New "Rules" for the New Year

I'm pleased to announce a second edition of my 1000 Rules for Successful Living, now available via Kindle and Smashwords.

To start the new year off right, I revamped the e-book to include some of the more recent entries in my long-running list of twisted adages and fractured advice. The new edition is truly a "best of" list, including such gems as:

It takes two to tango, but you can pirouette all by yourself.

Many a man's nose has been broken by his own middle finger.

When in the company of well-diggers, don't get them started on how cold it is.

It takes a lot of balls to overdecorate a Christmas tree.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man should not run with scissors.

If you enjoy my "Rules," please consider the e-book. It's only $2.99. Thanks!

Huge humor collection debuts

My latest e-book -- "1000 Rules for Successful Living" -- debuts today on Kindle and Smashwords. Only $2.99.

A thousand sounds like a lot, and it is (about 66 pages' worth of one-liners and twisted adages), but they accumulated so gradually, I'm as surprised as the rest of you. I didn't set out to write a huge number of Rules for Successful Living. It was something I started on Facebook to entertain my friends, a few little rules that were so obvious ("Don't fall on your mouth") that they were funny.

People responded to the deadpan tone, so I wrote some more. Each morning, over coffee, I'd come up with another one and post it on Facebook. Sometimes, other Rules would come to me during the day and I'd post those, too. Pretty soon, I had hundreds of Rules and no place to put them, so I started publishing collections on Kindle. And the rest, as they say, is hysteria.

A few of my favorites:

A watched pot never boils, and a boiled watch isn't much good, either.

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a thumb.

It takes two to tango, but you can pirouette all by yourself.

Treat yourself to some laughs. Get "1000 Rules for Successful Living" today. And please tell all your friends.

Opening lines with bite

Never argue with a man whose tattoos outnumber his teeth.

One of my Rules for Successful Living, and also the opening line of my new crime novel, CALABAMA. Eric Newlin, the slacker protagonist, has many such rules for surviving life among the hippies and hillbillies of far Northern California, and they're sprinkled throughout. In the course of CALABAMA, Eric manages to break every rule.

CALABAMA debuts June 15 on Kindle, Smashwords and other e-book platforms. Only $2.99. Please tell all your friends.

Here are two more openers I like. From my Bubba Mabry novel DIRTY POOL: Friends come and go, but enemies are forever.

And, from BULLETS: Some people are ridiculously easy to kill.

Got favorites?

Not drowning. Waving . . .

Toughest part of the e-book publishing boom is getting the word out about new or re-released books. Hard to get people pay attention to one drop of water in a tsunami. Authors are forced to flog our work on our blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon's Author Central and a zillion other sites, and we never can do enough.

Some authors are banding together to form their own e-book publishing/marketing groups. Others are allying with existing e-book publishers or magazines. And some are doing it ourselves and hoping for the best.

My story is a mix of the above. Some of my books are offered through other publishers and others (mostly the humor stuff) I publish on my own. The results have been mixed, but I try to look at the long term. Once an e-book is available, it's available forever and some trickle of income will be coming my way.

My newest Kindle publication is "600 Rules for Successful Living," a compilation of Volumes 1-6 of my goofy self-help rules. These twisted adages and worthless bits of advice have developed a following on Facebook, and now they're available at Amazon.com for $4.99. What a bargain!

Also out recently is "Baby Face," second in the Bubba Mabry private eye series. This one was re-issued by the folks at Suspense Magazine. Check out their website to see the cool ad they made for "Baby Face."

Finally, I'd like to mention "Firepower," the only novel I've published straight-to-Kindle (so far). "Firepower" is an action-filled story about a hitman who tries to save an inventor from Big Oil. It fell through the cracks when I changed agents/publishers, so I put it out there myself, and it's received a great response. Five-star reviews, etc.

Thanks for listening to my tiny splash in the e-book ocean.

The empire grows

Parnell Hall may be King of the Kindle, but I'm well on my way to becoming Emperor of E-books with the release of five volumes of my goofy "Rules for Successful Living." Granted, each volume is only 100 "Rules" long (about seven pages' worth), but in the crazy new world of e-publishing, that's enough to qualify as a 99-cent "book."

I started "Rules for Successful Living" on Facebook as a gag. Seemingly obvious advice ("Don't fall on your mouth") offered in an earnest self-help tone. People responded to them, so I kept writing them. Pretty soon, it became a habit to post one or two (increasingly twisted) Rules a day. Do that for a year or two, and you end up with a whole bunch of ridiculous rules for living.

Five of my novels and my humor book Trophy Husband already are available as e-books, and they're selling pretty well, so I decided to offer the best of my "Rules for Successful Living" on Kindle, too. Click here to see all my Kindle books.

Amazon makes it easy to send Kindle books as gifts to anyone with an e-mail address. At 99 cents, "100 Rules for Successful Living" would make a nice electronic stocking stuffer.

Hey, that's less than a penny per Rule! Where else can you get so much bad advice so cheap?

