Holy communication

Ask any marriage counselor the secret to a happy union and the answer will be "communication."

To keep relationships healthy and lively, couples simply must communicate their needs and desires. Unfortunately, many people (that is to say, "guys") aren't that good at um, you know, communicating.

The main obstacle to communication is the way the two genders think. Women can entertain many thoughts and feelings simultaneously, while men tend to be linear thinkers, considering one item at a time.

If a man asks a woman, "What are you thinking?" (it could happen!), she may answer with a convoluted string of connections and relationships, totally losing the man, who probably isn't listening anyway. When a woman asks the same of a man, truthful replies tend to consist of one word: "Beer" or "trucks" or "football." If the man is a deep thinker, the answer may be as complicated as "the infield fly rule." But the answer is unlikely to center on feelings or a thorough diagnosis of the relationship.

This puts men at a disadvantage. When a woman inquires about a man's thoughts, she doesn't want to hear "beer." She wants something meaningful. Put on the spot, the man scrambles around, trying to come up with a sensitive, diplomatic answer, and usually says exactly the wrong thing. Sometimes, he's so caught up in his linear thinking (see "football" above), he doesn't realize he's made a mistake until a saucepan bounces off his head.

What follows is a quick quiz to help men who are faced with traditional relationship situations. The quiz is for guys, but there's a note for women at the end.

Question: Your wife says, "Are you happy?" What do you say?

A. "I'm always happy when I'm with you."
B. "I'd be happier if my team made the playoffs."
C. "I'd be happier if you didn't stand in front of the TV."
D. "Compared to what?"

Q: Your wife says, "You're awfully quiet tonight. Is something wrong?" How do you answer?

A. "Not at all. I was just thinking about how happy you make me."
B. "I can't find the remote."
C. "We're out of beer."
D. "Gas pains."

Q. Your wife bursts into tears for no apparent reason. How do you respond?

A. "Aw, honey, what's wrong? How can I help?"
B. "Now what?"
C. "Got something in your eye?"
D. "Where did you hide the remote?"

Q. At a restaurant, she asks, "Do you think that waitress is attractive?"

A. "What waitress?"
B. "That skinny thing? Nah, I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
C. "Hubba-hubba."
D. "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers."

Q. Your wife trots out that old favorite: "Does this dress make my butt look big?" How do you answer?

A. "You look beautiful."
B. "I like a woman with some meat on her bones."
C. "No bigger than usual."
D. "No, your butt makes that dress look big."

Q. When your wife reveals her innermost thoughts, you're thinking about:

A. The right thing to say to show you care.
B. Baseball.
C. Fishing.
D. An attractive waitress.

Scoring: The correct answers are labeled "A." If you picked anything else, you might as well start packing. And call a good lawyer.

(Note to women: It's probably clear by now, but you're better off if you never surprise your man with any of the above situations. For example, if you want a serious discussion of the relationship, sit him down, make sure you have his undivided attention and say: "We're going to discuss our relationship now." Give him a few minutes to align his linear thinking before you begin. Also, you might want to hide the remote first.)

An etiquette quiz, dude

Doesn't it seem that rudeness is rampant these days? Wherever you go, someone is there to interrupt you, cut you off, ruin your meal, laugh in your face, or sneeze on your shirt.

Social pundits complain that parents don't teach their children good manners anymore. The sad fact is that many parents don't know the fine points of proper etiquette. They either weren't taught appropriate behavior when they were younger, or they've forgotten it in their rush to "get ahead" in a fast-paced, ever-ruder world.

"Etiquette" (from the French for "do not spit in the salad") is the body of prescribed social behavior. It helps society run smoothly and sets standards for everyday actions. Most importantly, it keeps us all from killing each other.

To see whether you know all you should about etiquette (and, therefore, can give proper lessons to your children), take the following quiz:

1: The correct response to "Thank you" is:

A. "You're welcome."
B. "No problem."
C. "Huh?"
D. "Whatever, dude."

2: When passing through a door with other people, you should:

A. Hold the door open for others and come through last.
B. Step through the door, then reach as far as you can to more or less hold it open for those who follow.
C. Slip past the slow-moving people, saying, "C'mon, c'mon. I haven't got all day."
D. Slam the door on someone's fingers.

3: When you're driving and you see a pedestrian at a crosswalk, you should:

A. Stop and gesture for the pedestrian to go ahead and cross the street.
B. Stop, gesture for the pedestrian to go ahead, then "rev" your engine to hurry him along.
C. Speed up.
D. "Brush him back" up onto the curb.

