Just the FAQs

Need help? Perhaps the information you seek is in the Frequently Asked Questions below:

Question: How widespread is the term FAQ?
Answer: FAQs are everywhere these days. A Google search for “FAQ” found more than 1.2 BILLION “hits.” Apparently, we’re an inquisitive bunch.

Q: What’s a “hit?”
A: It’s an Internet reference located by a search engine. Also, a Mob killing.

Q: What’s a “search engine?”
A: A method for making jillions of dollars.

Q: What is the “technical services department?”
A: Tech services is the place you call when you want to listen to Muzak for hours.

Q: Do actual humans work there?
A: No.

Q: Those “function keys” across the top of my keyboard -- F1, F2, F3, etc. -- what are they for?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: Then why do we still have them on keyboards?
A: Nobody knows that, either.

Q: What should I do if my computer gives me an “error message?”
A: Run screaming from the room.

Q: Will that help?
A: Couldn’t hurt. At least it will distract you from the misery to come.

Q: What’s a “nanosecond?”
A: The amount of time that passes between an awful song coming on the car radio and your finger hitting the button to escape it.

Q: Can the awful song stick your head in that brief nanosecond?
A: Every time.

Q: Can I put you on hold?
A: Sure, as long as you don’t expect me to be here when you get back.

Q: Would you like to order now?
A: No, I come to fast food joints for the cheerful décor.

Q: Do you want fries with that?
A: Nicely said. You must be a theater major.

Q: Do these pants make my butt look big?
A: Only when you wear them. The rest of the time, your butt manages all by itself.

Q: Are you asleep?
A: Not anymore.

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Light rays scatter off molecules in the Earth’s atmosphere, and this scattering is more effective at short wavelengths -- the blue end of the visible spectrum. Also, blue is God’s favorite color.

Q: Why is grass green?
A: Envy.

Q: How many roads must a man walk down, before we call him a man?
A: Four.

Q: Are all parents arbitrary and capricious?
A: Yes.

Q: Why?
A: Because I said so.

Q: Can one answer a question with a question?
A: Why not?

Q: Why don’t we ever talk anymore?
A: Can this wait until halftime?

Q: Red or white?
A: Make it a beer.

Q: Who do you think you are?
A: Zorro.

Q: What’s so funny?
A: An auctioneer with the hiccups.

Q: If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
A: Easy for you to say.

Q: Can’t we all just get along?
A: Bite me.

Q: What’s that smell?
A: Your upper lip.

Q: What time is it?
A: Time for you to stop asking questions.

Q: Are you always such a smart-aleck, Mr. FAQ Man?
A: Not always. But frequently.

Make Your Acronyms Simplify Situations (MYASS)

From ASAP to TGIF, acronyms infiltrate every aspect of corporate life, providing a handy shorthand for those who are ITK (In The Know).

Acronym use exploded as computerspeak began to crop up in everyday conversation. When you hear people say LOL (Laughing Out Loud) rather than actually, well, laughing out loud, then you know the Era of Acronyms has reached its peak.

How long before we incorporate acronyms into our speech at home? Lord knows we could use some kind of shorthand when it comes to conversing with our children.

Wouldn't it save a lot of breath if a parent could just yell GOAP (Go Outside And Play) rather than spelling it out 27 times a day? The same goes for CUBY (Clean Up Behind Yourselves) and -- my personal favorite -- DILLYM (Do I Look Like Your Maid?).

Acronyms save steps. Instead of racing to referee every spat, parents could simply yell code words: WHIT (What's Happening In There?) and WICAW (Who Is Crying And Why?). KAMU (Kiss And Make Up) works on small children. For teens, you might need DYMMCAP (Don't You Make Me Call A Policeman).

Parents can use acronyms to signal their moods and needs to the children. They can tell the kids to GAB (Gimme A Break) or even GAINT (Go Away; I Need to Think). When it's really tense, parents can warn that they're close to SMOHO (Snatching My Own Hair Out).

When a kid complains there's NOTV (Nothing On Television), parents should respond with RABYD (Read A Book, You Dolt).

At our house, my two sons regularly pray for relief from the GODS (Grumpy Ole Dad Syndrome). They know that when it's been a DADAW (Darned Awful Day At Work), they should RAH (Run And Hide).

When parents desire privacy, they can tell the kids to LTD (Lock The Door) because MADNAM (Mom And Dad Need A Moment).

Every afternoon, housebound parents could make use of ACHOO (All Children Hush; Oprah's On).

Kitchen bulletin boards could use acronyms to communicate housekeeping messages to the whole family. Some examples:

--LUWD (Laundry Undone; Wear Dirty)
--WITMASO (Why Is The Milk Always Sitting Out?)
--TOC/FOYO (Tired Of Cooking/Forage On Your Own)
--OBIP (Oh Boy, It's Payday)
--LEO (Let's Eat Out)

Acronyms are perfect for everyday frustrations.

SACCK (Spilled Another Coffee; Computer Kaput) says it all, doesn't it? When things go really wrong, try ICTOW (Infuriating Computer Thrown Out Window).

