Curve balls in my pajamas

Because my “beat” is life in the home office, I keep my Internet search-crawler thingies set to hunt for news on the-ever-more-popular option of working in one’s pajamas.

This sometimes turns up Web sites that aren’t what I intended, but lingerie is always fascinating, too.

Recently, an item called “Marshall Loeb’s Daily Money Tip” from Marketwatch.com popped up on my computer screen. The article by magazine big-shot Marshall Loeb is headlined: “Stay on Track Working From Home.” It warns that “the ease of working from home can throw a curve ball in the career path,” then gives five tips for succeeding in a home office, all aimed at taking the job more seriously and striking a “healthy balance” between work and home life.

After 11 years toiling in a home office, linked to the world by computer cable, I feel I am eminently qualified to say: Hahaha on that, Mr. Loeb.

First of all, sir, working at home is not a career “curve ball.” It’s a slider. People often make that mistake.

Secondly, people who work in regular offices in our crappy economy can’t seem to strike a “healthy balance” between work and home, either. Why should anyone expect that of us at-home types? Just because we don’t waste time commuting doesn’t mean we manage our time any better than anybody else. I’m still late, everywhere I go, there’s more work to do all the time, and my children think my name is “Gimme Money.” I’m just like you.

Thirdly, you urge at-home workers to take their jobs more seriously, to treat them like regular jobs. You are clearly missing the whole point, sir. Rules and dress codes and pinhead bosses are the reasons we left the regular workplace and went home. We don’t need to inflict those restraints on ourselves.

Still, some might benefit from seeing Mr. Loeb’s ideas for success, so I’ll pass them along. With comment.

“1. Separate your work space from the rest of your home and spend time in it only when you are working.”
This is wonderful advice for those who have spare rooms and padlocks, but I disagree with your next assertion that “kids and spouses do not belong there.” What if spouses share an office? What if children insist on running around the house, making noise and messes? That’s why God invented headphones.

“2. Sit at your desk at the same time every day and keep normal business hours.”
Some of my best ideas come at 3 a.m. I get up and I write them down right away. I can always nap later.

“3. Dress in a way that will help you feel professional.”
Mr. Loeb adds, “it helps to get out of your pj’s and put on a crisp shirt.”

No, it does not. Physical comfort frees the mind. I do all my best work in pajamas. I’m wearing pajamas right now. Mwah-ha-ha-hah.

“4. Disregard house chores until the end of the business day.”
Okey-doke. How about if I disregard them until Saturday?

“5. If your work does not require constant access to e-mail, turn off your e-mail program and check messages only at scheduled times.”
Turn off my e-mail? But I require constant access. I need nonstop incoming stimuli while I sit at the computer all day. Also, jokes from friends.

I need my computer sifting through all the information in the entire world and delivering to me items like “Marshall Loeb’s Daily Money Tip.”

Such informational articles are very helpful. They help me disregard my house chores.

Practicing self-amuse at work

Every job, no matter how challenging, has its ho-hum moments.

One sign of personal growth is successfully finding ways to deal with the everyday ennui, the humdrum, the rut.

Some people focus on life outside the workplace. Others burrow through boredom by remembering the bottom line. But the happiest workers are those who find ways to turn the tables on tedium and amuse themselves on the job.

Some Fun Tips for Beating Boredom at Work

1. Take frequent breaks. Lunch breaks, coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, smoke breaks, they all add up. Play your cards right, and you can spend your whole shift on break.

2. Get some exercise. Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't keep fit. Try taking long walks around your workplace. As long as you look purposeful and carry a clipboard, your boss will think you're busy.

3. Develop a hobby. You've got all those paper clips right there. Why not build something? Doodling can be great fun. You've always wanted to learn to whistle an entire opera.

4. Set records for your personal bests. How many times can you clear your throat before you're threatened by a coworker? How many trips to the water cooler can you squeeze into a single day? Be creative. This is how people make it into the Guinness Book of Records.

