Do-it-yourself holiday letter

Everyone loves to send cheery annual letters chock-full of family news, but who has time to write one?

Most of us don't have a minute to READ the letters we get (especially the really long ones in a tiny, festive typeface), much less an hour to compose our own. We're too danged busy, talking on the cell phone and driving, to write a letter.

It's not too late. Here's a form letter you can use to update friends and relatives on your family life. Fill in the appropriate names or words where it says (blank), and you can be clogging mailboxes in no time!

Dear (Blank),

Can you believe another year has gone by already? Wow. Seems like only yesterday that we were (blanking) in the (blank) together and now it's (insert correct year here).

It's been an eventful year for the (Blank) family. We had our ups and downs, like all families do, but we've come away stronger and better and closer than ever before. Most of us had a year full of joy and achievement, but there are always a few bad apples who drag down the curve, and, yes, I'm talking about you, (Blank).

But let's not go there! Ha-ha.

We're just happy to have survived another year, without the kind of natural disasters that struck this year in (Blank). We can all be thankful that we live in an area that's not prone to (blank).

The big success story of the year was (Blank), who started his own import/export business, selling (blank) to the (Blanks). Cars are lined up outside his house, night and day, full of customers. We are so proud.

Another high point was when (Blank) finally (blanked) college. What a (blank)!
Let us also brag about (Blank), who is now a fully licensed (blank)!

And of course there's young (Blank), who came in second in the (blanks). Hooray! Better luck next year!

The tragedy? Probably the lowest point was when we lost our beloved (blank or Blank). You don't bounce back from a (blankety-blank) like that. But we're slowly recovering, and we hate to complain.

After all, we've got our health. Well, most of us do. Aunt (Blank) had her (blank) removed, and that was a trial. You know how she can be, bless her heart. Cousin (Blank) hasn't been the same since the shark attack. He can walk OK, but he's kinda flinchy. Granddad had that scare with (blank), but he seems better now, if a little scattered. We found him the other day, wading in a ditch and talking to (Blank), who's been dead for years.

A few (Blanks) had trouble with the law this year, but it's all getting sorted out. Cousin (Blank) paid his debt to society, and is currently getting his mail at (Blank's) house, where he's sleeping on the couch. Uncle (Blank) got accused of (blank), as you probably read in the newspapers, but he assures us it was a big (blank) and his lawyer is on it. And your cousin never, ever had anything to do with (blanks). Trust me on that.

Uncle (Blank) finally stopped drinking and smoking and chasing women. The funeral is scheduled for next week.

On a brighter note, we welcomed little (Blank) into the family this year. The cutest little (blank) you've ever seen. The newborns give us reason to (blank).

Hope you and yours are healthy and happy and rolling in (blank)!

Until next year,

(Your name here)

Interruption eruption

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled Internet browsing to bring you this important message about interruptions.

We’re interrupted all the time, aren’t we? In the name of multi-tasking and efficiency, we try to do too much in too little time and--

Sorry, I had to take that call.

Recent studies have found that modern communication technology adds to the stress of daily living. Because we can be plugged in all the time, we feel that we must keep up. So we check our e-mail every few minutes and send text messages while we’re eating and answer calls in the middle of the night--

OK, I’m back. Sorry about that. News from the stock market. Had to do some deep breathing exercises.

Constant contact should make us more productive, but a recent study found that we’re actually less productive because we’re interrupted so much.

Researchers found that people work faster when they’re often interrupted, but they produce less, said study co-author Gloria Mark, a professor at the University of California-Irvine.
The study found that only 20 minutes of interrupted work resulted in higher stress and frustration. Worse yet, the study found that people were as likely to interrupt themselves as they were to be interrupted by others.

Mark told The New York Times that observers found that “after every 12 minutes or so, for no apparent reason, someone working on a document will turn and call someone or e-mail.”

She said more research needs to be done to learn why people work in this pattern, but it might have something to do with increasingly short attention spans.

Wait. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Attention spans. Whatever.

Because of frequent interruption, self-inflicted or otherwise, Mark said, workers don’t spend time thinking in-depth about, um, their, uh, work.

