You're doing it wrong

Today's tip for aspiring criminals: When fleeing after a bank holdup, it's a good idea to look over your shoulder once in a while and make sure no one is following you.

Two robbers in Brownsville, PA, forgot this important lesson, and were promptly arrested after a motorist followed them home from the robbery, then told police of the robbers' location.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

Two geniuses in New Mexico have been arrested for starting an 11,000-acre wildfire, sparked by a burning charcoal grill they were carrying in the back of a pickup truck.

The campers loaded the grill into the truck and drove off after being told to extinguish it by park rangers. Flying embers set the men's camping gear on fire, so they pulled off the road and dumped all the burning material off the shoulder. That started the larger fire.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

Case of life imitating art: In my novel Bank Job, which came out in 2005, a loser tries to rob a liquor store near Redding, CA, only to have the clerks chase him away by breaking bottles over his head. This week, a robber at a Redding liquor store was tackled by four citizens and arrested, even though he used a broken bottle to try to fend off the Good Samaritans.

The perp was identified by police as Otto Smalley, and if that's not a name from a Steve Brewer novel, I don't know what the heck is. Officers said the 45-year-old tried to use a knife to rob the liquor store/minimart where he was a familiar customer. Three guys suffered minor injuries from the broken bottle. Full story here. Be sure to check out the cool neck tattoo in the mug shot.

Oh, police say meth use apparently was involved. Surprise!

You're doing it wrong

Police in Albuquerque, NM, say two copper thieves got a big surprise when they cut into a live electric wire with a pair of garden shears.

The shears were scorched by the surge, police said, and whoever was holding them was almost certainly injured. The criminal masterminds were also captured on surveillance video while on the property.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

If you're in the middle of a high-speed chase and you're driving a stolen truck, it probably won't help to throw your prosthetic leg at the pursuing officers.

A man in Shasta County, CA, tried that very thing and, as you can read here, the cops still caught him after he ran over several spike bars and crashed the truck.

You can insert your own joke about how he'll do in court.

You're doing it wrong

Today's tip for aspiring criminals: After you've successfully knocked over a convenience store, it's a bad idea to go back to that same store for cigarettes the next day.

As reported here, an 18-year-old man in Florida forgot this important lesson, and was promptly arrested after the store clerk recognized him from the robbery the night before. The robber had worn a mask, but had let it slip and the clerk had seen his face.

Extra weird: The robber stole $500 and several packs of Newports. So why was he buying more cigarettes the next day? A nice, non-smoking jail may save this young man from himself.

You're doing it wrong

Tip for aspiring criminals: After you successfully pull off an "inside job" bank robbery, it's better not to boast about being "RICH" on Facebook.

Four young people in Houston, TX, have learned this lesson the hard way. They were arrested after police found Facebook postings saying one of them was "WIPING MY TEETH WITH HUNDREDS" days after the robbery. One of the suspects is a teller at the bank.

Full story here.

Watch-gator

Police in Southern California raided a marijuana-growing operation and discovered a four-foot-long alligator. The 55-pound reptile apparently was a deterrent to thieves.

A drug task force found nearly 2,300 pot plants in the home in Hemet. The gator was turned over to an animal sanctuary.

Full story here.

You don't tug on Superman's sweater

Police in Watsonville, CA, are searching for several youths who pounced on a man and stole his Superman sweater. The cops caught one of the youths (and retrieved the purloined sweater) after the hoodlums' van crashed into a tree, but the rest ran off.

Full story here. No word on whether the assailants wielded kryptonite.

You're doing it wrong

Note to aspiring criminals: When doing a snatch-and-run robbery at a convenience store, first make sure there aren't FOUR sheriff's deputies inside the store.

Apparently, two thieves in La Mirada, CA, didn't notice the two patrol cars parked beside the store. Once inside, they were too busy grabbing up $18.76 worth of snacks and beer to notice the uniformed deputies, who promptly arrested them.

Sounds like a "munchie run" gone wrong.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

Police in Arlington Heights, IL, say three young burglars killed their victims' goldfish because "they didn't want to leave any witnesses."