5. Yak on the phone. Everyone loves an employee with good phone manners. Practice on your friends and relatives!

6. Staredowns with customers.

7. "Gaslight" your boss -- do things that'll make him think he's losing his mind. Every time he leaves his office, sneak in and rearrange his desktop items. Leave fake phone messages. Repeat everything he says. Ask him frequently if he feels ill.

8. Two words: Elevator races.

9. Trespass into your coworkers' cubicle space. See how far you can encroach before they complain.

10. Make xerographic copies of your body parts. An oldie, but always entertaining, especially if you're the simple-minded sort.

11. Hoard office supplies. Why do you think your desk has drawers?

12. Follow customers or colleagues around, mimicking their every movement. Always a hoot.

13. Chatting with coworkers can be entertaining, especially if you make a practice of interrupting them at every opportunity.

14. Flirting can be fun, right up to the moment you're called in for sexual harassment. But hey, even that's a variation in the routine, right?

15. Liquid lunch. Afternoons breeze by when you're boozy.

16. The Internet contains a million distractions, not all of which have to do with pornography. There's also gambling!

17. Gossip makes a great escape from boredom. You can get colleagues going for each others' throats while you sit back and smirk. It's like creating your own soap opera!

18. Going on job interviews. If you practice the above techniques enough, you'll almost certainly get out of that boring job and into the lines at the unemployment office.

Have fun!

Plan the perfect party

Now that the holiday season is here, perhaps you're considering hosting a party for your friends and co-workers.

Our advice: Sit with your head between your knees and take deep breaths until the urge passes.

If that doesn't work, if you still think a holiday party is a good idea, then you need to get cracking. Ideally, holiday party planning should begin in April. Since you've lollygagged until now, you'll need to rush through the process.

(Good luck trying to find a caterer this late in the game. When you call their number in December, all you get is a prerecorded message: "Ho, ho, ho." Over and over.)

Here are some helpful hints for making the most of your seasonal shindig:

PREPARATION

--A thorough house-cleaning is essential. You don't want the office drunk arising from his traditional prone position on the floor with his reindeer sweater covered in dust bunnies.

--Hide all personal items. Guests will snoop through your medicine cabinets, closets, bedside tables, etc. It can dampen your holiday spirits if that weird guy from the mailroom starts showing around your collection of porn.

--Holiday decorations are a nice touch, but it's easy to overdo it. And be sure they're safe. A big, dry Christmas tree is a hazard in a room full of candles and cigar smokers.

--Speaking of smokers, be sure to designate a smoking area outdoors. If you're planning to serve booze, a yarking area is a good idea, too.

FOOD

--When people recall your holiday party in years to come, what they'll remember is the food. Spare no expense in providing a broad selection of sweets, meats and other eats. Most people will not buy the argument that it's traditional in your family to salute the holidays with Chinese takeout.

--Potluck dinners are a nice way to spread around the trouble and expense, but they take coordination. If every guest brings a dessert, you can laugh about the error and have a memorable night of sugar consumption. However, if every guest brings macaroni salad . . .

--Remember that people will be eating while standing and yakking and drinking. Serve easy-to-handle appetizers. If you must serve something messy, make sure it's the same color as your carpet.

--Fruitcakes make great fireplace fuel.

--Paper plates are tacky, but think twice before breaking out the "good china." It's the first thing to go when the food fight erupts. Which brings us to:

BOOZE

--When people try to recall your holiday party in years to come, what will prevent them from remembering is the booze.

--In the high spirits of the season, it's easy to get carried away. This tendency is exacerbated by booze; as they say, "liquor is quicker." If you have a sudden urge to tell your boss what you really think of him, then you've had too much to drink and you should call a cab immediately. Even if the party is at your house. Just get out of there before it's too late.

--Beware the mistletoe. Booze makes some people inordinately amorous. A drunken holiday revel is no place to start an office romance. Particularly if your spouse is watching.

