Review a book and get one FREE

Starting today, you can get one of my e-books for FREE every time you review one.

Post a review on Amazon and/or Smashwords, then send an e-mail to abqbrewer@gmail.com, saying something like, "Hey, Steve: I reviewed CALABAMA, and now I'd like a copy of THE BIG WINK." I'll send you a FREE e-book of the one requested, via either Smashwords coupon or Amazon "gift," your choice.

My e-books are already cheap ($2.99 or less), but I need more reviews. If you like to write reviews, you could plow through my whole backlist for almost nothing. But you need to get cracking. This offer ends May 31.

To see all my books, go to my Amazon page here or my Smashwords page here.

Now get to reading!

Not dead yet

This blog has been dormant for six weeks, so I wanted to poke up my head and say I haven't died. I'm writing the first draft of a new novel.

Whenever I'm in this stage of the novel-writing process, other things tend to fall by the wayside. My head is so full of the story I'm writing, it's hard to focus on other stuff, such as blogging and marketing and laundry.

I'm a little over halfway through the first draft of a thriller called STASH THE CASH. It's ripping along at my regular pace, between 30-40 pages a week. At this rate, I should be done within six weeks, with the usual months of rewriting to follow.

I'm also teaching this semester at the University of New Mexico. That class keeps me busy on Wednesdays. I volunteered to teach a few sessions at an April 20 writing seminar at UNM, and I'm devoting this weekend to preparation for that.

So it's a busy time. Kelly and I have also been socializing some, trying to catch up with our Albuquerque friends. Hard to believe we've been back in New Mexico six months already. Feels like we should still be unpacking.

Of course, I've had my head down, writing, ever since we got here. First, I cranked out the latest Bubba Mabry story, a novella called PARTY DOLL. And now I'm hard at work on STASH THE CASH.

Meanwhile, I signed an extension on the film/TV option on my 2004 novel BOOST. And, while I can't really talk about it yet, there's some film interest in 2005's BANK JOB as well. Now if I can just get Hollywood interested in my more recent books, such as LOST VEGAS or THE BIG WINK, I'll be all set.

For more info about all my books, check out my Amazon page at http://www.stevebrewer.us.com/. Now I've got to get back to writing the new one.

Cannabis, crime and THE BIG WINK

My crime novel THE BIG WINK is looking more and more like a snapshot of history. On Tuesday, the City Council in Redding, CA, voted to ban medical marijuana dispensaries, effective Dec. 1.

I wrote THE BIG WINK while we were living in Redding in 2009. It was a wild time in Northern California, with everyone jumping on the medical marijuana bandwagon while the feds looked the other way. Thirty dispensaries opened in the city, and thousands of people got medical recommendations that allowed them to legally smoke pot. Everyone, it seemed, was scrambling around, trying to find a way to cash in on the Green Wave.

Perfect setting for a crime novel. Into this mix, I introduced a crew of robbers led by hardened local criminal Ray Bunch. My fictional gang knocked over half a dozen dispensaries, stealing cash and weed that could be resold on the street. But during one hold-up, a prominent banker gets shot. Suddenly, the news media, the cops and advocates on all sides of the cannabis issue are focused on Redding and the robberies.

I'm very proud of THE BIG WINK. I think it's one of my best novels, and it's garnered five-star reviews. But soon it may no longer reflect the real world. If the City Council's ban holds up against the lawsuits to come, the dispensaries will disappear and potheads (and legitimate medical users) will go back to buying off the street.

Read the news story here. And, please, read The BIG WINK. Only $2.99 on Kindle, Smashwords and other e-book platforms.

Buy my books

As we downsize our household for the big move to a place by the beach, we're trying to reduce our large inventory of books written by some guy named Steve Brewer.

My wife Kelly has set up a "store" at Amazon.com where you can order my books (including some that are hard to find), inscribed any way you like. Better we ship these books to happy readers than pay to move them to Santa Cruz.

To check out our "store," click here.

Autographed books make wonderful gifts. ;-)

Cutting costs

INTERNAL MEMO
To: Members of the Household
From: Chief Financial Officer

Nationwide, the economy’s in real trouble, and that’s reflected here at local headquarters. Costs are rising and income isn’t keeping up. High gasoline and food prices have taken their toll, and inflation is now spreading to other areas, such as tires and waistlines. It’s time to tighten our collective belts so we can survive these hard times without resorting to layoffs that could affect the whole family.

The following cost-cutting measures will be in force until further notice:

1) Out-of-control inflation at the supermarket means we must rely on simpler foods, such as those purchased at discount stores for less than a dollar. Think ramen noodles. Yum.

We’ll be looking for foods we can make from scratch. Yes, this is more time-consuming, but we’ll have plenty of time to cook now that we’ve canceled all fun activities. (See item 5).

We’ll also keep a lower inventory of food on hand. If you get hungry enough, maybe you’ll finally consume those canned goods that have sat in the back of the pantry since 1993.

2) Utility costs are on the rise, and we can all do our part by keeping lights turned off and using less air-conditioning. Sweating is good for you. And reading in low light builds up your eye muscles.

3) We’ll cut spending on extravagances such as new school clothes. You kids only want to wear your old, ratty clothes anyway, and now you’ll get that opportunity. If colors are faded or you’re tired of the patterns, we’ll dye all your clothes black and tell everyone you’re “Goth” or "emo.” You’ll have to act angry and/or sad all the time, but that shouldn’t be difficult now that we’re poor.