OK, back again. I had to go play a game of pinball with my computer. Sometimes, I need to blow off a little steam, you know? Too much stress from interruptions. I’m sure that interjecting some fun makes me a more productive worker in the long run.

Except now I don’t remember where I was. I had something I wanted to say--

Hey, new e-mail! Just some spam and a joke (that old favorite about the proctologist and the llama), but I like to keep my inbox emptied out so I’m ready when important messages arrive.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Interruptions. And stress. And, and productivity. That stuff. Right.
Sorry, another call. I swear, it’s a wonder I ever get anything done. If it’s not one interruption, it’s another--

I’m back. Had to hurry to the other end of the house to see what made that funny noise. Haha, it was the icemaker. Not really a funny noise at all. Just the usual grrr-grrr ka-chunk. We sure go through a lot of ice around here. Odd, when you think about it, because I mostly drink coffee (no ice!) or diet colas that are already cold in the can, and the rest of the family--

There I go again, interrupting myself. It’s hard to stay on track when I go off in another direction every 12 minutes or so.

Anyway, to sum up, I’d like to say you can overcome this addiction to interruption. Turn off your cell phone and limit checks on your e-mail. Manage the flow of information before it manages you.

I’ll be back with more great tips, right after I take this call--

Checking the traps

I’m going to sit down at my computer and get right to work. I’ve got a lot to do and no time for lollygagging.

I’ll just check my e-mail and make sure there’s nothing urgent there, then I’m busy. Count on it.

OK, nothing in the old in-box that can’t wait. I should get off the Internet and get to work. But first I should check my blog. Maybe somebody’s made a comment. I might need to respond. Hmm. Nothing so far.

While I’m at it, I’ll check the Google Analytics and see if anyone’s reading the blog. Hmm. The numbers remain the same. I’ve got a loyal readership, but they appear to be the same handful of people, over and over. Don’t know why I bother--

Wait. Don’t get caught up in those negative thoughts. Too much work to do. Get off the Internet and--

Just a quick check of Facebook. See what all my "friends" are up to. Hmm. Not much new there. Nobody commented on my latest missive.

Oh, look. Someone e-mailed me a joke. Haha. That’s a good one.

Enough. Time to get to work.

Just one more Internet stop. I’ll see whether anyone’s bought one of my books on Amazon.com. Hmm. Those sales numbers don’t show any improvement.

Well, off to a rollicking start this morning! Lots of encouraging numbers out there. Really makes a fellow want to get busy and write something.

While I’m at Amazon, I might as well see when my latest shipment will arrive. Hmm. Looks like it’ll be a while. Amazing how you can track your shipments these days. With pinpoint accuracy, you can tell when the Postal Service has delivered your package to Guam.

What did people do before the Internet? They just sat around, wondering when their purchases would arrive. That seems better, somehow. Internet tracking takes all the suspense out of the transaction.

Remember how exciting it was, when you were a little kid, waiting for something to come in the mail? You sent in your cereal box tops to get a Magic Decoder Ring and, for the next four to six weeks, you were the first one to the mailbox every day, heart pounding, awaiting your package. Then the Magic Decoder Ring showed up, and it was cheap plastic junk and--

Whoa. Gotten way off track there. Need to focus. Lots of work to do. Right after a quick check of my e-mail.

Oh, look. There’s a news update. Better read that. Got to stay informed.

Wow, where does the time go? I swear, I go to look at one little article and, next thing you know, I’ve scanned five different newspapers and read a dozen blogs and laughed at Fark.com and consulted Wikipedia and checked my blog analytics six more times (still no readers).

Now I’m hungry. Guess I should break for lunch. But I haven’t accomplished anything. I don’t deserve to eat. I’m a goldbrick, a time-waster, a lollygagger.

True, but I’m a hungry lollygagger, so the work will have to wait. If nothing else, going to kitchen will get me away from the Internet.

Then I’ll return to my desk and buckle down and really hammer out some work. Right after I check my e-mail.

Go Google yourself

If you’re going to Google yourself, you first should make sure no one is watching.