GIFTS

--If gifts will be exchanged, set guidelines in advance. For example, are gag gifts permissible? If your boss gives you a gold pen-and-pencil set, he won't appreciate a whoopee cushion in return.

Finally, remember to have fun. When you're the host, you can get so busy making everything perfect, you lose sight of the real meaning of the season.

Throw another fruitcake on the fire, hoist the old egg nog and dance the night away. Nothing says "happy holidays" like waking up covered in dust bunnies.

Am I retired yet?

Count on the Baby Boom generation to blur the lines between "work" and "retirement."

Previous generations knew what "retired" meant. You hit 65, and you stopped going to work every day and you stayed home and pruned the roses and drove your spouse crazy. Occasionally, you went on cruises where you overate and got sunburned and drove your spouse crazy.

What you didn't do, as a retiree, was work. It was really the only requirement for membership.

But, no, the Baby Boomers can't have that. Our overworked generation can't just slip the bit and go off to pasture. Surveys find that the majority of Boomers expect to work after they retire.

Sure, that's partly about financial necessity and the fact that many of us invest our retirement savings in undergraduate tuition for ingrates who change their majors four times, but money's only part of the story. Many Boomers say they want to work in retirement, so they can stay "active" and in touch with their community, two things I personally try to avoid.

If you keep working, how can you tell when you retired? Maybe you just changed jobs.

Boomers want to retire from their current hated career, whatever it might be, and take up something altogether different and more wonderful, a vocation that allows flexibility and a home office and plenty of free time to be "active" and stuff. They want to set their own schedules, and not have somebody breathing down their collective necks. It's not the work they want to retire from. It's the boss.

Boomers aren't thinking six-hour stretches on their feet as Wal-Mart greeters, displaying their dentures all day. No, they want a second career that's arty and cool. Something they can do over the Internet, or by turning a beloved hobby into a moneymaker. Maybe something exciting and risky, like online poker or day trading or writing novels.

(Here's what we're all secretly thinking: I'll probably spend my retirement sitting at a computer in my pajamas anyway, playing games and reading blogs, why not find a way to get paid?)

We self-employed types with home offices have pioneered this lifestyle. Sure, we work hard, but only when we must, and the rest of the time we behave like retirees. We take advantage of nice weather and avoid rush hour traffic and futz around the yard. We don't sweat deadlines so much. If we run out of time, we can always work during the hours when any sane person is asleep.

We putter around the house, or go out with friends for long lunches or the flogging of innocent golf balls. We run errands during the workday, when retirees own the roads, and it's a good thing we're in no hurry. Like retirees, we tend to eat at strange hours -- at brunch, for instance, or during the Sunset Special. And, like retirees, we wait anxiously by the mailbox when we're expecting a paycheck.

If you want to know more about starting a "retirement career" in your golden years, just ask us, your experienced home-office professionals. We're here to help.

Group grope

Greetings, class. Today's lesson is on group dynamics.

No matter what your field, you'll sometimes find yourself in a group of people trying to accomplish something. Even those of us who work alone at home eventually must go reeling into the world to meet with employers or colleagues or creditors.

At those times, you need a working knowledge of group dynamics. Without it, you can make blunders and upset your fellow humans and risk embarrassment, financial ruin or, in extreme cases, a swift and painful death.

Group dynamics arise in all arenas, from the traditional business meeting to charity board proceedings to team sports to five guys leaning on shovels, staring at a pothole.

Group dynamics lie at the core of decision-making. Someone must lead and someone must follow. Agreements must be reached. Ideas must be hashed out, thrown out and resurrected. The wheel must be reinvented.

To understand group dynamics, let's first look at the roots. "Dynamics" comes from the Latin -- dynamo for "power" and ics for "in the hands of idiots." The larger term, group dynamics, was coined by psychobabblists as a way to address the behavior of the human herd.