4) School supplies will be provided by household members who have access to corporate office-supply closets and who can exercise the venerated “five-finger discount.” Students should pay special attention to the combinations of nearby lockers.

5) Entertainment costs must be contained. Why pay full price for “The Dark Knight” when you can watch perfectly fine old movies such as “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken” on TV for free? Better yet, curl up with a book from the library.

Dining out is verboten, effective immediately. Public liquor consumption should be confined to “happy hour.” Private alcohol consumption may increase during these hard economic times, resulting in deferred costs, such as detox and/or rehab.

6) Houseplants cost water and time and provide little in return. The ingrates. Starting now, houseplants will gradually be replaced by herbs and other edible plants, such as wheat.

7) Lawn and garbage services will be suspended, replaced by the newest member of our household team, Sweetums the goat. I hope you all will join me in welcoming Sweetums aboard, but keep your distance because she bites.

8) Other so-called “pets” are put on notice that they need to start pulling their weight around here. Otherwise, they run the risk of becoming “lunch.”

9) Transportation costs simply must come down. Car trips will be restricted to those that are absolutely necessary. Household members who need additional travel should undertake it at their own expense. Or use alternative methods such as hitchhiking. This is why God gave you thumbs, people.

That is all for now. If the recession deepens, additional cutbacks may be required. But if we all pitch in and help contain costs, perhaps we won’t have to sell the children to a passing carnival.

Thank you.

For sale: My memorabilia

News Item I Can’t Get Out of My Mind: A lock of John Lennon’s hair sold for $48,000 in a London auction of Beatles memorabilia.

An anonymous telephone bidder purchased the hair, which had been saved by Betty Glasow, the Beatles’ hairdresser during their heyday. The auction house, Gorringes, had estimated the hair would go for $4,000 to $6,000. After it sold for much more, a Gorringes spokeswoman said, “the sale goes to prove that John Lennon is still an icon.”

It also proves that somebody’s got much more money than they’ve got good sense. I like the Beatles as much as the next guy, but $48,000 for a snippet of hair? Clearly, there are still rich collectors out there who are willing to be clipped. (Har.)

For that much money, I’d cut off all my hair, including my beard, and hand it over. I’d gladly embrace the cueball look for a while if it meant $48,000 in the bank. For $48,000, I’d sell the only existing locks of my sons’ baby hair. Heck, for $48,000, I’d track YOU down and cut off all your hair and sell it.

I’ve been thinking of ways to take advantage of the collectible market. I’m no icon like John Lennon, but I have a lot of stuff I’d be willing to sell, if only I could connect with the anonymous bidders who have tons of money. Maybe I can convince one of the fancy auction houses to sell off my memorabilia.

Here are some samples:

--T-shirt from a 1981 Rolling Stones concert at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. Size: Medium. Color: Flesh-tone with strange race-car logo on the front and slight discoloration at armpits. Suggested opening bid: $5,000.

--Copies of my high school yearbook, The Zebra, from years 1973 through 1975. Yearbooks include numerous photos of me engaged in school activities, as well as scrawled dedications and notes from friends recalling my most embarrassing moments. Suggested opening bid: $4,000 each.

--Even more rare: A copy of a junior high yearbook, which includes a picture of me, in uniform, as the World’s Scrawniest Football Player. Suggested opening bid: $4,500.

--Thirty-five years’ worth of accumulated eyeglasses, including some oversized Elton John-ish ones from the 1980s, all collected in a stylish Hush Puppies box. Suggested opening bid: $3,000.

--Early manuscripts of my books and other writings. Suggested opening bid: $100 per pound.

--A collection of vinyl records by artists ranging from Muddy Waters to Willie Nelson to Foghat. Suggested opening bid: Whatever the market will bear.

--Performance evaluations from various jobs, all collected into a crumpled manila folder. Suggested opening bid: 2 cents, which is what they were worth at the time, too.

--Desk calendars from the past five years, including my scribbled appointments, plans and aspirations, most of them scratched out. Suggested opening bid: $400 each.

--Several pairs of denim jeans in sizes much smaller than will currently fit. Suggested opening bid: $200 each.

--A fist-sized chunk of black lava rock that I stole from a national park. Suggested opening bid: $100.

--Assorted whiskers and beard trimmings, collected from bathroom sink. Suggested opening bid: $10.

--Fingernail clippings from last week. Suggested opening bid: $5.

Looking back over these items, I can see how it might be tough to interest Gorringes or Sotheby’s in conducting an auction, unless I can somehow become an icon sometime soon. I’ll work on that.

In the meantime, there’s always e-Bay.

How to redeem your rebate

Thank you for purchasing the new Widget 4000. You'll find the Widget 4000 is a super product that meets all your widget needs. Best of all, you save $100 with this simple mail-in rebate!

To redeem, you'll need the original sales receipt, your credit card receipt and the UPC bar code from the product. The UPC code is printed on a label attached to the product box with Super Glue. Cut the label off, cardboard and all, with a razor blade. (For safety reasons, we cannot process rebate requests that have blood on them.)

To fulfill your request, we'll need the following: Your name, address, age, phone number, credit card number, ATM number, driver's license number, Social Security number, vehicle identification number, library card number, computer password, childhood nickname, blood type and the names of any prescription medications you're currently taking.

We'll also need the same information from your spouse, if any. If you have a firstborn male child, we'll need his information, too. If you do not have a firstborn male child, please enclose a written explanation.