It can be embarrassing if you’re caught running your own name through Google’s search engines. Others might think it egotistical that you keep track of how often you’re mentioned out there on the Greater Interwebs. What if the searches don’t turn up much? Worse yet, what if there are more mentions of people with the same name as you?

Such searches can feel like a measure of popularity, similar to the number of times you were pictured in your high school yearbook. A low number of search “hits” might make you feel unpopular and unloved. You might be tempted to put your name on more websites to get your numbers up, sort of like the graffiti “artists” who proclaim their existence on public buildings and railroad cars. That’s just sad.

I confess that I Google myself regularly. I have solid, business-related reasons for doing so. I’m searching for reviews of my books and I’m checking on websites where my column turns up. I’ve got this blog (which sounds like a medical condition), and I’m frequently named on other authors’ blogs. Every mention might result in more book sales, so I’ve got to keep track. Or so I tell myself.

The truth, I fear, is closer to the yearbook analogy. I’m the nerdy kids who’s flipping through pages, hoping to see himself in the Chess Club photo or in the background of crowd shots.

When I search for “Steve Brewer” on Google, it turns up more than 28,000 “hits.” It’s a more common name than I ever would’ve thought.

Probably the most famous Steve Brewer is a foul-mouthed comedian from Detroit who performs at nightclubs around the country and has appeared on Showtime. There’s also a Steve Brewer in San Diego who’s a “one-man concert band.” I hope to see him perform someday.

Other Steve Brewers include a boxer in Idaho; a minister in East Wenatchee, WA; a chef from Fort Lauderdale, FL; a biology professor at the University of Mississipppi; a high school football coach in Tennessee; a county official in North Carolina, and a state senator in Massachusetts. All of them get regular mentions on the Internet.

Steve Brewers run a landscape company in Atlanta, an engineering firm in New Hampshire, a home-building company in Alabama and an investment banking firm in Texas. I’m sure all those Steve Brewers are richer than me, but I’ve got more hits on Google.

Two different towns in Texas -- La Feria and Mexia -- have or had mayors named Steve Brewer. They pop up regularly in news stories online.

There are Steve Brewers in Great Britain who are quoted regularly in news articles: a police inspector in Stanway and (my personal favorite) a watch manager at the Dorking fire station.

I’ve never met another Steve Brewer in person, but I’ve communicated with a few by e-mail. They always respond with something like: “Oh, you’re THAT Steve Brewer. The one who’s all over the Internet.” Which tells me they’ve Googled our mutual name. I get a smug satisfaction out of knowing they must sort through all my hits to get to their own.

Not that I’m counting.

Inbox blues

What if you had a coworker who sneaked into your cubicle every time your back was turned and stacked more work on your desk?

You wouldn't stand for it, right? You'd complain to the boss, or have words with the coworker or give him a deserved thrashing.

But that very scenario happens all the time. With e-mail.

Whenever you're not looking (and sometimes right before your very eyes), e-mail slips into your computer and deposits work assignments there. There's no stopping it. There's no arguing with e-mail. You can't even beat it up.

Sure, you can turn off your e-mail, even turn off the whole computer, but many of us can't do our work without a computer. And shutting off e-mail means cutting yourself off from the world. Eventually, you're forced to turn it back on. And guess what? The work will be there waiting for you.

All this came to mind recently after I finished a big project. I was so happy to be done, I met my wife for lunch to celebrate. Finally finished! After months of daily striving. Now I could catch my breath. I could take a few days off. My time was my own. I could take a nap or read a book or go for a stroll.

I went home to my computer, eager to send an e-mail to my best friend, to crow about finishing my big project and getting some time off.

You guessed it. Waiting in my inbox were three e-mails from people who needed me to do some work or make some decisions. Right away. So much for a nap. I had another hour of work to do.

Remember the days when you could be unavailable? No e-mail, no cell phones, no laptops. You could take the weekend off, even take a vacation, and your employers wouldn't call unless there was a dire emergency. Now, the work never stops coming.