As with herds in the animal kingdom, human behavior follows a pattern of dominance and submission. Most people, placed in a group, are submissive. They're called "listeners" or "followers" or "sheep." Others are assertive and demand to be heard. Depending upon the setting, these types are known as "leaders" or "alpha males" or "jerks."

No matter where you fall in that spectrum, it's vital that you remember some basic tenets of group dynamics, such as:

Density is Variable
Some people have quick minds. Others must mull and mumble to reach a decision. In dealing with groups, you must allow for variations in brain power and reaction speed and skull thickness. The same goes for driving in traffic.

Feelings, Nothing More than Feelings
Whether we like it or not, humans have emotions. They get their feelings hurt. They're quick to anger or slow to forgive. They let these emotions seep into the decision-making process, resulting in misunderstandings and grudges and wars. Parliamentary procedure was designed to remove emotion from decision-making, and that really steams some people.

Please Do Not Leave Baggage Unattended
Humans are not blank slates when they arrive in a group setting. They bring along their own histories and hang-ups and biases. You must allow for this baggage and work around it, or be prepared to shoot the person hauling it.

Everyone Wants to Sing Before the Fat Lady
It's a democratic ideal that everyone has a voice and everyone should have a say in decisions. Meetings often involve going around the table, giving everyone an opportunity to address each issue. Unfortunately, some people are in love with the sound of their own voices. These divas want to sing an aria when a few notes (or silent assent) would do. A strong leader knows when to cut off debate, even if it requires stuffing a sock in the diva's mouth.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, But Nobody Wants to Die
People in groups tend to address the "big picture." They want to describe a "vision" for the future. But when it comes time to pass out the hands-on labor, they sit quietly, hoping that others will do the dirty work. "Vision" is great, but it won't fill that pothole.

Keep these rules of human interaction in mind the next time you enter a group setting. Allow for the feelings and egos of others. Work toward that common goal.

If all else fails, keep your shovel handy.

Your job may make you fat

If you sit at a desk much of the day, then you're more likely to end up obese, according to a study from Australia.

Before you dismiss this as more tripe from overseas, consider this: Australians know something about obesity. During the 1990s, there was a 28 percent increase in the number of overweight people Down Under. Now, 58 percent of Aussie men and 42 percent of women are overweight.

Not surprising, perhaps, in a country where the national dish is "beer." But the researchers found the increase alarming, and sounded the same warning bells we've been hearing here in the United States of Unsightly Bulges: Obesity is a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, cancer and many minor afflictions, such as chafed thighs and Multiple Chin Syndrome.

The study looked at 1,579 working Australians, examining their occupations, physical activity and body mass index, which measures body fat based on height and weight.

Researchers found that the average workers sat for more than three hours per day, with 25 percent of them sitting more than six hours a day.

"Higher total daily sitting time was associated with a 68 percent increase in the odds" of being overweight, the study said.

"Time and productivity lost due to chronic diseases associated with overweight and obesity may make it financially worthwhile for employers to be more proactive in the health of their employees by promoting physical activity at work."

Now that's going too far. It's one thing to warn that sitting at our desks will make us fat, but it's quite another to alert employers to this fact, put a dollars-and-cents value to it, and urge our bosses to make us exercise.

Aren't most jobs hard enough already? Do we really need our workday interrupted by sweaty managers who demand that we lumber to our feet for a session of jumping jacks and jogging in place? Wouldn't this increase the risk of workplace homicides?

Employers "promoting physical activity at work" will need to be sneaky about it. Here are some suggestions:

--Move the snack and coffee machines to the far end of the building, forcing workers to walk more. This may lead to longer coffee breaks and a temporary loss of productivity, but it'll get employees up and moving.

--Ban parking near the workplace for -- wink, wink -- "security reasons."

--Remove the wheels from desk chairs. This will force workers to raise up off their seats whenever they need to move. And the resulting scrawk of scooting chair legs will make them so crazy, they'll want to get up and run away.

--Order regular computer "malfunctions." This will get heart rates up and cause bursts of physical activity such as stomping and hair-pulling.