Please include the following information as well: Where you purchased your Widget 4000, how much you paid for it, why you chose that store and how much commission the salesman made. This information must be accompanied by a short essay explaining why you chose the Widget 4000 over similar products.

(Rebate requests that do not include the essay will be considered null and void. The Widget 4000 Corp. retains rights to all written material and may use your testimonial in advertisements without seeking your permission first.)

All your information should be hand-printed on an unlined sheet of legal-sized typing paper. (Lined paper, indecipherable handwriting or crooked margins will result in disqualification.)
Accompanying artwork will not be returned.

Use of profane language will make the request null and void. This is to protect our workers.
If you have retained a lawyer to help you seek your rebate, please include the lawyer's name, address and whether s/he is allergic to peanuts. If you are a lawyer yourself, we require that all the above steps be accomplished while performing a handstand.

Since our fulfillment center is in Thessalonika, all requested information should be written in Greek. (If you actually speak Greek, then we meant Malay.)

All items must be placed in a plain white envelope exactly 3.5 by 27 inches. Using the wrong sized envelope will void your request.

The front of the envelope must bear ONLY the address listed below. Write your return address on the back in a simple alphabet-replacement code where A equals 1, B equals 2, etc. Write the numbers upside-down and left-handed.

Correct postage must be attached. Postage should be paid in Algerian dinars. No exceptions will be allowed.

The envelope must be mailed to our fulfillment center by midnight of the date 30 days after your purchase. Make that exactly at midnight. Yeah, we like that better.

Processing takes about 90 days. If you do not hear from our fulfillment center within 120 days, you should stand on your head and hum "Mammy's Lil Baby Loves Shortnin' Bread" until someone slaps you.

Good luck!

Fixing to go crazy

Brewer's First Law of Possessions: The more stuff you own, the more time and money you spend on repairs.

Most purchases -- anything more complicated than, say, food -- eventually will break. Then you're faced with a crash of decision-making and out-of-pocket expenses. Do you replace the item? Do you call a repairman? Do you repair the item yourself? (Hahahaha.)

Cheap goods get thrown out and replaced. But big-ticket items, such as cars, should be fixed, if possible, so you get the most out of your "investment." This makes good financial sense, but it rarely stops there.

Brewer's Second Law of Possessions: If something breaks in your household, several other items will immediately follow suit.

All your stuff is slowly wearing out. It's a long march from the factory to the landfill, and your stuff is trudging along, corroding and eroding and collecting error messages. Your computer sees your toaster fall dead, and decides it can't push on any longer, either. A toilet smells obsolescence in the air, and the plumbing stumbles. Pretty soon, you're up to your neck in repairmen.

Each household object you accumulate moves you farther along the Time/Money Continuum until you reach the point where the slightest ripple -- a broken coffemaker, say, or a transmission leak -- can result in tsunamis of lost hours and cash.

Which brings us to the Ultimate Theorem of Owning Stuff: Eventually, all your money will go to maintaining the things you already have, which means you can't afford to buy any new stuff. This (along with the size of your garage) proves that the Financial Universe is finite.

All these theories were proved recently at my house as we went through one of those spells where everything seemed to go kerflooey at once.

My minivan, a Ford Lemonstar, needed a new power steering unit (again). The house's water heater sprang a leak. The vacuum in our swimming pool decided that it sucks to be a vacuum, so it stubbornly would only roll backward. A lamp switch in the living room stopped switching. A cell phone got confused and would only talk to itself. Computers lost their minds.

People who believe in astrology tell us that such universal mechanical breakdowns occur when the planet Mercury is in "retrograde." (And wouldn't the "Mercury Retrograde" be a good name for a car?) Others attribute such woeful periods to coincidence or bad luck or Job-like trials of faith. I prefer to think that my stuff is conspiring against me; I'm pretty sure I hear appliances whispering together at night.

I spent a month dealing with plumbers and repairmen and auto mechanics and pool equipment dealers and Technical Assistance people in India. Many hundreds of dollars disappeared in the process, and more of my hair turned gray. The accumulated aggravation no doubt took years off my life.

Some people tackle such everyday problems as if they're no big deal. Some actually enjoy fixing things themselves, and wouldn't dream of hiring a repairman every time something goes wrong. But I'm not the handy type, and I don't want to spend every waking moment of every weekend trying to fix stuff. That would cut into the time I devote to watching football on TV.

(Of all the broken stuff I mentioned above, the one thing I was able to fix was the lamp switch. Expect an electrical fire at any time.)

We spent all our money on repairs, which means we don't have any left for new stuff. And that, friends, is what they mean by the "service economy."

Paying Mom what she's worth

Once, at a matinee of "Mission Impossible XXVI," we were agog as a swoopy drone aircraft fired missiles, blowing up a whole smoking causeway full of vehicles, trying to hit tiny Tom Cruise.

(They're CRUISE missiles! Get it? Huh? Here, America, let us hit you over the head with our collective wit.)

One of those strange hiccups of silence breached the Dolby SurroundSound just as an older lady behind us wearily said: "Right, and who's going to clean up that mess?"

Spoken like a veteran mom. One who's mopped up too many spills for one lifetime. One who's scolded so many sloppy teen-agers, she's tired of the sound of her own voice. A frazzled woman just happy to sit-still-for-a-change in an air-conditioned theater.

She couldn't quite relax into the moment. Actions still have consequences. Somebody's still got to clean up every mess. And, like many of us, she's worn out by the real world. One telecast disaster after another, all the bombings and tsunamis and hurricanes. And you just know, her tone said, that our tax dollars will be wasted, rebuilding the causeway that Tom Cruise blew up.