Uncle Stevie's Rules for Writing

I'm giving the keynote speech at the Resolutions for Writers Seminar in Anderson, CA, today, and as part of that I'm telling some of the rules for writing that I've learned over the past 35 years.

Yes, I'm once again riding the coattails of Elmore Leonard, whose "rules" you can see at www.elmoreleonard.com. Mine are in addition to his, though there is some overlap, of course. Mostly, it's easier to put the rules here on my blog than it is to screw around with handouts at the conference.

Nothing really new here, but some good reminders:

--Write in scenes, and omit the stuff in between them.
--All drama (and comedy and romance) is conflict.
--Show, don't tell.
--Within scenes and within the overall story timeline: Come in late and get out early.
--Readers love dialogue. Use it lots, but keep it tight.
--Use the five senses and the "five W's and H" in your descriptive writing. Focus on the Telling Detail.
--Don't use two adjectives when one will do.
--Beware the adverb.
--Learn proper punctuation and use it. You're not Cormac McCarthy.
--Don't make the reader figure it out. Make it clear.
--Spend at least as much time on rewrites and polishing as on the first draft.
--Learn your craft and work hard.

If you'd like to hear the speech that goes with that (or any of my other talks), I'm available at reasonable rates for seminars, mystery conferences and bar mitzvahs.

Feel free to add your own rules for writing in the comments.

Murphy's Law #413

No matter how many ballpoint pens there are to choose from, the first one you pick up will have no ink. Every time.

Things I used to do

This time of year, many folks feel bad because they're "falling off the wagon" of their New Year's resolutions.

They pledged to swear off certain vices, but soon found temptation too strong. Or, they promised themselves they'd attain certain goals, such as daily exercise, only to find that televised playoffs restricted them to the sofa.

Here's the problem: They set their sights too high. It's better to set realistic goals. Swear off things you don't really like anyway. Or, vow to establish a habit you already have.

Remember when President George Bush the First announced he would no longer eat broccoli? He didn't like it, and no one could make him eat it. There followed a huge uproar, mostly from dietitians and broccoli farmers, who said no one should rule out a healthy vegetable just because he didn't like the taste.

That argument is a load of, well, steamed broccoli. Why else would you rule out eating something, if not for taste? We eat certain foods because we like them and for no other reason -- certainly not because they're healthy, and I'm thinking here of bacon cheeseburgers. We absolutely should be allowed to ban particular foods from our diets because they taste and/or smell bad.

As I've gotten older, I've followed the former president's example, and now have an entire list of foods I've sworn off. I happen to like broccoli, and I'll even eat cauliflower in small doses, but if you're serving snails, liver, rhubarb, beets, mussels or tripe, please cross me off your guest list.

My sworn-off list isn't limited to food. I've reached the advanced age where I consider many other behaviors too risky, disgusting or annoying to pursue.

For example, I refuse to participate in any activity that requires me to attach objects to my feet. (Other than shoes, and I'm not crazy about shoes.) Skis, skates, snowboards, skateboards, surfboards, snowshoes -- all of those are out. I can hurt myself just trying to walk around in a normal fashion. I don't need the added risk of strapping wheels or six-foot-long slats of wood to my feet.

The same goes for bicycles. Yes, yes, cycling is a very healthy activity. Until you go flying over the handlebars. Or get mowed down by a truck. I'd rather be the one driving the truck. Just in case.

I swore off neckties 11 years ago after quitting a regular job at a newspaper -- the Daily Noose. Once in a while, some occasion arises where I'm supposed to dress up, but I'm never tempted to break my necktie rule. That's why God created black turtlenecks.

The list of Things I Don't Do Anymore remains fluid, depending on my age and changing tastes. A recent addition is TV shows with annoying laugh tracks. I just can't stand them. If my sons are watching "That 70's Show," I have to go to a different room.

However, my long-time ban on dancing apparently has been lifted. My wife and I and several glasses of wine danced the night away at a holiday party a few years ago. So dancing's no longer on the sworn-off list, though I'm still no good at it. I'm a large, clumsy man, and I always felt people on the dance floor were staring at me. Now I know they were just frightened. Turns out they learn quickly to get out of my way.

So, dancing's no longer a forbidden activity. As long as there's nothing more challenging than shoes on my feet.

Roller disco remains out.

Spy vs. kids

If you're a fan of Cold War spy novels, then you've undoubtedly heard of The Moscow Rules, the code Western spies followed when operating behind the Iron Curtain.

During a recent business trip to Washington, D.C., my wife squeezed in a visit to the International Spy Museum (www.spymuseum.org), which she pronounced "extremely cool."

One of the trinkets she brought home from the museum gift shop was a postcard that lists The Moscow Rules.

I've kept the card on my desk, right where I can see it when I'm staring into space, and have decided The Moscow Rules remain pretty apt in our paranoid age. In particular, they work as good rules for parenting.

If you've got children, especially teens, then you know all about the Cold War on the home front. Here's how The Moscow Rules apply:

Assume nothing.
Nothing confounds assumptions like children. Just when you think you've got them figured out, they'll say or do something spectacularly strange or unexpected. It's their job.

