Cubicle curs

By now, you've no doubt heard about the expensive new mixed-breed dogs that are taking the world by storm.

People are paying top dollar for the Labradoodle (Labrador/poodle cross), the schnoodle (schnauzer/poodle mix), the dorgi (dachshund/corgi) and the cockapoo (cocker spaniel/poodle).
Buyers are attracted to such mixes because they have the best properties of the original breeds, such as the poodle's allergy-friendly curly fur, and because mixed-breeds tend to be healthier.

I'm a big fan of mutts. Our family dog, Elvis, is a sheepdog/deerhound mix. (What would the clever breeders call that? Sheephound? Sheepdeerdoodle?) He's the best dog ever. Long-legged, smart, shaggy, friendly. Looks kind of like a giant schnoodle.

We got Elvis at an animal shelter, rather than pay a breeder thousands of dollars. Which just raises his worth, in my estimation.

Since I work at home, Elvis is my co-worker. He spends all day sleeping in my home office, staying handy in case of an emergency, such as spilled food. He never disturbs me, never tries to horn in on my successes and will gladly take the blame for my failures, especially if I spill some food while I'm ranting. He's the perfect colleague.

The trend of "hot" mixed-breed dogs got me to thinking: Maybe it would be possible to classify co-workers the same way, focusing on the best or worst of particular types. Here are some possibilities:

--Overdoodles. These are great co-workers because they gladly shoulder the load, producing twice as much as their colleagues. Unfortunately, this breed tends to be short-lived.

--Snickerdoodles. Co-workers with funny laughs. Once they get started, they can't stop. Such laughter is contagious, and can boost morale.

--Hairdoodles. These workers spend most of the day tending their elaborate hairdos, while others do the actual work. Recognizable by their curly fur, and by mirrors placed strategically near their desks. Closely related to two other mixes, Manicurgis and Shampoos.

--Doodledoodles. Workers who pour all their energies into idly drawing in the margins of important reports and business plans.

--Coldbricks. These cross-breeds waste all day complaining that the office thermostat is set wrong. Prone to wearing sweaters.

--Schnoozers. Workers who frequently fall asleep at their desks. Also known as Napoodles.

--Perdiemdoodles. These colleagues are the masters of the expense account. Usually found "out to lunch" or away on pricey business trips to, say, Hawaii.

--Garfieldoodles. Co-workers who decorate their desks with cartoons and other "cute" items. This breed tends to be friendly, if rarely effective.

--Borgis. This long-winded breed puts fellow workers to sleep with epic recountings of summer vacations and after-work shenanigans.

--Canoodles. Office-romance types. Look for them in the supply room where they often, er, breed.

--Dorschtop. Rarely does anything beyond taking up space. They're so inert, you might not even know they're present unless you stub your toe on one.

--Nerdoodles. High-tech types who have trouble relating to other breeds. They're born with pocket protectors, which explains their alternative name, Kangaroodles.

--Schmokers. Hard to find because they're usually outside somewhere, puffing away. Another short-lived breed.

--Boohoodles. Temperamental types, prone to bursting into tears when they don't get their way. Can often be traced by the trail of Kleenex they leave behind.

--Poopoos. A crass, unruly breed that often distracts colleagues with "bathroom humor." To be avoided.

--Snapoos. Ill-tempered breed recognized by incessant barking and occasional backbiting. Quick to rage and difficult to please, Snapoos often are found in management positions.

--Whatchadoodles. An inquisitive breed known to waste the workday asking colleagues what they're up to.

--Noodledoodles. Dreamy types who spend hours "noodling" ideas that never amount to anything. Also known as "columnists."

1 comment:

kerry said...

Does this mean you're making fun of my Jack Shiht???