Which brings us to the cost of things.

Salary.com added up the top 10 jobs that make a mom's job description (janitor, cook, psychologist), put value to them and came up with this: Stay-at-home moms are worth $134,121 a year. Working moms would earn $85,876 for the "mom job" portion of their work, in addition to their actual salaries.

(OK, whoa, that's enough. If you are a mother, you need to stop waving this article in the faces of your loved ones. Right now. Yes, you've been telling them, all these years, how hard you work, but they're not going to start listening now. Someone could get a paper cut.)

And that's just the work that can be calculated. No one can measure all the sleepless nights and harried days of the average mom. The level of everyday worry that could take a woman to a place where she experiences automatic thoughts about the clean-up costs of computer-generated special effects at the movies.

The study didn't say anything about working dads' housework contributions or work-at-home dads or stay-at-home dads. We'll assume we dads would make a lot less if our at-home contributions were calculated. Some men do absolutely nothing (and you know who you are), and blow the curve for the rest. Even those of us who do the lion's share of the housework don't put the same amount of time and care into it that your average mom does. We tend to compact all our efforts into those frantic few moments before our wives get home.

Still, we'd be worth something. We could pro-rate it to hours spent per week on household chores (minus time spent on burrito breaks, wandering off and scratching), and come up with a pretend salary for all of us, too.

The comparisons might be embarrassing for the men. Mom's worth $85,876, on top of what she's drawing down at the rendering plant? And Dad's annual housework contribution is worth how much? Seventeen dollars?

Isn't mom in danger of pricing herself out of the imaginary market here? I mean, come on, $134,121? Who does she think she is, Halliburton?

One thing's for certain: At those prices, we can't afford to hire moms for the job of picking up after Tom Cruise. No matter how much they volunteer.

Last-minute shopping tips

With two weeks to go until Christmas, many of us are mired in the traditional holiday panic about what gifts to buy for our loved ones.

We wander shopping malls, examining merchandise and muttering and shaking our heads. Nothing seems to fit with our loved ones' wants and needs. Or, we find the perfect gift, but it's too expensive. Or, it's the wrong size or color or voltage.

With each passing day, the joyful deadline presses closer, until the last few shopping days arrive and we desperately grab up anything and wrap it in brightly colored paper and hope for the best. This is how bald Uncle Fred ends up with hair curlers on Christmas morning and Grandma gets a new monkey wrench.

Why does this happen, year after year? Because our loved ones already have all the stuff they need. In our credit-driven society, deferred gratification is a forgotten value. If we want something, we run right out and buy it. And everyone else we know acts the same way.

The result? If you think of an item that would make the perfect gift for your loved one, it will turn out that the loved one already has one. Each year, we're forced to go farther afield in search of gifts they might possibly need, but don't already own. And this, my friends, is how the Salad Shooter came to be born.

The solution to this perennial problem is to "think outside the (gift) box." Your family doesn't need more stuff. What your loved ones will appreciate most are gifts that show you've given some consideration to their lifestyles and their happiness.

Gifts you've made with you own hands demonstrate your love and thoughtfulness, though people will whisper later that you are a tightwad. Gag gifts show whimsy, but you'd better hope your loved ones share your sense of humor. Money or gift certificates let the recipients decide for themselves what useless crap will clutter up their homes.

Here are some other creative gift suggestions:

FOR CHILDREN

Christmas really is for kids, and nothing ruins the holiday faster than the crestfallen look of a child who opens an inappropriate gift and declares that Santa is an idiot.

When buying toys, you should consider durability as well as the latest hot trends. Ideally, you want toys that will not be destroyed before the credit-card bills come due. Also, avoid toys that need batteries unless you're prepared to buy new batteries every week for the rest of your life, which explains the origin of the phrase "a gift that keeps on giving."

You can be forward-looking with kids' gifts -- giving money to their college funds or donating to a good cause in their names. But be warned: The children will hate you forever.

Whatever you opt to buy for a child, make sure it comes in a large cardboard box. That's the only thing the kid will play with, anyway.

FOR SPOUSES

This is difficult because Christmas gifts for spouses require a knowledge of what your spouse needs, plus a touch of romance. No spouse really wants new pots and pans for Christmas. His-and-her TV remotes will not be considered romantic. Major appliances are out, too, unless your spouse enjoys playing in large cardboard boxes.

FOR SENIOR CITIZENS

These folks are particularly hard to buy for because they've had entire lifetimes to accumulate stuff. Food items work, as long as you're cognizant of the recipients' special dietary needs. But the best thing you can do for a senior citizen these days is help them pay for their prescription drugs. Or get them a nice big cardboard box as a "retirement home."

FARAWAY RELATIVES

Tricky, because you can end up paying more in postage than the gift items are worth. The best way to handle distant loved ones is to perfect this phrase: "Darn, it must've gotten lost in the mail."

If Dec. 24 arrives and you still haven't finished your shopping, go to a store and buy dozens of the same item and give one to each person on your Christmas list. We recommend the monkey wrench as the perfect universal gift. If you don't believe us, go ask Grandma.

How to pay your bills

With the economy in the toilet, paying the bills has never been more challenging or alarming.

In our current economy, money "trickles down" to each household, then pours out again in a torrent. Keeping up with the flow can be frustrating, and experts believe the associated hair-tearing is a major cause of baldness in America.

But bill-paying doesn't have to be unpleasant. Take stock of your bill-paying habits and find ways to make writing those checks more palatable.