Your boss gets an idea on the golf course on Saturday, zips it to you via e-mail, and you're expected to have a full proposal ready by Monday morning. You spend a quiet evening at home with the family, but make the mistake at looking at your e-mail just before bedtime; whoops, you're working until 2 a.m.

Work delivered by e-mail is impersonal and uncaring. If your boss tries to shovel a big, steaming pile of work onto your desk in person, he might pick up some cues. He might notice that you're already overwhelmed, extremely annoyed, even homicidal. With e-mail, he can zip that work your way without worrying that you might club him with a paperweight.

Just maintaining one's inboxes presents a ton of work. Sorting out the spam and the porn and the greeting cards and the Nigerian money scams can gobble up hours every day. Hiding among all those jokes and gibberish and attachments will be more work, lying in wait, snickering.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to give my computer a good thrashing. Soon as I answer these e-mails.

Plugged

We've become a nation of nerds.

The average American now spends more time using media devices -- TV, radio, iPods, cell phones, computers -- than any other waking activity, according to a new study.

Coast to coast, we're "plugged in" to music and news and text messages and Internet shopping. We still read newspapers and books and magazines, but way too much of our time is devoted to television and our beloved electronic gizmos.

"As a society, we are consumers of media," said researcher Robert Papper of Ball State University's Center for Media Design. "The average person spends about nine hours a day using some type of media."

Papper and his cohorts spent several months shadowing 400 people in Indianapolis and Muncie, IN, where Ball State is located. The researchers recorded information every 15 seconds on what media the subjects were using. All told, they studied 5,000 hours of media use.

Here are some of their findings:

--About 30 percent of the observed waking day was spent with media as the sole activity, and 39 percent was spent with media while involved in some other activity. Only 20.8 percent of the day was spent solely on something called "work."

--In any given hour, no less than 30 percent of those studied were "engaged in some way with television, and in some hours of the day that figure rose to 70 percent."

--About 30 percent of all media time is spent using more than one medium at a time.

--Women do more media multi-tasking than men. Papper told the New York Post that men seek media contact of "short duration and instant gratification" while women are interested in "longer, more thoughtful" interaction. So, it's just like sex. Proof once again that "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Calgon."

--The average American spends four hours a day watching television and three hours a day using a computer.

As a casual observer, I would now like to say: Great Googly-moogly! Nine hours a day? We spend more time "consuming media" than we do sleeping? Are you kidding me?

Four hours a day of TV, and there's still nothing good on? Three hours a day on a computer? Does that count all the time spent waiting on reboots?

Imagine how much crap we're stuffing into our brains every day. No wonder we can't remember where we left our car keys. We're too busy processing the latest update on Britney Spears. And listening to an MP3 song we don't remember downloading. And turning away telemarketers. And waiting for the computer to finish displaying its annoying pop-up ads.

It's All Input All the Time here in America. If we're not on the phone, watching TV and surfing the 'Net, all at once, then we might miss something.

We stay indoors, filtering the wider world through a haze of electronics. When we do leave the house, we block out extraneous sounds by blasting music into our heads via "ear buds." We sort through our e-mail in coffee shops. We check our voice-mail in movie theaters. Apparently, some of us cannot drive without talking on cell phones.

Media consumption is the true "Revenge of the Nerds." The nerds didn't recruit us into their pocket-protector cult. They just designed neato gadgets, and we all willingly joined their ranks.

Brother, can you spare some wi-fi?

If you're the sort of person who checks e-mail while you're in the shower, then this column's for you.

The nation is addicted to e-mail, perusing it around the clock and sometimes in the most inappropriate places, according to a survey by Opinion Research Corp. and America Online.

(We'll pause while you mop up the beverage that you spewed when you read that America Online, one of the nation's largest providers of Internet service, is talking about e-mail "addiction." You've still got a little something on your chin. There, that's better.)

The survey of 4,012 American adults in 20 major cities found that most rarely go more than a few hours without an e-mail "fix." They spend an average of an hour a day on e-mail, and rely on it for communication as much as they do the telephone.

The average user has 2.8 e-mail accounts, the pollsters found. They did not specify how many accounts were devoted strictly to porn.