NAPPP (Not Another Pesky Plumbing Problem) is naturally followed by PYECHART (Plug Your Ears, Children, or Hear An R-rated Tirade).

BID (Bike In Driveway) serves as a warning. When it's already too late, try ROBS (Ran Over Bike. Sorry).

Greet bill collectors with NOTATA (Not At This Address; Try Argentina). Eviction notices could be shortened to four letters: PROM (Pay Rent Or Move).

Lazy neighbors get this note: FYLOFLA (Fix Your Lawn Or Face Legal Action). And put this one under a windshield wiper -- TOOPSI (Take Only One Parking Space, Idiot).

Acronyms are especially useful when discussing finances. For example, kids apparently think MOM means Made Of Money. And DAD stands for Debts Accruing Daily. But did you know MONEY means More Overtime Necessary Every Year? Financial troubles might make you WOMEN (Worry Over Money Every Night) or even desperate enough to JOB (Jump Off Bridge), but take heart: ICACMO (It's Cheaper After Children Move Out).

Well, I'm OOS (Out Of Space), which means I get to retire to the sofa now for some TV.

ACHOO.

More acronyms? WTF?

We who work at home can become distanced from the rhetoric of business, the everyday shorthand that infects most offices.

At-home workers who fail to recognize the hot terms or sprinkle them into office communications will be marked as incompetent outsiders, employees who are OOTL, or "Out Of The Loop."

I use that real-life business expression to demonstrate the most important part of speech in the corporate world -- the acronym.

Yes, acronyms are all the rage. From NIMBY to BYOB, and all points in between, acronyms adorn the conversations of those who are ITK, or "In The Know." Newspaper financial pages are more elaborate and detailed than ever before, and they're chock-full of acronyms. Everybody's paying attention to the economy because we all invested our retirement funds in IPOs, or "Idiots Purchasing Obsolescence."

CEOs ("Can't Explain Overruns") want employees and freelancers who know the lingo. If you want to stay current in your field or, more importantly, want to keep working at home, you must prove you know your ASAP from a hole in the ground.

But, you whine, how can I find time to learn all my acronyms? I'm too busy doing actual work to waste hours cramming my head full of alphabet soup.

Fear not. The Home Front is here to serve. What follows is a dictionary of acronyms, carefully gleaned from e-mail, business correspondence, financial magazines, newspapers and various other documents found here on my desk. You may have seen such lists before, but we can all use a refresher. Current jargon is always changing, and sometimes acronyms have come to mean something new. You want to be up to date.

ASAP: Act Stupid And Procrastinate.

SASE: Scan and Snub Expeditiously.

FAX: Fetch And Xerox.

TELEX: Troglodytes Employing Lost Era's Xerox.

HWHAP: Houston, We Have A Problem.

NASA: No Assigned Space for Amateurs.

NYSE: New York. Suckers Enticed.

S&P: Staggered & Poorer.

NASDAQ: Need A Second DAiQuiri.

DOW: Death Out Window.

WTC: Whew, Trouble Coming.

SBA: Sorry, Bub. Attrition.

GNP: Gosh, No Payroll.

MBO: Mumbling 'Bout Opportunity.

INC: Investors Need Cash.

LTD: Limo To Debt. A luxury car manufactured by FORD (Fix Or Recall Daily).

GM: Gradual Misery.

PG&E: Pure Greed & Exit.

IBM: I've Been Moody.

ATT: Atomized To Telebabies.

MS: See ATT.

NYUK: Not Your Usual Kackle. (Said three times in a row.)

ALAN (Greenspan): Ambivalence Lends Anxiety Nationwide.

UN: Unlikely Notions.

CFO: Can't Find Overruns.

DOT-COM: Dang, Orphan Time. Career Opportunist on Market.

RSVP: Reassigned. Send Vintage Pinot.

BYOB: Bad Year. Out of Booze.

NIMBY: No, I Mean Bleep You.

TV: Terrible Violence.

T&A: Titilliate & Assail.

CSPAN: Congress Snoozes Peacefully At Naptime.

CNN: Controlled News Narcotic.

ESPN: Exceedingly Stupid Playoff Nattering.

AM: Airheads Muttering.

FM: Foghat Mucho.

MSG: Might Sneeze Gallons.

FDIC: Funds? Duck Into Casinos.

OSHA: Ouch, Sure Hurts. Actionable.

USDA: Unsick Steers. Deny Anxiety.

USFS: Un-Safe Fire-Starters.

IRS: Intentionally Relaxed Stance.

INS: Inciting Neighbors to Sneak.

FAA: Forget About Arrival.

CTS: Can't Type. Suing.

DOS: Dummies' Option -- Suicide.

SPAM: Sex Pitches And Misrepresentations.

BTW: Bored To Writhing.

IMHO: I May Have to Orate.

LOL: Losing Our Lunches.

ALT: Alas, Locked Terminal.

DEL: Despair, Entry Lost.

ESC: End Silly Column.