Here are some tips:

1. Create a pleasant space where you can do household paperwork. Give yourself a wide, flat work surface and a comfy chair. You want a quiet spot, maybe some soft music, a warm drink. Perhaps several drinks, depending upon the state of your bank account.

2. Make sure you have all the supplies you need: A calculator, a calendar, pencils, scratch paper, stamps, envelopes, bourbon, tranquilizers, a sturdy noose.

3. Get organized. Use a filing system to help you keep your bills in order, so you don't overlook any. A filing cabinet or even a simple cardboard box will help you keep all your bills together, and that makes it much easier to throw them out a window when you get fed up.

4. Don't try to pay your bills while watching television. It's too distracting and could lead to mistakes. You might send a check to Oprah, for instance, and she doesn't need the money. Or, you might write out a check for the amount of "31-28, in overtime."

5. Prioritize. Sometimes, it's not possible to pay everyone every month. It's important to set priorities so your electricity stays connected, food's on the table, etc. If you rotate your many debts, you can pay everyone occasionally, so no company's kept waiting so long that they send over a beefy guy named Cheech for a little talk.

There are many ways to set priorities. One is simple gravity -- whichever bill falls off the desk loses out that month. Some people prefer dartboards. I like the "Wheel of Fortune" model: Put all your bills on a Lazy Susan and give it a spin. Whoever hangs on gets paid.

6. Pay bills online. It's no less painful, but it's quicker than writing out checks. If you're the type who prefers to yank a bandage off rather than remove it slowly, then online payments are for you.

7. A positive attitude can help you weather even the worst financial landslide. Don't let that monthly mountain of debt overwhelm you. Chip away at it until you're done. If you keep a smile on your face the whole time, family members will assume you're crazy and keep their distance.

8. When faced with a pile of paperwork, remember: a bonfire can be a welcome source of heat.

9. Regularly balance your checkbook. It takes practice, but as you get better at this, you'll learn to balance the checkbook on your chin, on the tip on your nose, etc.

10. Create a budget and stick to it. Hahahahaha.

One final tip: If you simply can't face the monthly bill-paying chore, then do what I do. Get your spouse to handle it. Then you can live in blissful ignorance of the household financial situation, right up to the moment when the repo men arrive.

Tell Cheech I said hello. And the check's in the mail.

Take a tip from me

I heart New York as much as the next guy, but I've never mastered the whole tipping thing, which is such an important part of everyday life in that city.

(There's a reason they call it the Big Apple; everybody wants a bite.)

Oh, I'm fine in restaurants and bars. The waiter hands me a check, I figure the tip and deliver the correct amount. Better yet, I hand over a credit card and let somebody else do the math. I'm okay in cabs, where I can watch the clicking meter as I near my destination and do my calculations. And I almost always contribute to tip jars.

Where I fail is in the quick handoff -- the tips that reward doormen and bellhops and room-service waiters and shuttle drivers. There's that moment of social awkwardness where I say, "Thank you," then try to pass them a couple of bucks. I never know which hand to use or where to look or whether I'm tipping the right amount.

If I mess up the exchange, I feel like a goober. If it all goes smoothly, I still feel weird, like some gold-chain Vegas high-roller mobster type: "Here's a little something for your trouble, pal …."

I'm uncomfortable with the whole social convention. You help me with something, just doing your job, and I'm supposed to slip you some extra money? We're acting like friends -- "Let me help you with that bag, sir" -- but "thank you" isn't good enough. Suddenly, we're not friends anymore and it's strictly a commercial transaction.

Wouldn't it be more honest if the rate was set out at the beginning? "Let me help you with that bag for two dollars, sir." Ah, that would make it simpler, wouldn't it? "Hold the door open for a buck?" Gotcha. "Deliver your incredibly overpriced pot of room-service coffee to your door for only five dollars." Never mind, I'll stumble to Starbucks.

Even when I'm mentally prepared for the transaction, my money often won't cooperate. I have to unbutton a pocket, dig out my wallet, desperately thumb through it for the correct denomination. Is anything more inelegant than tipping somebody and asking for change? I know Tony Soprano would handle it smoother, peeling bills off a roll, saying just the right thing.

(Of course, Tony Soprano probably hands out twenty-dollar bills. That's typically all I have in my wallet because that's what ATMs dispense -- yuppie food stamps. Anything smaller ends up in the grubby hands of my kids.)

Tip recipients probably don't care how they get our dough, as long as we cough it up, but I can't get over the notion that they're smirking on the inside, watching the big gomer fumble with his money.

Maybe this discomfort stems from the fact that I've never been on the receiving end of tipping. I never worked in food service or at a hotel. I worked in a couple of clothing stores when I was in high school, then went right into the newspaper biz.

Now I work at home, all by myself, and it's not like I've got a reader looking over my shoulder, saying, "Whoa, nice verb! Here's a little something for your trouble."

I suppose I could put a tip jar on my desk in hopes that visitors would drop in the occasional buck. Might make a nice source of side income.

For my kids.

Starving artist

I got my twice-a-year royalty statement this week and -- ahem -- y'all need to go buy some books. Really. I know times are hard, but I've got teen-aged boys to feed and everyone needs to pitch in.

In particular, you ought to check out "Whipsaw" and "Cutthroat." These recent books aren't comic crime novels, like so many of mine, but fast-paced thrillers set in San Francisco. "Whipsaw" centers on a stolen video game program that's ransomed back to the company that developed it. "Cutthroat" is about a corporate troubleshooter who uncovers a bloody plot to overthrow an African nation.