--Furnish ever narrower chairs so employees will worry they're getting too fat to fit in their seats. This works for the airlines.

--Finally, take a tip from those of us who work at home: Add laundry facilities to the workplace. Every 30 minutes or so, workers must jump up from theirs desks to fold and fluff. Add other household or gardening chores to keep them from spending long periods at their desks.

Sure, people may complain about these measures. They may argue that leaving their desks hampers concentration and lowers productivity.

Managers should simply reply: We're looking out for your health. This is the way things are done now. In Australia.

Browbeating the blabbermouths

In everyday conversation, it's remarkable how many people can't tell the difference between "rapt" and "trapped."

They'll yammer on and on, believing they have our undivided attention, when in fact we are secretly practicing the skill known as "yawning with our mouths closed."

It's not just that these people are boring. They're so self-absorbed that they think they're fascinating, or their topic so enraptures them that they assume it must be equally interesting to the world at large. They feel justified in "sharing" with the rest of us, so we won't be deprived of this information/opinion/enlightenment.

We've all been trapped in such conversations. In the workplace, a co-worker (or, worse, a boss) corners you in a corridor and forces you to listen to gory descriptions of his recent surgery. Or, a client spends an entire business lunch reliving the detailed itinerary of an exotic vacation you yourself could never afford. Or, you're seated at a dinner party next to a blowhard so breathtakingly boring that you want to spit in his plate.

Fortunately, you needn't suffer in silence any longer. You can use special communication techniques to derail runaway yakkers. Try the following:

Direct confrontation. If a co-worker insists on telling you the plot of last night's TV sitcom, say, "I thought only idiots watched that show."

Distraction. Sometimes, all you need is to divert the person's attention. For example, if a colleague won't shut up, try interrupting with, "You've got a smudge on your face." When he wipes his cheek and keeps talking, say, "No, on the other side." When he wipes his hand on that side, say, "Oh, no, you made it worse." Soon, he'll stop chattering and go find a mirror.

Appeal to the senses. You can create a diversion by saying, "Is it cold in here?" Or, "What's that smell?" Or, "Look! A bear!"

Physical cues. Roll your eyes. Clear your throat repeatedly. Look at your wristwatch. If none of those cues work, then get physical with the talker. Give him a little "goose" in the ribs with your finger. Seven or eight times. Or, a friendly slap on the shoulder. Harder each time, until he goes away. Actual strangling is considered bad manners.

Disagree endlessly. When a colleague wants to complain about working conditions, say, "I like it that way." Every time.

Agree endlessly. Some people just love to argue. If you agree with everything they say, you take the legs right out from under them. If your agreement causes problems later, you can always deny it.

Verbal judo. Use the yakker's own momentum to throw them off-balance. Some examples:
If a colleague insists on telling you about last night's dream, pretend to listen, then, no matter how outlandish the description, say, "I had a dream just like that."

If the person keeps talking about illness/poor health/surgery, take it farther by "topping" them. Tell them their malady is "nothing compared to dengue fever." Offer to compare scars. Try, "Want to see my boil?" Soon, even the sickest gabber will find the strength to scurry away.

If a genealogy nut tries to tell you about past generations in her family, pretend to consider the names, then say, "I thought my ancestors killed all your ancestors. Guess we missed some."

If a co-worker complains about his ex-wife, say, "I know just what you mean. She's been the same way, ever since we started dating."

Using these techniques can rescue you from many excruciating conversations, and in most cases can actually lengthen your life.

Remember, though: If you find people using such techniques on you, then it's time to shut up. Before they start goosing you.

Can your inner child come out to play?

Researchers who study children say it's imperative that parents tear their offspring away from the TV and make them go interact with other kids.

Play time, they tell us, is when children learn many of the social skills they'll one day need to become functioning adults.