Forty-one percent of respondents check their e-mail first thing in the morning, and 40 percent have logged on in the middle of the night. Twenty-six percent say they've never gone more than two to three days without checking their e-mail, and 60 percent use e-mail while on vacation.

A whopping 61 percent confessed to checking their personal e-mail while at work. About one in 10 say they've gotten in trouble for doing so.

All these responses fit the standard symptoms of addiction: Can't leave it alone, even when it steals time away from family and responsibilities. Always thinking about it, even losing sleep over it. Can't take a vacation without having it along. Willing to risk disciplinary action at work rather than miss the latest corny joke being circulated among your friends.

The survey found that most any location is fair game for e-mail addicts. Twelve percent admitted to checking their e-mail while in class (and we wonder why our education system makes that large flushing noise) and 8 percent dip into e-mail during business meetings. Six percent check their e-mail at the beach or a pool, thereby defeating the whole reason for going to the beach or a pool.

You'd think the bathroom would be sacrosanct, but no, four percent admit to checking their e-mail there. A bathroom does seem the appropriate place to sort through "spam."

Finally, 1 percent confessed to sneaking looks at their e-mail in church. I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure those people are going to Hell.

Keeping your balls in the air

"Multitasking" has become the bane of the modern workplace--

Just a second. There's the phone.

Sorry about that. As I was saying, "multitasking" has become the bane of the modern workplace and this misguided attempt to--

The phone again. Sorry, but I'd been expecting that call.

Multitasking's a misguided attempt by managers to milk every minute of their employees' 10-hour workdays. It's not enough anymore that we do our jobs well, one task at a time. We must do several tasks at once. New research shows this isn't the best way to increase productivity. In fact, it's just the opposite--

Whoa, my e-mail's beeping. Hold on a minute.

OK, where was I? Oh, yes. A growing body of research shows that multitasking makes workers less efficient. Multitasking can actually make you dumber. Scientists say that, after a full day of stressful multitasking, it's a miracle that workers can find their cars in the parking lot to go home. Multitasking can--

Sorry, the e-mail again. This really could be important.

All right, I'm back. Of course, that wasn't important at all. Just a joke from one of my idiot friends. But it was a good one. I relayed it to a couple of other friends who enjoy that sort of thing. It's a wonder we get any work done all day--

Wait a minute. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Multitasking. A recent study published in the "Journal of Experimental Psychology" found that people who do several things at once are less efficient because they lose time mentally switching from one task to another. The time lost increases with the complexity of the tasks. Which might not be so bad if you're, say, writing something. But what if you're an air traffic controller?

Bathroom break. There, that's better.

As an air traffic controller, I find that -- no, wait, that's not right.

Oh, yeah. Another study, published in "NeuroImage" and cited in "The Wall Street Journal," found that managing two tasks at once reduces the brainpower available for either job. In the study, people were asked to listen to someone talk while comparing two "rotating objects." The researchers found that, while listening, the subject had 29 percent less capacity for processing visual input. And, while processing the visual, brain activation for listening dropped 53 percent.

Did you say something? No? What was I going on about? Oh. Right.

A survey by the Families and Work Institute found that 45 percent of U.S. workers feel they are expected to do too many tasks as once. And the researchers didn't even talk to people like me, who work at home--

Hang on. The clothes dryer's buzzing.

So, as I was saying, laundry and deskwork simply don't mix. No, that wasn't it. What the--

Multitasking! It makes you, er, you know, stupid. And less efficient. And it can make you repeat yourself. Repeat yourself!

We American workers must stand up against this misguided policy of whatchacallit. Next time your boss asks you take on too many tasks as once, suggest he take a flying leap at a rotating object.

Soon, you'll find you can concentrate on just one thing -- updating your resume.

Windshield warriors

Many people have become so attached to their cell phones, they've become like gun owners -- you'll take their phones only when you pry them from their cold, dead hands.

Which, if they're using the phone while driving, is exactly what can happen.