4. The appropriate response when someone sneezes is:

A. "Bless you!"
B. "Wow!"
C. "Yuck!"
D. "Good one!"

5. If, during a conversation, someone unleashes a "bodily noise," you should:

A. Ignore it and keep talking.
B. Roll your eyes.
C. Snicker.
D. Say, "Good one!"

6. When dining, which of the following are appropriate to put on the table:

A. Forearms.
B. Elbows.
C. Feet.
D. A copy of "Penthouse" magazine.

7. If you're standing in line and spot a friend near the front, you should:

A. Wave to your friend and wait your turn.
B. Go to your friend and strike up a conversation so you can get "cuts."
C. Join your friend while "mad-dogging" anyone who might object.
D. Shove aside anyone between you and your friend.

8. When you receive a gift that is ugly or stupid or otherwise inappropriate, you should:

A. Thank the gift-giver and lie about the gift's beauty and intrinsic value.
B. Thank the gift-giver and wait until s/he leaves before laughing so hard that noodles squirt out your nose.
C. Say, "Well, I've certainly never had one of these before."
D. Mutter, "Time for another garage sale."

9. In a restaurant, the proper way to summon a waiter is:

A. Raise your hand until you catch the waiter's eye.
B. Raise your hand and shout, "Garcon! Hey!"
C. Whistle loudly.
D. Slam the tabletop repeatedly with your shoe.

(Warning: Inappropriate summoning of the waiter can result in the waiter's failure to follow proper "etiquette." If this occurs, skip the salad.)

10. If someone is droning on about a topic that doesn't interest you, you should:

A. Politely change the subject.
B. Look pointedly at your watch.
C. Clear your throat repeatedly.
D. Punch him.

To score your quiz: Give yourself 10 points for each "A" answer, then subtract 5 points for each "B," "C" or "D" answer. If you score less than 50, it may be time to take an etiquette course.

Remember: Manners are important. Etiquette is the oil that lubricates social intercourse.

(If you snickered at the term "social intercourse," subtract another 10 points.)

Hunker in the bunker

In these troubled times of international saber-rattling, missile-wielding madmen, rising gasoline prices and daily "booga-booga" terrorism alerts, nobody could blame Americans for wanting to spend all their time at home.

Our homes are comforting hidey-holes, quiet sanctuaries where we can shut out the tumult of this crazy, mixed-up world. They're the only places where we'll feel relatively safe for the foreseeable future or, at least, until the next presidential election.

But there are dangers to hunkering down at home. Chief among these: You can become a hermit, cut off from friends and relatives and fellow citizens.

The isolation hazard is especially severe for those of us who work in home offices. If we don't have to leave the house to go to a job, why leave at all? Next thing you know, we're indoors all the time, unwashed and ungroomed, fearfully monitoring CNN and mumbling to ourselves.

It's a fine line between cautious "cocooner" and full-blown paranoid, crazy-as-an-outhouse-rat hermit. But how to tell the difference? If you spend all your time at home, how do you know you haven't already crossed the line?

What follows is a handy quiz for determining whether you've become a wartime hermit. Ask yourself the following questions:

--Do you spend more than 22 hours a day inside your home?

--Are you afraid to fly? To drive? To walk in any position other than a crouch?

--Is your only form of human interaction via e-mail?

--Do you remember the names of your neighbors? Your friends? Your children?

--Can you use the term "cocooning" without smirking?

--Do you carefully monitor the federal government's indicators of terrorism danger? Can you recite the color code by heart?

--Do sonic booms make you "duck and cover?"

--Do you watch so much television news that you've started referring to the anchormen by their first names? Do you find yourself harboring a "crush" on Wolf Blitzer?

--Do you consider television to be a "weapon of mass destruction?"

--Do you keep careful written inventory of your duct tape, flashlight batteries and canned goods?

--Does your idea of "casual wear" include a gas mask? Kevlar pajamas?

--Have you drilled your family on how to respond in case of an airborne bioterrorism gas attack? Have the drills included seeing how long you can hold your breath? Have they included the phrase, "Pull my finger?"

--Do you have a backyard bomb shelter? How about an "entrenching tool?"

--Do your neighbors describe you as "a quiet person who always kept to himself?"

--Do your neighbors provide such descriptions to the FBI?

--Are you afraid of strangers? Arabs? The French? All foreigners? Men with mustaches? The Avon lady? Teen-agers who wear their baseball caps backward? Your mother-in-law?