For instance, kids of my generation learned the rules of social debate from the standard shooting games -- cops-and-robbers or cowboys-and-Indians or (after steady doses of the TV show "Combat!") heroic G.I. vs. evil Nazi. These games went like this:

"Bang, you're dead."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you ARE."

"You missed me."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Liar."

"Cheater."

"I'm telling."

At this point, the offended child would run to a weary Mom to complain. Game over.

Nowadays, of course, kids aren't allowed to shoot toy guns. Even whispering "bang" can get a kid expelled from school for life. Instead, children learn social skills by debating which Pokemon is most powerful, the argument escalating until one child runs to Mom, crying and complaining.

The playground is where kids learn to make friends and gossip about enemies. Where they learn to evade bullies. Where they learn to shrug off slights with dignity.

As we grow older, we forget many of those lessons. Or, we water them down. We want to be taken seriously as adults, so we disdain the social tricks that have proven valuable to generations of kids.

For example, we learn to gloat in smug silence when we outdo our competitors or when that jerk in the next cubicle makes a costly mistake. What we'd like to do, of course, is to call out: "Hahahahaha. I win, I win. Neener, neener, neener." But that's not how serious adults act.

We might be better off if we let that inner child go out to play more often. Maybe we're missing something by keeping those playground taunts and tactics bottled up inside. Some examples:

--Are any two words more chilling than "I'm telling?" Try it the next time you catch co-workers filching office supplies or competitors violating federal regulations. See if they don't shape up immediately.

--Remember picking teams on the playground? Was anything more humiliating than being the uncoordinated geek who was chosen last? You can turn that around in your career life. Pick the geek first. He'll be your salvation when the computers go down.

--When your boss is handing out assignments, be the quickest to say, "Not it."

--Turn aside insults by using those old favorites, "Sticks and stones . . . " or "I'm rubber and you're glue . . . " They might not defuse an angry confrontation, but they're better than gunfire.

--Hum background music as you go through your workday, the way boys provide action soundtracks to their playground heroism. When you finish a task, go for the crescendo: "Da-dum-da-dum-ta-DAAAH!" Your coworkers will love it. Really.

--If an irate colleague tries to corner you, sprint away while yelling over your shoulder, "You ca-a-an't catch me."

--Also effective: "You can't make me." (You should have another job lined up before trying that one on your boss, however.)

Maybe you're saying to yourself about now: "Hey, there's a reason I put aside all this kid stuff. My job is important, and it requires me to act like a grown-up. I want to be taken seriously."

To which I reply: "Haha, you're an adult. You don't get to play. Neener, neener, neener."

Meeting expectations

It's a common notion in the business world that "nothing gets accomplished in meetings," but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Plenty occurs in your typical business meeting. In particular, careers are ruined because participants don't know how to play the game.

No matter what your field, you eventually will be expected to "take a meeting" with your superiors or co-workers or clients. Somewhere, I'm sure, lumberjacks are forced to sit around a long table and analyze performance and profit ratios.

(Even we lowly workers who toil in home offices occasionally are summoned to headquarters or forced to pitch our ideas to customers. We tend to be ineffective in meetings because we're accustomed to working alone, muttering and cursing and wearing coffee-stained sweatpants.)

The key to a successful business meeting is to be prepared. You must know your material and how best to project it. You must know the participants and what they expect. You must make sure you don't have spinach stuck in your front teeth.

All the etiquette lessons your mother tried to teach you apply to business meetings. Since you didn't listen to your mother any more than you currently heed your boss, let's review:

--Mind your manners. Common courtesy is expected at business meetings. Don't talk over other people, no matter how slow and befuddled they seem. Don't shoot rubber bands at co-workers. Don't chew gum while meeting with a client, and never, ever stick the chewed gum to the underside of his desk.

--Know your audience and what connections lie behind the scenes. Do some research, so you know which client is a slack-jawed idiot and which ones simply look like slack-jawed idiots. Dogpile-on-the-boss'-nephew almost never works. And, how many salesmen have been ruined by referring to competitors as "Satan's spawn," only to learn the customer is married to one of those competitors?