Numerous studies have found that talking on a cell phone while behind the wheel is such a distraction, is so debilitating to attentiveness, the motorist might as well be driving drunk. All over the country, lawmakers are drafting bans on talking-on-the-phone-while-driving in an attempt to stem the rising tide of phone-related accidents.

(California's hands-free-phoning-only law takes effect July 1.)

Imagine my surprise then when, while thumbing through a business magazine, I saw this headline: "If You're a Windshield Warrior, Here's the Technology to Make Your Car Your Desk."
What followed was an article that described such hot new gizmos as hands-free cell phones, GPS navigation systems, wireless headphones, DVD players, satellite radio subscriptions and wireless Internet access. These technological wonders are described as "very cool new tools . . . to turn the cockpit of your car into a terrific office."

This makes as much sense as saying you can turn your office into a car. Or your airplane seat into a "flotation device."

Just when you thought it couldn't get any scarier on the roadways, here comes a whole new generation of motorist distractions. It's bad enough that other drivers are weaving all over the road, yakking with their friends and eating fast food while steering with their knees. Now we've got to worry that the guy in the speeding SUV next to us is reading his e-mail? Or, mapping out his next destination on a GPS locator? Or, God help us, watching "Mad Max" on his DVD?

Call me an old fogey (you wouldn't be the first; I've got teen-agers at home), but I remember when driving was considered a matter of complete concentration. Hands on the wheel at 10 and 2 o'clock, eyes on the road, mind on full alert. When you were driving, you weren't doing anything else.

Now, drivers are doing everything else, except watching where they're going. Which leaves the rest of us terrified, clutching the wheel in a death-grip while our fellow motorists drift from lane to lane.

You'll never catch me using a cell phone while driving. One, I don't feel competent enough as a driver or a cell phone user to do both at the same time. Two, I usually forget to take the phone with me so it languishes at home while I'm chugging around in my car. Three, I don't have so many friends or so much urgent business to conduct that I need to talk and drive at the same time. Phone calls can wait. I'm busy dodging the other gabbing motorists.

I'll never, ever, get those other technological toys to use in the car. It's just too dangerous. I love e-mail as much as the next fellow, but trying to manage it while behind the wheel could give a whole new meaning to the term "computer crash." A GPS locator? I'd rather be lost. Better to pull over and use a regular old road map. Or, (insert gasp of horror from male readership here) ask someone for directions.

But if you insist on using your car for an office, I have a suggestion. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on all these gimcracks, use the money to hire a chauffeur. Then you can sit in the back seat and work all you want while a professional handles the driving.

Hire a driver who can sing, and you won't even need the radio. Just make sure the chauffeur knows to hold it down when you're on the phone.

E-diot

When marketing experts and social scientists extol the benefits of the Computer Age, there's one factor they omit. A computer -- unlike any other tool in our history -- gives one the ability, on a global scale, to look like a jackass.

Through the miracle of e-mail, we can send our mistakes to everyone we know at the speed of light. No longer are we limited to our immediate surroundings when we do something moronic. Now we can share with the world.

Since I work at home, I usually perform my feats of idiocy right here in the house and the only witnesses are 1) my immediate family members, who just roll their eyes because they're accustomed to me, or 2) the dog, who finds everything I do, no matter how ludicrous, to be fascinating, particularly if it might involve dropped food.

But my computer allows me to do something really stupid and share it with friends and business associates everywhere. No matter how much I might've impressed them as a competent human in the past, one flick of the keyboard can show them that, no, they're dealing with an idiot.

A case in point: Recently, a friend sent me a warning about a computer virus running rampant through the e-mail address books of the international computer community. Usually, I disregard such notices because I know they're often hoaxes. But this time I took it seriously. I have several mitigating excuses:

A) I was operating the computer on four hours' sleep.

B) The friend said she'd already checked out the warning and it was not a hoax.

C) My mind was busy thinking about the war in Iraq, and CNN was spewing in the background.

D) I was concerned that my friends and loved ones could fall victim to this virus.

But it all boils down to: E) I am an idiot.