Just the sort of escapist fare that'll take your mind off the stock market. Cover art and further description can be found at http://www.stevebrewerbooks.com/.

Life lessons from poker

Poker has taken the country by storm. Americans of all ages are gathering around kitchen tables to pass cards and money back and forth, just as they see the professionals do on TV.

Whoever thought poker would become a spectator sport? But it's caught on, big-time. TV ratings are so good, a dozen cable channels now feature poker tournaments as regular programming. Most anytime, day or night, you can watch the pros playing in the World Series of Poker or famous idiots playing Celebrity Poker.

I watched for a while, until I realized that the only thing lazier than sitting around and playing cards was sitting around, watching other people play cards. At least, when you're in a game yourself, there's a chance you can get your heart rate up with a winning hand.

I've played poker for years and find that it’s a fine hobby for those of us who work at home. Poker gets us out of house, forces us to interact with others, and gives us a chance to lose our paltry "incomes" in pulse-pounding ways.

I'm at best a mediocre player, so I wouldn't dream of giving advice on how to play winning poker. But I have learned some lessons I'd like to share with you amateurs.

(Even if you don't play poker, you might learn from what follows. Most of these lessons apply to everyday life in the business world.)

--There's no such thing as a "friendly" poker game. Sure, you can play with your friends. You can be friends before the game and friends again after the game. But during the game? Not so much. In fact, your very best friend is the one who'll most enjoy taking your money.

--Avoid drinking alcohol while playing poker. It makes you stupid and reckless. Plus, you'll have a hangover the next morning, so your head will pound while you try to remember where all your money went.

--Any beverage at the poker table is ill-advised. Knock over your drink and get the cards wet and you'll hear about it for weeks to come.

--Beware of players with nicknames. I've played with many Richards over the years, and have lost to all the ones known as "Dick." If you run into a player named Ace or Tiny or Curly, look out. And if you face one named Red, you might as well just give him all your money and go home early.

--No children should be allowed on the premises during a kitchen game. Not only are kids noisy distractions, but they're likely to overhear many "bad words."

--Know when to fold 'em. If you don't have the "lock" hand, the one that's unbeatable given the cards on the table, then you should fold. More than a vowel separates "lock" and "luck."

--Be careful about "tells" that tip your fellow players to whether you're holding good cards or just bluffing. Sweating, twitching, snorting, tapping, smiling, frowning, whooping or bending the cards in the Death Grip of Imminent Defeat all can reveal your intentions. Watch the pros. They show as much emotion as your average lizard.

--Never gamble with more than you can afford to lose. If you find yourself going out to the car to get the title out of the glove compartment, it's time to get behind the wheel and drive home.

--Finally, avoid playing poker in casinos. You're not ready. No, you're not. Go look at the guys who play casino poker. They're a serious bunch of lizards. They're gambling with their Social Security money. They play for keeps.

Better to give all your money to your friends. That way, you at least can go visit it later.

By the numbers

Many of us who work at home feel we must constantly prove our worth, especially to our spouses who have real jobs.

On a rational level, we know our spouses appreciate the work we do around the house and the daily struggle of our home-based careers and the importance of having a parent home with the kids. But there's a deeper emotional need to make them believe we're working really, really hard here at home and not goofing off all day, as some might suspect.

A simple question in the evening -- "How was your day?" -- stirs a regular corporate report from us work-at-home types. We reel off the numbers: clients served, phone calls made, miles driven, hours spent on chores, etc.

Surely, this isn't what the spouse wants to hear, but we feel compelled to recite these dry business statistics, just to prove we didn't spend the day watching reruns of "The Newlywed Game."

Wouldn't it be easier if we had a standard Daily Progress Report? We could fill in a few blanks, then just hand it over when the spouse arrives home. That would get all the numbers out of the way, clearing the evening for in-depth discussions of other matters, such as what to watch on TV.

Here's a sample of such a report. Feel free to make copies for your own use.

DAILY PROGRESS REPORT

It's been yet another productive day here at corporate headquarters. For the benefit of spouses and other shareholders, we've compiled the following executive summary to show where this household's been and where it's going.

Earnings: Actual earnings from the home-based business were ___ today. However, future earnings look good because ___ clients promised "the check is in the mail."

Debts: New debts accrued today were ___. We had a one-time writeoff against income of ___ because of (circle one or more) medical/dental/plumbing/automotive emergencies. Also, we had the regular business expense of ___ for groceries to feed these damn kids.

Productivity/Corporate: In a very busy day, we here at headquarters made ___ important business calls, signed ___ new contracts, spent ___ hours on developing new projects and ___ hours on ongoing projects. On the down side, ___ hours were wasted playing computer games.

Productivity/Household: The following chores were completed: ___ loads of laundry, ___ meals prepared, ___ rooms cleaned, ___ toilets scrubbed, ___ hours of lawn care, and ___ miles driven. More would've been accomplished in this sector, but the children demanded ___ hours of attention.

Performance of future assets: Today, ___ of our children were expelled or suspended from school, ___ misbehaved and ___ refused to help around the house. It may be time for the shareholders to face down this challenge with a united front, before the children launch a hostile takeover bid. On the plus side, ___ children achieved Honor Roll or similar accomplishment. See addendum.

