The doctor is in

I sometimes work as a writing coach/book doctor, helping new authors polish their manuscripts.

I'm nearly finished with the revisions on my new novel, so I'll have time for new students over the next few months. For more information about how it works and how much it costs, e-mail me at abqbrewer@gmail.com.

Pass the word. Thanks!

Take it from me

Just because you feel moved to give advice doesn’t mean anyone will want to take it.

We all love to dole out advice. We feel we’ve learned a lot during our lifetimes, and others should benefit from our accumulated knowledge. Clearly, our friends and relatives need the help. Just look at the way they’re messing up their lives. If they’d only listen to us, things would be better.

We tell ourselves we have only the best of intentions, but darker motives sometimes are at work. By offering advice, we can be saying: “I’m smarter than you. I’ve got better taste. Only I can tell you how to fix your many, many problems, you shlub.”

Not surprisingly, this primal urge to instruct often is not met with enthusiasm by people on the receiving end. Some simply ignore advice. Some resent the very implication that they need advice, which is why, all across this great country of ours, in-laws aren’t speaking to one another. Others feel compelled to do the exact opposite of whatever was recommended, which is how women end up marrying members of motorcycle gangs.

Yes, giving advice is fraught with danger. Perhaps the quickest way to lose a friend or alienate a relative is to say, “You know what your problem is?”

Some topics are particularly perilous:

RELATIONSHIPS

No woman wants to hear that her new love is, in reality, a felonious scoundrel. You might think you’re saving her from herself by mentioning it, but it works just the opposite. She will run as fast as she can, right into his hairy, tattooed arms. If it doesn’t work out, anything you say will seem like, “I told you so.” And if it does last, she and her new husband will hate you. Forever.

CAREERS

It’s safe to give others career advice because you’re not the one who’ll get fired if it goes kerflooey. It’s easy to say, “Tell your boss to take this job and shove it.” But there should be a rule: If you advise someone to quit a job, you must let that person move in with you and live off your income for a minimum of six months.

PARENTING

Rearing children is hard enough without some self-proclaimed expert telling us that we’re doing it wrong. If you don’t live under the same roof and see daily just what a pain little Johnny can be, then you should keep your mouth shut. Assume his parents are doing the best they can, and smile brightly as a naked little Johnny smears boysenberry jam on the cat.

NUTRITION

If you tell a friend how to eat better, here is what they will hear: “You are a fat slob.” We all know we sometimes eat things that aren’t healthy. We eat them because they taste good.

I was recently in a Mexican restaurant where a woman in the next booth complained to everyone who’d listen, including the summoned manager, because the refried beans were made with lard. Excuse me? You ordered refried beans, then had a problem with lard? By the time she was finished proclaiming how unhealthy lard is, I was ready to say, “Can I have her lard? I want extra lard! Could you pump lard directly into my arteries? Muchas gracias.”

FASHION

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your clothes, but you can’t pick your friends’ clothes.

In summary, only give advice when asked. Even then, use caution in expressing your opinions. Hey, I’m talking to you. Are you even listening? You know, that’s your problem right there--

If you love me, you'll read me

Okay, this isn't quite that pathetic, but close. Just a reminder that we're having big fun over at Food for Thought: A News Cafe, where my new column The Corner Booth is updated daily. Today's is pretty funny, I think. Click here to see it.

If you are reading this on the Bloggers section of Food for Thought: A News Cafe, then I'm that distinguished bearded man to your left. (Not the funny-looking cartoonist.)

Starving artist

I got my twice-a-year royalty statement this week and -- ahem -- y'all need to go buy some books. Really. I know times are hard, but I've got teen-aged boys to feed and everyone needs to pitch in.

In particular, you ought to check out "Whipsaw" and "Cutthroat." These recent books aren't comic crime novels, like so many of mine, but fast-paced thrillers set in San Francisco. "Whipsaw" centers on a stolen video game program that's ransomed back to the company that developed it. "Cutthroat" is about a corporate troubleshooter who uncovers a bloody plot to overthrow an African nation.

Just the sort of escapist fare that'll take your mind off the stock market. Cover art and further description can be found at http://www.stevebrewerbooks.com/.

Tell all your friends

If you're enjoying these posts, please help us get the word out. Feel free to spam all your friends with the blog address. Talk up the Home Front over the watercooler. Purchase large billboards near major intersections in your city. Whatever you think will help. And it wouldn't hurt you to click on a Google Ad once in a while. I could make pennies a year!

All the above goes for my wife's fun blog -- pinkhollyhock.blogspot.com -- as well. Until the federal government comes through with those agricultural subsidies for our Blog Farm, we need all the help we can get.

Thanks!