Group grope

Greetings, class. Today's lesson is on group dynamics.

No matter what your field, you'll sometimes find yourself in a group of people trying to accomplish something. Even those of us who work alone at home eventually must go reeling into the world to meet with employers or colleagues or creditors.

At those times, you need a working knowledge of group dynamics. Without it, you can make blunders and upset your fellow humans and risk embarrassment, financial ruin or, in extreme cases, a swift and painful death.

Group dynamics arise in all arenas, from the traditional business meeting to charity board proceedings to team sports to five guys leaning on shovels, staring at a pothole.

Group dynamics lie at the core of decision-making. Someone must lead and someone must follow. Agreements must be reached. Ideas must be hashed out, thrown out and resurrected. The wheel must be reinvented.

To understand group dynamics, let's first look at the roots. "Dynamics" comes from the Latin -- dynamo for "power" and ics for "in the hands of idiots." The larger term, group dynamics, was coined by psychobabblists as a way to address the behavior of the human herd.

As with herds in the animal kingdom, human behavior follows a pattern of dominance and submission. Most people, placed in a group, are submissive. They're called "listeners" or "followers" or "sheep." Others are assertive and demand to be heard. Depending upon the setting, these types are known as "leaders" or "alpha males" or "jerks."

No matter where you fall in that spectrum, it's vital that you remember some basic tenets of group dynamics, such as:

Density is Variable
Some people have quick minds. Others must mull and mumble to reach a decision. In dealing with groups, you must allow for variations in brain power and reaction speed and skull thickness. The same goes for driving in traffic.

Feelings, Nothing More than Feelings
Whether we like it or not, humans have emotions. They get their feelings hurt. They're quick to anger or slow to forgive. They let these emotions seep into the decision-making process, resulting in misunderstandings and grudges and wars. Parliamentary procedure was designed to remove emotion from decision-making, and that really steams some people.

Please Do Not Leave Baggage Unattended
Humans are not blank slates when they arrive in a group setting. They bring along their own histories and hang-ups and biases. You must allow for this baggage and work around it, or be prepared to shoot the person hauling it.

Everyone Wants to Sing Before the Fat Lady
It's a democratic ideal that everyone has a voice and everyone should have a say in decisions. Meetings often involve going around the table, giving everyone an opportunity to address each issue. Unfortunately, some people are in love with the sound of their own voices. These divas want to sing an aria when a few notes (or silent assent) would do. A strong leader knows when to cut off debate, even if it requires stuffing a sock in the diva's mouth.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, But Nobody Wants to Die
People in groups tend to address the "big picture." They want to describe a "vision" for the future. But when it comes time to pass out the hands-on labor, they sit quietly, hoping that others will do the dirty work. "Vision" is great, but it won't fill that pothole.

Keep these rules of human interaction in mind the next time you enter a group setting. Allow for the feelings and egos of others. Work toward that common goal.

If all else fails, keep your shovel handy.

Mismanagement the easy way: Act like a parent

Any boss who goes home at the end of a hard workday, muttering about how employees act like children, won't be surprised to learn that parenting skills and management abilities are more or less interchangeable.

That's the point made by former New York Times reporter Ann Crittenden in her book, "If You've Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything," (Gotham Books).

Crittenden interviewed 100 people and found that the best parenting skills -- negotiation, multitasking, mentoring, setting priorities -- translate directly to the workplace. Taking the long view has benefits at both home and the office. Letting children or employees take risks helps them grow. It's important not to play favorites, and to respect each person's individuality.

All very nice. If you're a parent or a manager or both, do yourself a favor and consider Crittenden's thesis. It might make you perform better on all fronts.

However, the advice gathered by the author mostly reflects the lessons learned from good parenting. Bad parenting produces just as many guidelines. Some examples follow.

--Yelling alone will never get peanut butter out of upholstery.

--Conversely, the "silent treatment" rarely works. Kids assume you've dozed off.

--Even a really good juggler occasionally drops a ball. Blaming the bystanders won't keep the rest of the balls in the air.