Never go against your gut.
Instincts are all we parents have. You can read all the parenting manuals in the world, but nothing truly prepares you for the day-to-day toil, strife and decision-making of having children. Only your "gut" will tell you how to behave. As you get older, your gut likely will grow larger and get a deeper voice.

Everyone is potentially under opposition control.
In the case of children, read "opposition" as "those kids deemed to be 'bad influences.'" No matter how good a parent you are, your kid's peers will exert a stronger influence than you ever can. And that, my friends, is where belly-button piercings come from.

Don't look back; you are never completely alone.
Don't believe it? Try to have an intimate moment with your spouse anytime the children are awake.

Go with the flow, blend in.
A parent puttering in the background is more likely to overhear the truth than one who's hovering over the children, interfering in their interactions. But can you handle the truth?

Vary your pattern and stay within your cover.
Act like a parent, sticking to the "cover story" that you're a responsible adult. But toss out a little surprise once in a while to keep the kids on their toes. Something like, "Coldplay's okay, but I prefer the Foo Fighters."

Lull them into a sense of complacency.
Let them believe you'll put up with all the sass and abuse they can dish out. Right up to the moment you slip into their room at 3 a.m. with a bucket of ice water.

Don't harass the opposition.
Add to that statement "without due cause." Sometimes a little harassment's just what the doctor ordered, and somebody's got to do it. Who better than you, the parent? (You can't obey all the rules. Signs always say "Don't feed the chimps," but you know somebody's slipping them snacks. Is being a parent that different from being a zookeeper?)

Pick the time and place for action.
Let the kids get away with a few minor infractions here and there, but keep a mental inventory. When the time comes to drop the hammer, you'll want a full toolbox.

Keep your options open.
When situations get too dicey for spies, they slip across the nearest international border to escape. That can work for parents, too. But remember: Don't leave a forwarding address. The kids will track you down. And they'll demand back pay on their allowance.

Non, nein, nyet

I'm sick of hearing "no" all the time, and I'm the one who keeps saying it.

"No" has fallen from my lips so often, the floor seems littered with the word. Every few minutes, a child pops up in my field of vision and asks for something. I say, "No." The child insists. I say "no" until he goes away. A few minutes later, he's back with a new topic and we do it all over again.

My two sons are flaming optimists. No matter how many times I say, "No, you can't jump on the bed," they keep asking, hoping to catch me in a weak moment. Maybe this time, they'll persuade me their future Olympic gymnastics careers require them to do backflips on my bed. You never know. Ask.

We parents bring this on ourselves because we set the rules. We spell out specific parameters of expected behavior and make it clear the kids must ask permission before crossing those lines. Since it's children's Darwinian duty to push the boundaries at all times, they must ask permission for everything short of breathing.

At our house, the boys are supposed to ask first before they watch TV, use my computer, get online, eat sweets, drink my Cokes, roam the neighborhood, set fires, etc. Naturally, these are the only activities they ever want to do, so they're constantly up in my face, asking.

Plus, my boys have slipped into a strange acquisitive phase. I don't know if it's because they're watching more TV commercials or because their grandparents recently showered them with gifts, but something has set my sons on a shopping frenzy. Every toy, candy, movie, computer game, electronic gizmo and expensive vacation available in the Free World has been requested and/or demanded. If they're not asking me to buy it, they're asking me to take them to the mall so they can waste their own money.

And I keep saying "no."

It's not like we deny them much. Our kids have so much stuff, you can barely walk through their rooms. A million toys, but they don't want to play with any of them. They only want new toys, which they'll enjoy for three days before tossing them into the midden. Their lives brim with activities, but they can always think of other things to request.

My 12-year-old understands that he and his brother are driving me crazy. He thinks it's funny.
He's started getting cute with it:

Son: "Dad, can we take drugs and go around vandalizing houses?"

Dad (wearily): "No."

Son (trying not to grin): "You never let us have any fun."

Sometimes, under this constant barrage, I say "yes" to something, just to throw them off. Or because I'm too dog-gone weary to put up a fight.

But giving in doesn't earn me a reprieve. They've barely finished savoring the "yes" before they're coming up with something new that will earn them a "no." They're like those lab rats who randomly get food when they press a button in their cages. The treats only come once in a while, but they keep madly pushing that danged button, their hopes high.

When I hold my ground, when my "no" is firm, the boys try to get the decision overturned by appealing to a higher court -- their mother. Sometimes this works, especially if I'm not around to defend myself.

Mom and I have developed an entire nonverbal language -- shrugs, eyebrow arches, questioning squints, subtle hand gestures -- to deal with those moments when she says "yes" and I say "no." We want to create the illusion of a united front, but it probably looks like we're telling each other to steal third base.

The boys sense these moments the way horses sense fear. The tiniest conflict in parental inclination is a chink in the armor. No matter the outcome, this issue will be raised again.

And I'll probably say, "no."