The youths broke into a house and stole tons of stuff. Before leaving, they poured hot sauce and other toxins into the aquarium to eliminate the witnesses.

Police later caught up to the geniuses through stolen goods sold at local pawn shops.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

From Russia comes word of an intended suicide bomber who was blown up by a message from her mobile phone provider.

Suicide bombers sometimes are rigged with cell phones, so their handlers can set off the explosions with a text message. Apparently, a bomber was killed at a safehouse when her phone company sent her a "Happy New Year" text message.

The terrorists had planned to explode the bomb at Red Square during New Year's Eve festivities, officials said.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

A word to bank robbers: Always be sure to arrange your getaway in advance. If you go around after the robbery, offering strangers $1,000 for a ride to the next town, it looks suspicious.

Police say a robber in Capitola, CA, did just that. Worse, he got away with it, at least for now.

Full story here.

Everyone needs an editor

Editors help you watch out for unintended double entendres, such as the one I spotted yesterday painted (twice!) in giant letters on the windows of a uniform store in Redding, CA. Here's what it said:

DICKIE

SCRUBS

35 % OFF!

What a bargain!

You're doing it wrongest

OK, all you wanted sex offenders, where's the last place you should take a bath? Come on, think hard. What's that? The restroom at the police department? Hah, good one! No one would be so stupid --

Wait, what?

Oh, my. It seems a wanted sex offender in my new hometown of Santa Cruz, CA, did not get the memo about no-bathing-at-the-cop-shop. Police say a visitor to headquarters took his kids into the restroom and found Darrick Burch, 53, fully naked and washing in the sink. The visitor fetched a cop, who found Burch still naked and merrily bathing.

Police arrested Burch on an outstanding warrant for failing to register properly as a sex offender.

Full story here.

You're doing it wrong

How many times do we have to say it? If you're going to commit a felony, be sure you have gas in your getaway car.

A trio of idiots in Albuquerque, NM, ran out of gas one block from the motel they'd just robbed, police say. No question it was the right car, since the robbers had parked directly outside the motel office, giving the clerks a clear view of their license plate.

Worse yet, police say the robbery was the second motel that the trio had tried to knock over that night. At the first one, the clerk refused to answer the locked door until the robbers gave up and went away.

The complete story, if you can stomach it, is here.

They fired all the copy editors

Assorted goofs in today's local paper reminded me that I haven't done a typo roundup lately. I didn't have to look far.

--On KOAT/Albuquerque's website today, we find this headline: "Woman, 65, Dragged by Purse Through Parking Lot."

Man, that's one angry purse.

--On redding.com today, we learn that City Council candidates want to "reign in spending."

Not unless "Spending" is a kingdom I never heard of before.

--I love the fishing report at the San Jose Mercury-News, and the pains taken not to be repetitive. The result is daily profundity like this: "Striped bass are all over San Pablo Bay."

There goes the neighborhood!

More fun with typos

From the front page of today's Record-Searchlight here in Redding, CA: "Republicans reek to avoid adding to debt."

I'm pretty sure the newspaper meant "seek," but things have been different at the R-S since Dr. Freud started working on the copy desk.

I recently saw a Craigslist real estate ad that mentioned "double pain windows." Imagine how bad that view must be.

Finally, there was the professional author whose Facebook post the other day referred to "overcoming a handy cap." That's when you put your cap in an inconvenient place? So it's not so handy?

You're doing it wrong

Today's tip for aspiring criminals: If you think there's even a remote chance that you might rob a bar later in the evening, it's better if you don't wear that T-shirt that has your photo and name printed on the front. Also, don't leave the shirt behind for the police to find.

The cops say Kendell Swader, 22, of Murfreesboro, Tenn., forgot those important rules during a drunken holdup at a saloon called The Spot. He's now under arrest.

Full story here.

Fun with Craigslist

In anticipation of our big move, I'm spending way too much time looking at rental properties on Craigslist. Because people do their own copy-editing on Craigslist, you sometimes find hilarious mistakes, such as the recent ad that began, "Basque on your sun deck. . . "

Here's today's find. In an ad for a nice apartment were the words "ceramic tile threw out the kitchen."

Ha-ha. We all know that's wrong. They mean "thrown."