisitive bunch.

Q: What’s a “hit?”
A: It’s an Internet reference located by a search engine. Also, a Mob killing.

Q: What’s a “search engine?”
A: A method for making jillions of dollars.

Q: What is the “technical services department?”
A: Tech services is the place you call when you want to listen to Muzak for hours.

Q: Do actual humans work there?
A: No.

Q: Those “function keys” across the top of my keyboard -- F1, F2, F3, etc. -- what are they for?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: Then why do we still have them on keyboards?
A: Nobody knows that, either.

Q: What should I do if my computer gives me an “error message?”
A: Run screaming from the room.

Q: Will that help?
A: Couldn’t hurt. At least it will distract you from the misery to come.

Q: What’s a “nanosecond?”
A: The amount of time that passes between an awful song coming on the car radio and your finger hitting the button to escape it.

Q: Can the awful song stick your head in that brief nanosecond?
A: Every time.

Q: Can I put you on hold?
A: Sure, as long as you don’t expect me to be here when you get back.

Q: Would you like to order now?
A: No, I come to fast food joints for the cheerful d├ęcor.

Q: Do you want fries with that?
A: Nicely said. You must be a theater major.

Q: Do these pants make my butt look big?
A: Only when you wear them. The rest of the time, your butt manages all by itself.

Q: Are you asleep?
A: Not anymore.

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Light rays scatter off molecules in the Earth’s atmosphere, and this scattering is more effective at short wavelengths -- the blue end of the visible spectrum. Also, blue is God’s favorite color.

Q: Why is grass green?
A: Envy.

Q: How many roads must a man walk down, before we call him a man?
A: Four.

Q: Are all parents arbitrary and capricious?
A: Yes.

Q: Why?
A: Because I said so.

Q: Can one answer a question with a question?
A: Why not?

Q: Why don’t we ever talk anymore?
A: Can this wait until halftime?

Q: Red or white?
A: Make it a beer.

Q: Who do you think you are?
A: Zorro.

Q: What’s so funny?
A: An auctioneer with the hiccups.

Q: If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
A: Easy for you to say.

Q: Can’t we all just get along?
A: Bite me.

Q: What’s that smell?
A: Your upper lip.

Q: What time is it?
A: Time for you to stop asking questions.

Q: Are you always such a smart-aleck, Mr. FAQ Man?
A: Not always. But frequently.

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