So, being an idiot, I e-mailed the warning to dozens of people. Within minutes, several kindly replied with the information that the warning was indeed a hoax, and the insidious "virus" I'd urged them to delete was, in fact, an installed program that probably did something important in the computer, though nobody was sure exactly what.

Oh, the embarrassment. I sent an immediate correction and mortified apology to all the people I'd warned, then spent the next several hours hurtling around the house, doing physical gyrations as I tried to kick my own butt.

(Yes, I recognize that by writing about this incident, I'm now proving to tens of thousands of other people -- you, the readers -- that I'm an imbecile. But consider this a cautionary tale. If I can save just one of you from similar humiliation, then I'll willingly throw myself on the grenade of ignominy.)

But let's not lose sight of the point here. It's really the computer's fault, not mine. If it weren't for the computer, there would be no viruses, no warnings, no hoaxes. If I didn't have a computer, I couldn't race out onto the Information Highway and wreck my reputation.

Computers can be wonderful tools, and mine does make my job more pleasant in some ways, such as allowing me to waste hours every day playing Solitaire. But for most of the work I do, I could get by with a decent typewriter and a deck of cards.

Sure, e-mail lets me stay in contact with friends and conduct business without spending unnecessarily on postage stamps. The Internet can be a wonderful research tool, as well as a way to fritter away many hours when I could be doing something more valuable to the betterment of mankind, such as laundry.

But I may junk my computer, just to save me from myself. Better to go without e-mail and the Internet than to have -- right there on my desk -- an easy method of looking like a fool before the multitudes.

Without a computer, I could stick to being the village idiot, rather than a global one.

Scams and frauds and cons, oh my

If you believe the advertising, work-at-home opportunities are everywhere.

E-mail boxes fill up daily with "spam" ads for home-based careers. Classified ads for "business opportunities" often boast that the businesses can be run from home. Nearly every utility pole on every street, it seems, sports an ad: "Earn $100's Every Week, Working at Home!"

Many of these pitches, sad to say, are simply fraud. They prey on working parents who'd like to stay home all day with the kids, but still make something approaching an income. These scams, experts say, often require the victim to lay out hundreds, even thousands, of dollars as an "initial investment" or for "equipment costs," and then provide no way to recover that money.

Take, for example, one of the oldest swindles -- stuffing envelopes. The only way to "Earn $100's Every Week" stuffing envelopes is if you stuff them with heroin.

It's a shame that so many people fall for these con games, though it's hard to see what the victims expect from any industry where the primary form of advertising is flyers pasted on telephone poles.

However, for people who are creative and industrious, there are "legitimate" ways to make money at home. Let's look at some of these careers, and the special skills and talents they require:

--Telemarketing. Sick of sales pitches during the dinner hour? Then you should look into telemarketing. In this field, you can be the one interrupting other people's dinner! Special skill required: Access to a phone.

--E-bay and other online auction houses. You can make money by selling the junk out of your garage! Once you run out of junk, you can start "borrowing" stuff from your neighbors' garages. Removing garage clutter can be considered a public service! Special talent required: Stealth.

--Selling vitamins and other health products. Americans, particularly Baby Boomers, are obsessed with their health, so this is a hot sales arena. Special requirement for this career: A healthy glow. Customers won't trust your claims if you look sickly.

--Selling beauty products. Not for the naturally ugly. See above.

--Retirement consultant. Guide customers through the tricky thickets of the thrill-ride stock market, slumping 401(k)'s and other investments. Win or lose, you get your commission! Special talent required: Boundless optimism.

--Computer consultant. With a computer on every desk in America, this is a field that just keeps growing! Many people still are not comfortable working with computers, and you can use this discomfort by constantly warning them of viruses, worms and other electronic plagues. If that doesn't work, you can always develop a virus that only you can fix. Talk about a captive audience! Some actual computer skills required.

--Market research and political polling. See "Telemarketing" above.

--Phone sex. Fleece the twisted and lonely! Necessary talent: Must be capable of keeping boredom out of your voice as you say, "Ooh, baby, baby," 179 times a day.

--Psychic hotlines. Thousands of people pay good money every day to consult by phone with seers who can describe the future. No skills required, beyond a healthy imagination. Anyone gullible enough to trust in psychics will believe whatever you tell them.