--The problem with ultimatums such as, "Don't make me stop this car!" is you've got to be willing to actually stop the car.

--Cursing by the parent leads children to believe that tossing around a few cusswords is appropriate. Such locker-room behavior is kind of cute, until the minister stops by to visit.

--You can lead a boy to water, but you can't make him bathe. Not properly, anyway.

--Children will get their revenge, no matter how long it takes. You've got to sleep sometime.

--Want to stifle creativity and playfulness? Say, "Don't be silly."

--Impatience leads to learned helplessness. If you jump in to show your children "the right way" to do a chore, they will forever after do it the wrong way first. They're betting that you'll jump in again, and they won't ever have to do the work.

--Never get drunk in front of your children (or your co-workers). They'll never forget it, and they won't let you forget it, either.

--Gossip will be repeated. A child often will take the gossip directly to the person you were bad-mouthing. So will an employee.

--If you begin a sentence with, "When I was your age . . .", you should expect a certain amount of sighing and eye-rolling.

--If you supply Crayons and blank walls, you've got to expect "artwork."

--Children/employees see through lies, unless the lies are about something they really want to believe in, such as the tooth fairy or cheaper health care coverage. When they inevitably learn the truth, they'll never look at you the same.

--Kids learn by example. If your children see you spending all your time on the sofa, watching TV and drinking beer, they'll end up doing the same, right beside you. And you'll have to buy a bigger sofa.

--Act underappreciated. Tell your children, "You'll miss me when I'm gone." It makes them want you "gone" sooner.

--Spanking hurts your hand a lot more than it hurts the offender's bottom.

--Remember the Soccer Dad Principle: You can be a blustery jerk who demands too much and blames the referee, or you can shout encouragement from the sidelines. Which one gets better results?

Labor pains

Business advice has become a kabillion-dollar industry with everyone, it seems, in search of the magical secret to management.

When I see folks gobbling up this advice on how to be a better manager or a better employee -- how to succeed in the corporate world -- I always think: Don't you people have children at home?

Most everything you need to know about management, you can learn from the parent-child relationship.

This is not to say that an employee who doesn't get his way should throw a tantrum and hold his breath until he turns blue. (I've tried it, and it doesn't work.) I'm also not advocating paternalistic bosses who micromanage everything, including what their employees wear and whether they clean their plates.

But when it comes to basic management relations -- where one person is in charge and the other must obey or face the consequences -- parents and children have much to teach us about how to get along in the world.

Most of us want from our bosses the same things children want from their parents: Appreciate our gifts and forgive us our foibles. Show us that you care.

Most bosses want employees who'll get the job done in a creative, responsible way without being unreasonably annoying in the process.

When a parent is standing over a kid, forcing him to clean his room, the parent experiences the same emotions that managers feel every day: impatience, bewilderment, exasperation and, finally, the overwhelming sensation best-described as "it would be faster if I'd just do it myself."

The child is being a regular employee, full of resentment over the parent's misplaced priorities and rebellion over wasted time that could be spent more productively, in ways such as "playing" and "setting fire to the dog."

Here are some things that managers can learn from parents:

--Nurture is important, but you can't always overcome nature. Some employees are emotionally immature and will "act out" and there's nothing you can do about it, short of putting them up for adoption.

--Many employees flourish in an atmosphere of "benign neglect." Leave them alone and they'll produce. Stand over them and bark demands, and they'll simply wait until your back is turned, then take a nap.

--Lying will come back and bite you in the butt.

--There are no secrets. You might think you can keep things from your employees, but they (like children) know what's really going on.

--Nobody likes to hear, "I told you so."

--Employees, like your kids, will pick up your own bad habits, so be careful what you do.

--People don't clean up after themselves unless threatened.

--No matter how much you give your underlings, it's never enough.

--"Because I said so" almost never ends the argument.

Here's what employees can learn from children:

--Your boss is not as dumb as you think.

--"We'll see" almost always means "no."

--No matter how well you perform, it's never enough.