--Do you answer to the term "shut-in?"

--If you encounter a stranger and he smiles at you, is your first reaction: "What's wrong with that guy? Maybe I should call the FBI!"

--Are you so lonely that you welcome calls from telemarketers? What about obscene phone calls?

--Do you fantasize about visiting the airport, just to get a strip-search?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you're in danger of becoming too isolated, also known as "Hermit Code Orange." You should immediately get up and go outside and breathe some fresh air. Maybe have a chat with your neighbors.

If it goes all right, signal to the rest of us hermits that it's safe to come out. Send word via CNN.

Fazed by phases

Otherwise sane adults enter parenthood feeling they can manage the child, that they can shape that newborn bundle of protoplasm into a functional adult who will bring good to the world.

Soon, however, sleep-deprived parents recognize that babies are around-the-clock need machines who bring into the world only one thing: dirty diapers. And it just goes downhill from there.

The central problem of parenthood is that the child's needs and expectations often are in direct conflict with the needs and expectations of the parents. For instance, a toddler expects life to be full of fun and freedom and adventure; the parents expect the child to stop sticking his tongue to electrical sockets.

Many such conflicts occur because parents don't understand the Stages of Child Development. As children grow, they go through "phases" in which certain behaviors are exhibited. Parents will find each of these "phases" to be "weird," but wise parents know that, if they just wait the child out, soon the aberrant behavior will be replaced by something even weirder.

Let's look, then, at the Stages of Child Development. For simplicity's sake, we'll break down childhood into the following categories: Infants, Toddlers, those of elementary school age (hereinafter known as "Kids"), and Teens. Each of these general age groups display certain universal behavioral traits, though individual deviations are common. Your mileage may vary.

Question: What do children want most from parents?

Infants: Around-the-clock attention.
Toddlers: A chance to get away with something.
Kids: A ride somewhere.
Teens: Money.

Question: What will interest the child most at various stages?

Infants: Mom's face.
Toddlers: Electrical sockets.
Kids: Armpit noises.
Teens: The opposite sex.

Question: Children tend to insert things in their mouths. What items are most typical?

Infants: Toe.
Toddlers: Everything.
Kids: Candy.
Teens: Foot.

Question: What are children's methods of communicating their needs?

Infants: Crying.
Toddlers: Crying.
Kids: Crying.
Teens: Sullen silence.

Question: What are children's favorite modes of transportation?

Infants: Mom's arms.
Toddlers: Dad's shoulders.
Kids: Anything that has wheels and an element of danger.
Teens: Their own car, dammit.

Question: What's the favorite form of amusement at each stage?

Infants: A mobile over the crib.
Toddlers: Inane television shows.
Kids: Setting small fires.
Teens: Talking on the phone 24 hours a day.

Question: How do children regard normal bodily functions?

Infant: Fascinating.
Toddler: As topics for public conversation.
Kids: Hilarious.
Teens: "God, you're so embarrassing! Can't you just leave me alone?"

Question: What clothing options are suitable for a child at each stage?

Infant: Six billion diapers.
Toddler: Armor.
Kids: Anything the parents didn't pick out.
Teens: The same stupid bellbottoms you wore when you were a teen.

Question: What philosophical questions are indicative of each stage?

Infants: Who am I?
Toddlers: Can I eat it?
Kids: Why not?
Teens: Can't a person get any privacy around here?

Question: What patterns of disturbing behavior can parents expect?

Infants: Shrieking at 2 a.m.
Toddlers: Throwing up at 2 a.m.
Kids: Raiding the fridge at 2 a.m.
Teens: Needing bail at 2 a.m.

Question: What are the typical ambitions of a child at each stage?

Infants: To become toddlers.
Toddlers: To escape their parents' control.
Kids: To someday drive a car.
Teens: To escape their parents' control.

Question: What are the biggest challenges for the parent at each stage of the child's development?

Infants: Sleep deprivation.
Toddlers: Ensuring a safe environment.
Kids: Public embarrassment.
Teens: Controlling homicidal impulses.

Now that you have a firm understanding of the Stages of Child Development, you can be better parents. Remember: Each of these stages is merely a passing phase and, eventually, the children will grow up and move away.

And then, finally, you can get some sleep.

Got money?

Many of us who work at home find ourselves separated from the mainstream of the stumbling American economy.

While regular workers spend increasing amounts of time worrying about their money, we freelance types say in resentful, guttural tones: "What is this 'money' and how do we get some?"