Growth potential: It's difficult to see into the future, but we believe there's room for growth, both on the corporate and household fronts. For the home-based business, there's nowhere to go but up! As for the household balance sheet, please remember: It is only ___ years until the children move away, taking with them a large drain on our resources. By then, we will have ___ years until age 65, so we'll need to save ___ per year to compile enough assets for a retirement that doesn't center on cat food. Which means we'd better see some growth. In a hurry.

Immediate projections: We here at headquarters feel confident that tomorrow will be a better day, with an increase in earnings and an overall rise in productivity.

And we'll have the numbers to prove it.

Scams and frauds and cons, oh my

If you believe the advertising, work-at-home opportunities are everywhere.

E-mail boxes fill up daily with "spam" ads for home-based careers. Classified ads for "business opportunities" often boast that the businesses can be run from home. Nearly every utility pole on every street, it seems, sports an ad: "Earn $100's Every Week, Working at Home!"

Many of these pitches, sad to say, are simply fraud. They prey on working parents who'd like to stay home all day with the kids, but still make something approaching an income. These scams, experts say, often require the victim to lay out hundreds, even thousands, of dollars as an "initial investment" or for "equipment costs," and then provide no way to recover that money.

Take, for example, one of the oldest swindles -- stuffing envelopes. The only way to "Earn $100's Every Week" stuffing envelopes is if you stuff them with heroin.

It's a shame that so many people fall for these con games, though it's hard to see what the victims expect from any industry where the primary form of advertising is flyers pasted on telephone poles.

However, for people who are creative and industrious, there are "legitimate" ways to make money at home. Let's look at some of these careers, and the special skills and talents they require:

--Telemarketing. Sick of sales pitches during the dinner hour? Then you should look into telemarketing. In this field, you can be the one interrupting other people's dinner! Special skill required: Access to a phone.

--E-bay and other online auction houses. You can make money by selling the junk out of your garage! Once you run out of junk, you can start "borrowing" stuff from your neighbors' garages. Removing garage clutter can be considered a public service! Special talent required: Stealth.

--Selling vitamins and other health products. Americans, particularly Baby Boomers, are obsessed with their health, so this is a hot sales arena. Special requirement for this career: A healthy glow. Customers won't trust your claims if you look sickly.

--Selling beauty products. Not for the naturally ugly. See above.

--Retirement consultant. Guide customers through the tricky thickets of the thrill-ride stock market, slumping 401(k)'s and other investments. Win or lose, you get your commission! Special talent required: Boundless optimism.

--Computer consultant. With a computer on every desk in America, this is a field that just keeps growing! Many people still are not comfortable working with computers, and you can use this discomfort by constantly warning them of viruses, worms and other electronic plagues. If that doesn't work, you can always develop a virus that only you can fix. Talk about a captive audience! Some actual computer skills required.

--Market research and political polling. See "Telemarketing" above.

--Phone sex. Fleece the twisted and lonely! Necessary talent: Must be capable of keeping boredom out of your voice as you say, "Ooh, baby, baby," 179 times a day.

--Psychic hotlines. Thousands of people pay good money every day to consult by phone with seers who can describe the future. No skills required, beyond a healthy imagination. Anyone gullible enough to trust in psychics will believe whatever you tell them.

--Writing books and articles. Forget this one. There's no money in it. Special talent required: Masochism.

--Spam-oriented businesses. Someone, somewhere, is making money from all those e-mail ads offering to refinance your mortgage, shrink/enlarge particular portions of your anatomy or show you the "hottest porn on the Internet." Why shouldn't that someone be you? Special skills: Basic computer skills and the surgical removal of your conscience.

--Brokering business opportunities. You can help others "Earn $100's Every Week" from home-based businesses. They do the work, and you make money from their "initial investments!" Special requirement: Must have a flexible schedule that allows for jail time.

Got money?

Many of us who work at home find ourselves separated from the mainstream of the stumbling American economy.

While regular workers spend increasing amounts of time worrying about their money, we freelance types say in resentful, guttural tones: "What is this 'money' and how do we get some?"

But say you have some of this so-called "money." Do you know what to do with it? Are you saving for retirement? College? A rainy day?

Whether you work at home or in the usual slave labor, how you handle your money can determine whether you weather the current tidal wave of economic crises or become more welfare flotsam.

Money management is not for amateurs. Make a mistake, and you can regret it for a lifetime or beyond. Yet studies show that most Americans know more about football than they do about financial planning.

To see whether you're knowledgeable enough to handle your own finances, take the following quiz:

Question: To "invest" means to:

A. Plant your money in a place where it will grow.
B. Hide your money in the pocket of your vest.
C. Buy a new truck.
D. Wave bye-bye to your money.

Q. "Consumer debt" is:

A. Money you owe to MasterCard.
B. The fuel in the engine of the American economy.
C. Something we all have in common.
D. A lifelong pursuit.

Q: A "pension" is a:

A. Retirement fund.
B. Small hotel in France.
C. Pipe dream.
D. CEO's slush fund.

Q. The term "interest" means:

A. To hold one's attention.
B. Your share in a successful enterprise.
C. Money you earn on your savings.
D. Money you pay to a loan shark.

Q. "Mortgage interest" can be deducted from:

A. Your taxes.
B. Your landlord's taxes.
C. Your wallet.
D. The national debt.

Q. A 401(k) is a retirement fund that allows you to invest your pre-tax earnings now and collect the gains when you retire. What does the (k) stand for?

A. Karma.
B. Klutz.
C. Kick yourself.
D. Kill yourself.

Q. An "IRA" is:

A. A tax shelter.
B. A method of earning 2 percent interest on your retirement savings.
C. One of the Gershwin brothers.
D. The Irish Republican Army.