--Writing books and articles. Forget this one. There's no money in it. Special talent required: Masochism.

--Spam-oriented businesses. Someone, somewhere, is making money from all those e-mail ads offering to refinance your mortgage, shrink/enlarge particular portions of your anatomy or show you the "hottest porn on the Internet." Why shouldn't that someone be you? Special skills: Basic computer skills and the surgical removal of your conscience.

--Brokering business opportunities. You can help others "Earn $100's Every Week" from home-based businesses. They do the work, and you make money from their "initial investments!" Special requirement: Must have a flexible schedule that allows for jail time.

E-mail stole my life

Remember when e-mail was a novelty? Something you used to send jokes to your friends? Now, e-mail has become an integral part of every business day.

That bastion of in-depth business journalism, USA Today, recently quoted researchers as saying office workers spent an average of 49 minutes a day on e-mail this year (2001), up 30 to 35 percent over a year earlier. Another research company estimates that management-level employees will spend four hours a day on e-mail by 2002.

We who work at home look at those numbers and think: What a bunch of slackers. Forty-nine minutes a day? We home-office types easily can waste 49 minutes per hour on e-mail. And that's before we've had our morning coffee.

For many of us who work on computers, e-mail is our lifeline to the world. I do nearly all my business correspondence by e-mail, and most of my interpersonal relationships are maintained at the Internet level. This means that:

A) E-mail has made my working life speedier and more efficient, and

2) I waste an enormous amount of time using it.

That may seem a paradox, but let's look at a typical home-office scenario:

I want to check my e-mail to see if there's any good news from my publisher, i.e., whether there's any chance I'll get paid soon. I nudge my computer and wait for it to wake up. Then I hit the button to sign onto America Online. Because I recently "upgraded" the AOL on my antique computer, this process now takes, oh, forever. I wander around the house while the computer grinds away.

When I come back, it's time to enter my password. More grinding. Wander around some more.
Return to desk. Little mailbox icon shows I've got mail. Oh, goody. I look through the arrivals and find that most of them are spam -- ads for get-rich-quick schemes and porn come-ons and offers to enlarge/reduce various portions of my anatomy. After those are deleted, I go through various news items and jokes and private missives, reading and deleting and forwarding and replying. Once the personal stuff is out of the way, I'm ready to peruse my important business correspondence. There is none. I sigh and log off and find that I have spent 49 minutes on-line.

I repeat the above process several times a day, usually with the same results. Hours vanish. Where did that time go? Into the ether. Is there any way to get it back? No. When I'm on my deathbed, will I say, "If only I'd spent more time on e-mail . . . " Probably.

That same USA Today article quoted unnamed "experts" as saying, "Unchecked use of e-mail can waste time and interrupt workflow." Gosh, we all hope those experts got paid tons of money to do that research. They show an innate grasp of the obvious. And there's no such word as "workflow."

The article said some companies are fighting back by discouraging e-mail use or conducting classes to teach employees to manage e-mail more efficiently. Best of luck to them, I say. Must be like telling a junkie, "Try managing your heroin more efficiently."

Surely there are ways to overcome this addictive demon in our midst. We must learn to control our unchecked use of e-mail. Here are some suggestions:

--Delete everything unread. This takes only minutes, and soon you'll find that you get much less e-mail from friends.

--To reduce the amount of stuff arriving in your mailbox, "unsubscribe" from distribution services and "remove" your address from mailing lists. Diligently report spam advertisers to your Internet server. This will take 49 minutes a day.

--Don't e-mail animated birthday greetings to all your friends and relatives. Get off your duff and go buy a bleeping card and mail it.

--Download nothing. Ever.

--Don't blindly forward every joke that comes your way. Only pass on the really good ones.

If you follow these suggestions, you can get the e-mail monkey off your back. You'll waste much less time and your "workflow" won't be interrupted and spilled all over everywhere.

You can use the hours you save being a more productive worker or pursuing a new avocation, such as chat rooms. I plan to devote mine to Free Cell.