But say you have some of this so-called "money." Do you know what to do with it? Are you saving for retirement? College? A rainy day?

Whether you work at home or in the usual slave labor, how you handle your money can determine whether you weather the current tidal wave of economic crises or become more welfare flotsam.

Money management is not for amateurs. Make a mistake, and you can regret it for a lifetime or beyond. Yet studies show that most Americans know more about football than they do about financial planning.

To see whether you're knowledgeable enough to handle your own finances, take the following quiz:

Question: To "invest" means to:

A. Plant your money in a place where it will grow.
B. Hide your money in the pocket of your vest.
C. Buy a new truck.
D. Wave bye-bye to your money.

Q. "Consumer debt" is:

A. Money you owe to MasterCard.
B. The fuel in the engine of the American economy.
C. Something we all have in common.
D. A lifelong pursuit.

Q: A "pension" is a:

A. Retirement fund.
B. Small hotel in France.
C. Pipe dream.
D. CEO's slush fund.

Q. The term "interest" means:

A. To hold one's attention.
B. Your share in a successful enterprise.
C. Money you earn on your savings.
D. Money you pay to a loan shark.

Q. "Mortgage interest" can be deducted from:

A. Your taxes.
B. Your landlord's taxes.
C. Your wallet.
D. The national debt.

Q. A 401(k) is a retirement fund that allows you to invest your pre-tax earnings now and collect the gains when you retire. What does the (k) stand for?

A. Karma.
B. Klutz.
C. Kick yourself.
D. Kill yourself.

Q. An "IRA" is:

A. A tax shelter.
B. A method of earning 2 percent interest on your retirement savings.
C. One of the Gershwin brothers.
D. The Irish Republican Army.

Q. The stock market is a way to:

A. Secure your future.
B. Diversify your portfolio.
C. Lose your assets.
D. Justify suicide.

Q. When considering a particular investment, you should:

A. Research it carefully.
B. Consult a professional.
C. Ask your Uncle Morty for a "hot tip."
D. Flip a coin.

Q. "Mutual fund" means:

A. A collection of investments managed by a professional.
B. A shared risk.
C. Read the fine print.
D. Community property.

Q. "Taxes" are:

A. Every American's responsibility.
B. To be avoided.
C. An albatross around the neck of the working man.
D. The largest state in the contiguous U.S.

Q. If you find ways to reduce your "tax burden," you could end up:

A. With more money to invest.
B. With more money to spend on a new truck.
C. In an IRS auditor's office.
D. In prison.

Q. "Wealth" is:

A. The measure of all your collected assets.
B. Relative.
C. Something your relatives have.
D. A pipe dream.

Q. The safest place to keep your money is in:

A. Mutual funds.
B. An interest-bearing savings account.
C. The stock market.
D. A cookie jar.

Q. To "diversify your portfolio" means:

A. To spread your money around among several different types of investments.
B. To carefully balance risk investments against "sure things."
C. To change the color of your briefcase.
D. To put your money in several different cookie jars.

Q. It's often said that "money can't buy happiness," but it can buy:

A. Financial security.
B. The illusion of happiness.
C. Politicians.
D. A new truck.

Bliss quiz

We who labor on the home front often get so busy with deadlines and child care and computer crashes that we neglect the care and feeding of the ones who make our stay-at-home lifestyle possible -- our working spouses.

Our mates come home from a hard day at the office, and we greet them with complaints and teeth-gnashing instead of caresses and kisses. We carp about overflowing toilets and Science Fair projects and stubborn children and dog-chewed shoes.

This is not what the working partner needs. The home may be our workplace, but to them it's sanctuary, a safe harbor after being tossed about the stormy seas of office politics and ringing phones. We homebodies need to make the house a warm, welcoming place so our hard-working spouses will keep returning there after their long days of toil. Otherwise, they might dump us and we'll have to go out and get real jobs.

Here then is a self-scoring quiz aimed at making sure you're doing your best to keep your working spouse happy. There are no right answers, but perhaps these questions will make you stop and think whether you're doing your best for domestic bliss. Remember: The household income and health insurance and that 401(k) may depend on whether you're succeeding.

Question: After a hard day at the office, the thing your spouse needs most is:

A. Warm greetings and a hot meal.
B. A massage.
C. A shot of bourbon.
D. Valium.

Q. When you meet your spouse at the door, you're wearing:

A. Nice clothes and a fresh hairdo.
B. Sweatpants and three days' growth of whiskers.
C. Threadbare pajamas.
D. Saran Wrap.

