Browbeating the blabbermouths

In everyday conversation, it's remarkable how many people can't tell the difference between "rapt" and "trapped."

They'll yammer on and on, believing they have our undivided attention, when in fact we are secretly practicing the skill known as "yawning with our mouths closed."

It's not just that these people are boring. They're so self-absorbed that they think they're fascinating, or their topic so enraptures them that they assume it must be equally interesting to the world at large. They feel justified in "sharing" with the rest of us, so we won't be deprived of this information/opinion/enlightenment.

We've all been trapped in such conversations. In the workplace, a co-worker (or, worse, a boss) corners you in a corridor and forces you to listen to gory descriptions of his recent surgery. Or, a client spends an entire business lunch reliving the detailed itinerary of an exotic vacation you yourself could never afford. Or, you're seated at a dinner party next to a blowhard so breathtakingly boring that you want to spit in his plate.

Fortunately, you needn't suffer in silence any longer. You can use special communication techniques to derail runaway yakkers. Try the following:

Direct confrontation. If a co-worker insists on telling you the plot of last night's TV sitcom, say, "I thought only idiots watched that show."

Distraction. Sometimes, all you need is to divert the person's attention. For example, if a colleague won't shut up, try interrupting with, "You've got a smudge on your face." When he wipes his cheek and keeps talking, say, "No, on the other side." When he wipes his hand on that side, say, "Oh, no, you made it worse." Soon, he'll stop chattering and go find a mirror.

Appeal to the senses. You can create a diversion by saying, "Is it cold in here?" Or, "What's that smell?" Or, "Look! A bear!"

Physical cues. Roll your eyes. Clear your throat repeatedly. Look at your wristwatch. If none of those cues work, then get physical with the talker. Give him a little "goose" in the ribs with your finger. Seven or eight times. Or, a friendly slap on the shoulder. Harder each time, until he goes away. Actual strangling is considered bad manners.

Disagree endlessly. When a colleague wants to complain about working conditions, say, "I like it that way." Every time.

Agree endlessly. Some people just love to argue. If you agree with everything they say, you take the legs right out from under them. If your agreement causes problems later, you can always deny it.

Verbal judo. Use the yakker's own momentum to throw them off-balance. Some examples:
If a colleague insists on telling you about last night's dream, pretend to listen, then, no matter how outlandish the description, say, "I had a dream just like that."

If the person keeps talking about illness/poor health/surgery, take it farther by "topping" them. Tell them their malady is "nothing compared to dengue fever." Offer to compare scars. Try, "Want to see my boil?" Soon, even the sickest gabber will find the strength to scurry away.

If a genealogy nut tries to tell you about past generations in her family, pretend to consider the names, then say, "I thought my ancestors killed all your ancestors. Guess we missed some."

If a co-worker complains about his ex-wife, say, "I know just what you mean. She's been the same way, ever since we started dating."

Using these techniques can rescue you from many excruciating conversations, and in most cases can actually lengthen your life.

Remember, though: If you find people using such techniques on you, then it's time to shut up. Before they start goosing you.

In your dreams

Dream interpretation has become a popular and lucrative business, so today The Home Front -- in a blatant attempt to tear off a piece of that action -- features "Ask Dr. Dreamweaver," an informative guide to your dreams, nightmares and other nocturnal admissions.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I often have vivid nightmares in which spooky wraiths appear out of rain clouds and offer me Starbucks coffee. I'm concerned because these dreams keep me awake at night. Signed, Sleepless in Seattle.

Dear Sleepless: Your subconscious is telling you it's time to move to a drier climate. And, you should lay off the caffeine.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I'm a mother of three small children. Recently, I dreamed they all were sitting around the kitchen table, chewing on my purse. Please explain. Signed, Nervous in Nantucket.

Dear Nervous: Your signature is apt because this is what we professionals call an "anxiety dream." You're anxious about how much it costs to raise your children, and that manifests in this dream in which they're gobbling up your purse. These dreams are nothing to worry about, though they do tend to recur. As your children get older, particularly as they approach college age, you may find they're chewing up your 401(k) as well.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I work in a large office. Recently, I've had several dreams where the walls of my cubicle are closing in on me. These dreams are very frightening, and I wake up in a sweat. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Signed, Claustrophobic in Columbus.

Dear Claustrophobic: Dreams often illuminate stresses from our daily lives. Your cubicle dream indicates you feel pressured and alone in your job. The company may be growing, and you fear you'll be squeezed out by new employees who are younger, more ambitious and better-looking than you. Your subconscious is telling you it's time to update your resume.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I recently dreamed I was in a Chinese restaurant, ordering pork dumplings, when I got into an argument with the knife-wielding chef because I insisted on paying him in Oreos. Does this mean I'm crazy? Signed, Alarmed in Albuquerque.

Dear Alarmed: Yes.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I often have wonderful dreams in which I'm no longer a computer nerd. Instead, I'm a rock star, surrounded by beautiful, adoring women. Could this mean I should take up the guitar? Signed, Lonely in Los Angeles.

Dear Lonely: In your dreams.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I often dream that I'm taking the final exam in a college class. Usually, it's a class I've forgotten to attend the entire semester, and I know none of the answers on the quiz. This seems unusual to me, since I never attended college. Signed, Stumped in St. Louis.

Dear Stumped: These dreams are very common, indicating anxiety in your waking life. There's nothing to be done for them. Just be glad that you, unlike so many who have this dream, aren't taking the test in the nude.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I often dream that I'm falling. I know that's not unusual, but in my dreams, I'm naked and plunging toward a large vat of creamed corn. What could this mean? Signed, Plummeting in Poughkeepsie.

Dear Plummeting: Dreams of falling often indicate a life that's unfulfilled or out of control. In your case, these dreams indicate you need to change careers. Look for something in professional wrestling or the adult entertainment industry.

Dear Dr. Dreamweaver: I have a recurring nightmare in which I'm surrounded by snakes. Snakes, snakes, everywhere. In the distance, there's a tall white monolith with a pointed top. What could this mean? Signed, Disturbed in D.C.

Dear Disturbed: A strict Freudian analysis of these dreams would uncover sexual connotations of various stripes, but the explanation is actually quite simple. Dr. Dreamweaver sees from your postmark that you live in Washington, where Congress is back in session. 'Nuff said.