--Avoid sweeping generalizations. For instance, don't say "golf is for morons" until you find out your client's handicap.

--Don't hog the conversation. Nobody likes a know-it-all. Give others a chance to dig their own holes of ignominy. (Note: When you witness a colleague sink his career in a meeting, it's considered impolite to snort-laugh.)

--Pay attention. No matter how long-winded your boss or how unproductive a meeting seems, it's always bad form to start leafing through magazines. Just like in school, the teacher always calls on the student who's staring out the window.

--Know the terminology. You won't make a good impression using terms like "gizmo" and "widget" unless you work for Universal Gizmos and Widgets, Inc.

--Dress appropriately. At one time, the traditional business suit was the correct uniform for all meetings. No more. Part of knowing your audience is knowing how they dress. Hollywood types, for instance, tend to dress like carpenters. Computer engineers go for the "surfer/nerd" look. If you wear a business suit to a meeting with software geeks, they will sneer and flick pizza on you.

--Be careful with jokes. "Two drunks walk into a bar…" may not seem funny to a client who's active in Alcoholics Anonymous.

--Make suggestions. If you sit silent as a stump through every meeting, co-workers will start treating you like a stump. Or, worse, the way dogs treat a stump.

--Be prepared to back down. Don't insist that your idea is the only workable one or that the boss is stupid to ignore you. Wait until you're out of the meeting, then say those things in the "safety zone" behind your manager's back.

--Stay awake. No matter what.

If you follow these simple rules, you, too, can be effective in business meetings and go on to have a successful career. Particularly if you're the boss' nephew.

Labor pains

Business advice has become a kabillion-dollar industry with everyone, it seems, in search of the magical secret to management.

When I see folks gobbling up this advice on how to be a better manager or a better employee -- how to succeed in the corporate world -- I always think: Don't you people have children at home?

Most everything you need to know about management, you can learn from the parent-child relationship.

This is not to say that an employee who doesn't get his way should throw a tantrum and hold his breath until he turns blue. (I've tried it, and it doesn't work.) I'm also not advocating paternalistic bosses who micromanage everything, including what their employees wear and whether they clean their plates.

But when it comes to basic management relations -- where one person is in charge and the other must obey or face the consequences -- parents and children have much to teach us about how to get along in the world.

Most of us want from our bosses the same things children want from their parents: Appreciate our gifts and forgive us our foibles. Show us that you care.

Most bosses want employees who'll get the job done in a creative, responsible way without being unreasonably annoying in the process.

When a parent is standing over a kid, forcing him to clean his room, the parent experiences the same emotions that managers feel every day: impatience, bewilderment, exasperation and, finally, the overwhelming sensation best-described as "it would be faster if I'd just do it myself."

The child is being a regular employee, full of resentment over the parent's misplaced priorities and rebellion over wasted time that could be spent more productively, in ways such as "playing" and "setting fire to the dog."

Here are some things that managers can learn from parents:

--Nurture is important, but you can't always overcome nature. Some employees are emotionally immature and will "act out" and there's nothing you can do about it, short of putting them up for adoption.

--Many employees flourish in an atmosphere of "benign neglect." Leave them alone and they'll produce. Stand over them and bark demands, and they'll simply wait until your back is turned, then take a nap.

--Lying will come back and bite you in the butt.

--There are no secrets. You might think you can keep things from your employees, but they (like children) know what's really going on.

--Nobody likes to hear, "I told you so."

--Employees, like your kids, will pick up your own bad habits, so be careful what you do.

--People don't clean up after themselves unless threatened.

--No matter how much you give your underlings, it's never enough.

--"Because I said so" almost never ends the argument.

Here's what employees can learn from children:

--Your boss is not as dumb as you think.

--"We'll see" almost always means "no."

--No matter how well you perform, it's never enough.