--You can only push a boss so far. You should learn the body language and facial expressions that indicate your manager is about to "blow her stack." Choose that time to go play quietly in your cubicle.

--Lying will come back and bite you in the butt.

--Don't buy into the corporate mythology. Sometimes, you must face the realities of the situation. You can believe in the tooth fairy all you like, but don't expect her to provide your health insurance.

--You can always quit your job -- the equivalent to "running away from home" -- but make sure you've got a place to run to first. It's a cold, harsh world out there, and it's best to keep a roof over your head.

--Always wait until your manager's back is turned before making faces at him.

--No one ever got ahead by saying, "You can't make me."

So, whether you're a boss or a worker bee, remember, as you go into dicey management interactions, that parents and children survive such situations all the time. If that doesn't help, you can always hold your breath until you turn blue.

Stuck in the middle

I once worked with a guy who always responded the same way whenever "middle management" was mentioned. He'd say: "Tyranny from above, mutiny from below."

That's an apt description of the middle management squeeze, where you're constantly crushed between the demands of your superiors and the recalcitrant foot-dragging of the troops. The boss wants everything done yesterday. The workers want everything put off until tomorrow. In between stands the middle manager, pointing in both directions like the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz."

Work-at-home parents like me are the middle managers of the household. When it comes to mutiny, my two sons make the crew of the H.M.S. Bounty look like wanna-bes. And tyranny? Well, it certainly doesn't come from my wife. Nosiree. (I'd like to sleep in my own bed tonight.) It comes from the daily demands of the home front.

Laundry, for instance, is its own little tyranny of repetition, to be ignored at my peril. It never goes away. As soon as I get it finished, I get to do it all over again. And if I fail, it punishes me by making me wear crunchy socks. How's that for a tyrant?

Most housework is just spinning your wheels. Every time you eat, there are more danged dishes to wash. Vacuum the floors and the dog arrives, carrying a fresh load of dirt and dead grass, and rolls on the carpet. Mow the lawn, and it's knee-deep again before you can run back into the house.

The only way to keep a house clean and tidy is to keep it vacant.

Then there's the daily schedule. That's where I most feel the middle manager squeeze. My desk calendar is covered with items every day. Work that must be accomplished on deadline. Dental appointments. Haircuts. Piano lessons. Social engagements. More work.

The schedule is my boss, the real tyrant around here. And it's the cause of much of the mutiny as well.

When my sons are home, I have company as I frantically run around town, trying to hit all my appointments. Assuming we get out the door at all. I spent much of their childhoods standing in the foyer, yelling about how we're going to be late.

The boys respond just as workers everywhere do to the urgent demands of their middle managers. They act confused by my agitation. They begin to move in slow motion. They can't find their shoes. (OK, maybe that one's not a good analogy to the workplace.) Faced with a deadline, they freeze up. And if anything (and I mean anything) doesn't go their way, they go on strike. Then I'm left explaining to the spouse/dentist/barber/piano teacher why we can't ever keep our appointments. Just like a middle manager.

I've had many projects due recently, and the resulting tight schedule (tyranny) has meant that I've left the boys to their own devices for hours at a time (mutiny). Thumps and shouts from the far reaches of the house call for my attention, but the tyrant wants the work done, and I refuse to rise to the mutiny unless there are actual screams of pain. I'm torn because I'd like to go play with them, but the work must be done. Besides, if I tried to join their reindeer games, they'd suspect that I really wanted them to do something (like housework) and the whole transaction would take on the testiness of a labor negotiation.

Middle managers often feel that way, wanting to be one of the gang, but always set apart by their shaky authority. The workers would rather play. The middle manager must make them do the responsible thing so the tyrant will stop chewing on his neck.

There's one other way work-at-home parents resemble middle managers: We often have to "run it upstairs." The little mutineers make demands for improved living conditions ("Buy me a new computer") and we homebound middle managers do the same as our peers in real jobs. We explain about budget constraints and say we'll check with our superiors to see if such expenditures can be warranted.

Only at home, we say it this way: "Ask your mother."