Q. Your favorite pet name for your working spouse is:

A. Darling.
B. Sweetheart.
C. Hey, stupid.
D. Sugar booger.

Q. The first question out of your mouth when your spouse arrives home from work is:

A. "How was your day?"
B. "What's wrong?"
C. "Where have you been for the past three hours?"
D. "Is that lipstick on your collar?"

Q. When your spouse complains about his/her boss, you respond with:

A. "You poor thing!"
B. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
C. "You think you've got it bad? Today, I had to drive to two soccer practices. Then I had to call the plumber, and you know how much he charges. I don't know where we'll get the money. Then the dog . . . "
D. "Let's kill your boss."

Q. Working spouses are often hungry when they get home. What kind of meal can your spouse
expect?

A. Roast venison with shallots and an expensive bottle of wine.
B. Chinese takeout.
C. TV dinners.
D. Cold Spaghetti-O's.

Q. The first sound your mate hears upon entering the house is:

A. "Welcome home, sweetheart!"
B. Screaming children.
C. Weeping.
D. Repeated flushing.

Q. Your children usually greet your spouse with:

A. Hugs and kisses.
B. A litany of the latest playground injuries.
C. Demands for money.
D. Derision.

Q. On special occasions, your spouse can expect:

A. Flowers delivered to the office.
B. A babysitter and a night out on the town.
C. A night out on the town WITH the babysitter.
D. What's a special occasion?

Q. Most evenings, your mate can expect several hours of:

A. Television.
B. More work brought home from the office.
C. Complaining and bickering.
D. Sex.

Q. Overall, the best thing you can give your working spouse is:

A. Comforting words and a shoulder to cry on.
B. A clean house and a hot meal.
C. Sex.
D. A divorce.

Taking the plunge

So maybe you've been reading this column for a while and you're thinking: Boy, this jerk's got a sweet deal. Putter around the house, watch over a couple of kids, contemplate his navel, all while his wife's bringing home the family bacon.

You're right, of course. It is a sweet deal. But it took years of mental and financial preparation before I could quit the 9-to-5 world and become a full-time writer and househusband. Only the strong of mind and spirit (and wallet) can withstand the daily onslaught of housework and home repairs, kids and pets, computer crashes and culinary catastrophes.

If you've been thinking of starting an at-home business, you should first check your mental readiness. Can you work productively without adult supervision? Do you panic when faced with unstructured time? Are you too attached to your necktie, your co-workers, your salary to leave it all behind?

We have formulated a handy quiz to test your mental preparedness. Think of it as a checklist of your coping resources. Sort of like those inventories of supplies kept in bomb shelters.

The test is self-scoring. There are no wrong answers. If you're honest with yourself, however, you'll soon realize you're crazy as a loon for even considering quitting your day job.

Q. The thing I fear most about working at home is:

a) Solitude.

b) Loneliness.

c) Forgetting the niceties of social interaction, such as table manners.

d) All of the above.

Q. The thing I would most enjoy about working at home would be:

a) Solitude.

b) Setting my own schedule.

c) Being allowed to smoke at my desk.

d) "Oprah."

Q. When I'm working, I like to wear:

a) Stylish clothes that catch the eye.

b) Conservative business attire.

c) Sweatpants.

d) Nothing.

Q. When the doorbell rings, I know it will be someone trying to sell me:

a) Avon.

b) Fresh fruit.

c) Salvation.

d) All of the above.

Q. When working on a computer, the error message I fear most is:

a) "Insufficient memory at this time."

b) "A fatal exception has occurred."

c) "General failure."

d) What's an error message?

Q. My child is stuck up a tree, screaming for help. I would:

a) Call the fire department.

b) Climb up the tree and help him down.

c) Stand below, ready to catch him, while I gently coax him down.

d) Hide in the house until he figures it out on his own.

Q. When the phone rings, I expect it to be:

a) An important client.

b) A telemarketer.

c) My spouse, wondering whether I've accomplished anything today.

d) The state Children, Youth and Families Department.

Q. Faced with two inches of water on the laundry room floor, I would:

a) Unplug all the electrical appliances, clean up the mess and try to find the problem.

b) Call a plumber.

c) Call my spouse and whimper into the phone.

d) Tell the kids we're having a pool party.

Q. To make my home the perfect place to work, I need:

a) A supportive family.

b) A loyal dog.

c) E-mail.

d) A straitjacket.