Q. The stock market is a way to:

A. Secure your future.
B. Diversify your portfolio.
C. Lose your assets.
D. Justify suicide.

Q. When considering a particular investment, you should:

A. Research it carefully.
B. Consult a professional.
C. Ask your Uncle Morty for a "hot tip."
D. Flip a coin.

Q. "Mutual fund" means:

A. A collection of investments managed by a professional.
B. A shared risk.
C. Read the fine print.
D. Community property.

Q. "Taxes" are:

A. Every American's responsibility.
B. To be avoided.
C. An albatross around the neck of the working man.
D. The largest state in the contiguous U.S.

Q. If you find ways to reduce your "tax burden," you could end up:

A. With more money to invest.
B. With more money to spend on a new truck.
C. In an IRS auditor's office.
D. In prison.

Q. "Wealth" is:

A. The measure of all your collected assets.
B. Relative.
C. Something your relatives have.
D. A pipe dream.

Q. The safest place to keep your money is in:

A. Mutual funds.
B. An interest-bearing savings account.
C. The stock market.
D. A cookie jar.

Q. To "diversify your portfolio" means:

A. To spread your money around among several different types of investments.
B. To carefully balance risk investments against "sure things."
C. To change the color of your briefcase.
D. To put your money in several different cookie jars.

Q. It's often said that "money can't buy happiness," but it can buy:

A. Financial security.
B. The illusion of happiness.
C. Politicians.
D. A new truck.

Tell all your friends

If you're enjoying these posts, please help us get the word out. Feel free to spam all your friends with the blog address. Talk up the Home Front over the watercooler. Purchase large billboards near major intersections in your city. Whatever you think will help. And it wouldn't hurt you to click on a Google Ad once in a while. I could make pennies a year!

All the above goes for my wife's fun blog -- pinkhollyhock.blogspot.com -- as well. Until the federal government comes through with those agricultural subsidies for our Blog Farm, we need all the help we can get.

Thanks!

Economics for the self-employed

This time of year, with utility bills sky-high and April 15 on the horizon, the small businessperson's thoughts turn to money.

The thoughts go like this: What money? We used to have money. Then those Christmas excesses came to call. Now we have no money. The checks arrive at the usual snail's pace while expenses come faster and faster. Money gets to our house, then rockets out the door, never to be seen again.

The economy's been good to many of us who've gone out our own, establishing businesses or (God forbid) writing careers, working from home through the wonders of telecommunications. Now that's all come to a grinding halt, and it's time to retrench, rethink, have garage sales.

We're all subject to the vagaries of the economy, the ups and downs, the windfalls and the slow bleeds. And the New Internet Economy (now known as the New What-the-Heck-Was-I-Thinking Economy) is more volatile than the Old Economy, which centered on oxen. Now, one guy in Silicon Valley trips over an extension cord and your net worth gets cut in half.

The financial pages have never been more exciting reading. Politicians running around, screaming about tax cuts. Alan Greenspan, wearing a long wizard's cloak and pointy hat, giggling maniacally. A stock market that resolved to diet in the new year.

But unless you're a poor computer geek who's been shown the door.com, the national economic stumble probably concerns you less than the more immediate problem of whether to get a larger mailbox to hold all the bills.

Every household has a little economy of its own. Up cycles (check arrives!) and catastrophic setbacks (new water heater!). Inflation (your natural gas bill) and recessions (hairline, gums). All these factors can result in a Great Depression, the type that makes you hide under the covers and softly weep.

It's hard enough to budget when you get a regular paycheck. Add the fits and starts of a home-based business to the usual financial roller-coaster, and you have a wild ride of confusion and paperwork and dismay. Freelancers can get so desperate for income that they tackle the postman and rifle through his bag in search of checks.

But it doesn't have to be that way. With the right financial planning, it's possible for cottage industries to enjoy the same level of success as large, established companies such as Montgomery Ward.

Here are some Handy Tips for getting your financial house in order before the IRS man shows up with his scythe:

--Get a good accountant
Accountants cost less than you'd expect, and can be godsends when it comes to executing a budget plan. Accountants have an unfair reputation as being dull. They're actually friendly and playful. They don't eat much and can be kept in the garage or a large closet.

--Get bullish with your bills
Pay off credit cards and loans promptly rather than letting interest and late fees nibble away at your money. Find ways to rid yourself of monthly payments and quarterly surprises. Establishing a new identity in another state may be necessary, but you were ready for a change of scenery, right?

--Cut spending
Look for ways to simplify your life and reduce your expenses. "Do it yourself" whenever possible, up to and including orthodontia. Recycle. Tell the kids that Santa already delivered their birthday gifts, back in December.

--Find new sources of income
Lot of loose change under those sofa cushions. And there's always Powerball. Better, though, to find ways to expand your business with minimum risk, while making use of the inevitable downtime. Shoveling sidewalks for pay, for instance. Or, branching out into that ever-profitable stand-by -- macrame. Let your kids set up a sidewalk lemonade stand, then take most of the money for overhead. It'll be a good lesson in capitalism.

--Make a long-term financial plan
College tuition, retirement and a million unforeseen expenses all lie ahead. You must plan for the future. Put something in savings every week. Give yourself a cushion in case you need to jump off a ledge.

Once you've mastered your finances, you'll feel confident that you can ride out the coming economic storms. So take action today. Go feed your accountant.

(Editor's note: This column ran in newspapers in 2001. Amazing how things come full circle, eh?)