--You can only push a boss so far. You should learn the body language and facial expressions that indicate your manager is about to "blow her stack." Choose that time to go play quietly in your cubicle.

--Lying will come back and bite you in the butt.

--Don't buy into the corporate mythology. Sometimes, you must face the realities of the situation. You can believe in the tooth fairy all you like, but don't expect her to provide your health insurance.

--You can always quit your job -- the equivalent to "running away from home" -- but make sure you've got a place to run to first. It's a cold, harsh world out there, and it's best to keep a roof over your head.

--Always wait until your manager's back is turned before making faces at him.

--No one ever got ahead by saying, "You can't make me."

So, whether you're a boss or a worker bee, remember, as you go into dicey management interactions, that parents and children survive such situations all the time. If that doesn't help, you can always hold your breath until you turn blue.

It's the economy that's stupid

Now that the phrase "The New Economy" must always be accompanied by a loud flushing noise, you might be asking yourself: Does it still make sense to work in a home office?

The answer is a resounding "You betcha!"

Sure, the economy's on the skids. Yes, the stock market's bouncing up and down like a beach ball at a Jimmy Buffett concert. And, of course, the current economic crisis makes managers edgy and cold. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't barge into the boss' office and demand to be allowed to work at home.

Your boss no doubt is distracted by the falling stocks ticking inside his head. Your boss is fumbling for the ripcord on his golden parachute. Your boss has big worries, such as whether to buy silence from his accountant before the Feds close in.

Your boss does not have time to deal with puny problems such as whether you, loyal worker, perform your duties from the corner office or from a corner of your den.

(For that matter, you could file your reports from the corner bar, and your harried boss probably wouldn't notice.)

So now, while the Big Guy is preoccupied with big issues such as tax evasion, might be the perfect time to ask: Can I work from home?

In The New Economy (flush!), working at home makes more sense than ever. Communications technology makes it possible to keep in touch all the time, and most high-tech, information-oriented work can be done from a home computer.

The 20 million-plus of us who already work at home know it's cheaper, simpler and more efficient than commuting to a job. Working at home makes for a flexible lifestyle, which is important if you have school-age children who always need to be driven somewhere. Plus, a home office comes with such intangible benefits as being able to eat Twinkies at your desk while working in your underwear.

Despite these benefits, many nervous employers resist the home office trend. They don't trust New Economy (flush!) workers to put in a full 60-hour week unless someone keeps an eye on them. Employers prefer "all hands on deck" so they have a large number of scapegoats to blame when things go terribly wrong.

The trick to persuading bosses to allow you to work at home is to show them that it's to their benefit to not have you underfoot.

Here are some facts to help you make your pitch:

--Studies have shown companies save money when they don't have to provide office space for all their employees, particularly the fat ones.

--Research has found that at-home workers are just as productive as ones kept under surveillance, and they're happier and more likely to stay in a particular job.

--Time currently spent commuting could be used more productively. And you'd conserve fossil fuels, unless you count the Twinkies.

--At-home workers are less likely to testify against their employers.

--Fewer documents to shred.

Working at home does have it hazards, particularly if you have school-age children who always need to be driven somewhere. Some people find they lose their foothold on the Ladder of Success when they work at home in their underwear. You can find yourself "out of the loop," missing important watercooler gossip about who's getting promoted and who's getting fired and who's going to prison.

(On the other hand, you get to be absent when SEC investigators raid the place.)

If working at home sounds right for you, go spring the question on your boss. What have you got to lose? Well, your job, for one thing. Your request might be the straw that breaks the proverbial CEO's back. He might say something like, "You want to stay home all day? Go ahead. You're fired."

But is that any worse than sitting around the office, biting your nails and watching the stock market, anxiously awaiting news that the pension fund's gone or the company's going belly-up or the Big Guy's going to Club Fed?

The New Economy (flush!) is steeped in worry and uncertainty, but you can be worried and uncertain anywhere.

Wouldn't you rather sit it out at home?